All Butts Look Alike

The good thing about me getting stuck in an airport is that I can come up with some interesting blog entries. The bad thing - I'm stuck in the airport (in Cincy) and it SUCKS. The good thing - you get to find out what the heck I mean when I say, "All butts look alike". Is that true? I might have to qualify that. Most butts look alike. Most girl butts look like most other girl butts and most boy butts look like most other boy butts (yes, some are hairier than others, and some are flat and some are fat). What I mean is....when a person bends over to pick up her luggage, and her pants are falling down (and I definitely feel like I am an offender of this), her butt crack looks just like mine! Even if she is a BIG girl. So...what I really mean to say is - All Butt CRACKS look alike. Whew - I'm glad we got that straight!!

Anyway, thank GOD Scott is gone!! I feel like I express the feelings of myself, fans, other contestants and GoRam when I say, "Gone at last! Gone at last! Thank God almighty - Scott is gone at last!!" Did I just inappropriately quote MLK JR? I think I also speak for all of the above when I say that this class of HK chefs SUCK. Seriously, all of the women suck - the fact that Milka (it has come to my attention that her name is Nilka but I refuse to call her anything but Milka for the rest of time) is the best "chef" on the women's team is ridiculous. And really?

OH MY GOD I NEED TO INTERRUPT THIS BLOG ENTRY TO ADDRESS THE FACT THAT THERE IS A BLACK MARBLEMOUTH SITTING BESIDE ME. I've been listening to him talk and couldn't figure out why the voice sounded so familiar - and then, I closed my eyes and listened hard (no just kidding, I just focused a little), and I realized that I felt like I was sitting in a booth next to Kay-See. Should I ask him what he has in his mouth? At least in this case, it could be food... He's actually kind of cute - anyway....back to our regularly scheduled blog entry!

Ok - is it possible that Ben could be the best chef in HK? Is it possible that GoRam is going to give his restaurant to a guy who looks like that? A guy who has teeth that look like that? I mean, it was one thing with the guy who won the last season whose teeth were promptly whitened before he could appear on the morning talk shows, but this guy has an overlap situation. And he is a farmer! Am I an anti-farmerite? Am I going to have to root for the blue-haired dude, "Blue-Jay" - (seriously, is that the best you could do for a nickname)? Why do they all suck this year?

Ok - done for now but I still have (another) 2 hours before my damn flight takes off. This BLOWS.

How badly do you have to "go"?

Ok - so...you are in a Starbucks (which means people are drinking coffee, in the AM, which can definitely have laxative-like qualities... You decide you have to go to the bathroom and head over, only to realize there is a line. So you wait....and wait.....and wait. At this point, you are thinking if it's a woman, she could be powdering her nose (what the hell is THAT, by the way). There are so many excuses for a long visit to the bathroom by a woman - period, stain on the shirt, fixing the hair or makeup, popped a button in the boob area (no, that's never happened to me!) - and a few more. But, after a few minutes of waiting, a dude walks out of the bathroom...a BIG dude. And he's wearing a Starbucks apron and he is all tucked in appropriately. First question - do you go to the bathroom afterward or do you decide you can hold it? Second question - do you still drink your coffee? Just wondering...

My next little piece of commentary has to do with my "almost-flight" yesterday. So, I get on the plane - and might I add that I am getting a little pissed off about the lack of clout my "status" on United holds. Yesterday, I didn't have a seat assignment! Are you kidding me? I have STATUS!!! The only reason I haven't completely abandoned United is that they have started the automatic upgrades - seriously...ONLY reason. Anyway, they started boarding and my choices were to A - wait in the 9 hour line to get a seat (which had been assigned but not doled out yet - if me and my status didn't have a seat, can you imagine how many others didn't have one??) or B - board the plane with my "seat holder card" and piss off the boarding lady because she actually had to type before I got on the plane. Guess what I chose - yep! B - I innocently walked up to her, handed her my little NON-boarding pass and said, "I don't have a seat assignment - do I need to go over there?" She gave me a dirty look, said, "You SHOULD go over there" and then promptly processed my non-boarding pass and turned it into a seat assignment. Whew! It's not so much that I minded waiting in line but surely there would have been no overhead space left and I would have been PISSED if I had to check a bag.

Anyway, I got on the plane - it was a huge plane with 3 rows of seats - I was in the middle section, on the aisle, in the first row behind first class (status good for something!) - next to me were a brother sister combo, teenagers, and in the seats to my left were their parents. They seemed nice enough except the brother/sister were fighting about whether or not he should put his backpack up in the overhead. I was ok with this - I got to sit in a good seat next to young, non-smelly, regular-sized kids, right? And that was great until....brother decided to take his shoes off. And he had no socks on! (Is that worse? I think it's worse...) Sister's shoes were off too, but I wasn't as offended as I was by brother - really - his feet did stink. Airplane etiquette!!! Instead of the long, drawn out bs about security measures when you check in online, they should say something like, "Please make sure you shower and wear deoderant before boarding the plane. Please do not bring FISH on board. Even though nobody can hear you fart on a plane, don't do it! The space is enclosed and it is just mean to the people sitting beside you. OH - and if you decide to talk with the person beside you, do something about your breath - they didn't sign up for that just because they had to fly somewhere!!" Oh - I could go on, but that's ok for now, no?

Ok - one last thing...TOP CHEF. I haven't seen Hell's yet this week - but I am SO glad that the Howard Stern lookalike is gone. Seriously? You decided to cook dessert in your first Top Chef challenge, you look DISGUSTING and your teeth are yellow and I can't even discuss that hair, and you BUY puff pastry in the store?? Yep - it's worse than grainy chicken livers - I mean, really, chicken livers are nasty even if they are creamy - are they supposed to be creamy?? YUK. It seems like this season's cast is NOT attractive, in general, no? And why did they have to pick such a fat lesbian? She is both fat AND too fat to be that fat, right? But I'm still rooting for her - what can I say...she's family. I'm not sure if I can root for the flaming Nashville guy but again, family is family.

Hmmmmm

It's good to see that my fans are back - maybe I should stop blogging since I will NEVER top the last entry!!

But alas (is that proper grammar, to use but and alas in the same sentence??) - how can I not blog after yet another riveting episode of The B-ette? I must say...I really gained a lot of respect for Ali....how could anyone possibly keep a straight face when being shown that tattoo? My comment would have been, "OH MY GOD - I CAN'T KEEP YOU AROUND TO FIND OUT WHAT'S IN YOUR MOUTH BECAUSE THE TATTOO IS TOO MUCH!!!" I also love the fact that she virtually admitted that she is "afraid to fall in love (she left out the 'with Roberto' part) because she is afraid he won't love her back. Ok, Ali - Cape Cod is SO boring, but he would love you back. He should really get together with Tenley. Frank will love you back but he is a bit of a psycho with a strange body - he sort of looks "squished". The lawyer will love you back because he is WAY too ugly for you, but I do get why you are keeping him around because he is kind of a funny guy. I appreciate the fake tattoo and he is somewhat humorous, but he is just not in the league of the rest of the guys in terms of looks. And did you see the body when he was in the steamy pool thing? It wasn't BAAAAD, but it certainly wasn't good! That Kirk dude might not love you back but he is red and potentially freckled - are you ok with that? Is his name Kirk? Let's be honest here - and you even said it during the episode - you would NEVER go after Roberto in real life because he is too hot for you! I love that - although, Ali, you did look pretty damn good in your little bikini in Iceland - good work!

Seeing Kay-See show her his tattoo after she said, "All he has to do is be normal (and tell me what the hell is in his mouth)" might have been one of the best moments in B-ette history. I think maybe he couldn't cry because of that suit he was in, and I will also say that I have BEEN in one of those suits in the Ice Hotel in Sweden and it is ridiculous. LOVE it.

SO....Jake and Vienna broke up. Awwwwww. What do you think happened? Which one cheated on the other? Jake is screwed now, because Ali is busy with these other gents - here's my theory...Jake dumped her because he wants another go at the Bachelor. He is done with DWTS and has nothing left to make him famous - so he broke up with her to get another shot. Will they give it to him? NO. Maybe? He was the most controversial Bachelor ever (or something like that) - so maybe. We will see....

One quick note on HK - what is up with Go-Ram bringing his family onto the scene so much this season? Rumor has it that he cheated on his wife (with Tenille), and now is making it up to her by keeping her at his side as much as possible - I mean, really - playing soccer with his family against the chicks? I think they keep Autumn around because she is a Tanji (aka gorgeous black chick) and even though Milka is a better chef, she is hideous! And the old one with the bags under her eyes who burned her hand to a crisp is somewhat pathetic but I think I might be starting to love her a little. She "burned and rallied" - that's a good thing, no? Oh - and just kidding about Tenille.

And what is wrong with the one with the little teeth? I can't remember her name but does she have a hairlip? Something is so OFF in her face - what is up with that? And one more thing - what are the odds on "Big Uns" making a 3rd appearance on HK?

I'm not ready to comment on The REAL L-Word yet but I'm sure it is coming...are the lesbians in LA really that good-looking?

Have I mentioned that I love the B-ette?

WAIT - I forgot to mention Chris N - it appears that Ali finally figured out who he is - and it wasn't pretty! We knew he was ugly and clearly didn't have much personality since he doesn't talk much but seriously? I mean it couldn't have been the editing that made this guy SO DULL. She should have sent him home and kept tattoo around for a little longer, just for entertainment value. OY.

Why Can't The Bacehlorette Be Honest?

Ok - first of all, I have yet to discuss Top Chef Masters... I CANNOT BELIEVE MARCUS SAMUELSSON WON!! He is the worst. And the logic was ridiculous - he cooked African food because he is trying to be "true to his heritage", so even though it was disgusting, we are going to give him the victory? Of course, SUSUR totally fucked it up with that ridiculous tuna SLASH giant egg-looking thing with toothpicks sticking out of it. Were those toothpicks? Were the toothpicks edible? I just think it is bullshit that Marcus squeaked through the entire competition and then won because he made one good thing and one "true to his heritage" (which, by the way, is Swedish and not African) dish and if he were really Swedish, his name would be MAGNUS and he would be a hot blonde and not an ugly little black dude with a bizarre accent, ugly pants and nasty food!!!

Ok - on to the B-ette. That dude Kasey (who totally spells his name wrong, it should be KAY-SEE) is a freak. And why does he sound like he has a thousand marbles in his mouth? Or cotton? What is that affliction, when people talk like they are incapable of opening their mouths? I think it is worse than "constantly open mouth syndrome" (a la Zach from Little People Big world or Ed from the last bachelorette or Mask, from Mask). He is awful and it is ridiclous that Ali can't see that. I was really glad she got rid of Weatherman until I saw the clip of Weatherman pretending to be a wrestler against the Wrestler and I sort of started to love him. But, Weatherman looks like a rat.

If I were Ali, I would have the following rose ceremony: "Thank you all for staying around. I am clearly going to pick Roberto because he is HOT and kind of sweet. The only reason I am keeping anybody else around is because I can't believe a guy this hot could possibly be into me - I need to confirm he is mine so I don't embarass myself on National TV. He isn't even "too hot to be that hot" like Jake...he is just indisputably hot. As for the rest of you - Weatherman, you are going home because you are short and look like a rat. Drew, you are cute and I like the whole family thing and I feel bad about your mother and I am SIKED that you don't pahk the cah even though you live in Cape Cod, but you just say LIKE way too much! And there is something about you that is extraordinarily awkward. Wrestler - I am keeping you around because the producers say you spice up the show but I can't possibly be with a dude who has 'wet' hair all of the time. Frank - you are Reid from last season - boring and kind of cute and bookwormish with the glasses, but in the end, you will be too boring for me (altough I am sort of boring so you might be perfect for me yet). And you just aren't Roberto - the only thing wrong with Roberto is that his name is Roberto and I can live with that. Kay-See - I am only keeping you around to figure out what the hell is in your mouth...PERIOD. I kind of think you might be gay but it doesn't matter because I am SO not into you. The rest of you - you all sort of look alike. OH - and Chris N (I think?) - where the hell did you come from? I have never seen you before in my life! I guess I should keep you around so I can figure out who the hell you are..."

NOW THAT WOULD BE AN AWESOME EPISODE!!!!

Hell is back!!

I have so much to talk about and so little time... First of all, I flew out ot San Francisco today for a damn work thing. I HATE people who assemble for a conference type thing excessively early! The thing starts at 9 - she wants us there at 730 - really? Is that necessary??

So today, I get on the plane and trudge back to my aisle seat (NOT in Economy Plus, which is inappropriate for someone of my "status" but whatever). A lovely young lady sits in the window. As the remainder of the plane fills up, of course I hope that nobody sits in the middle seat, but I know it's pretty unrealistic so I just hope that someone of reasonable size sits there. I wasn't too pleased when a lady with a little boy (a cute one, I might add) of about 3 (too old for "lap seat" but too young to argue about it) pauses outside of my row. I am not judging here, but she also had a "covered head" - sometimes those people smell. Hell - it's my blog, I can be politically incorrect! This might be worse than a fat person! But...it gets worse. She beckons to the middle seat in the row in front of us and explains that she and her little son have been separated and then looks pleadingly at all of us, as if one of us is supposed to squish into a middle seat (especially those of us with "status"), when we are comfortably plopped in our aisle seats. When nobody offers up their seat she says, "It's ok, he can just sit in my lap" and then proceeds to carry him into the middle seat on her lap. There IS something worse than a fat person or a smelly person! It's a person with a 3-year-old in her lap... After a few minutes of this ridiculous seating arrangement (me in aisle, lovely girl in window, middle eastern chick with 3-year-old so son in her lap), which included me pleading with a flight attendant (aka stewardess) that she should find this lady a seat with her son, 3 of us got up and offered to move. Luckily, 2 of the 3 were women and we both felt quite comfortable accepting the generous offer of the guy in front of me to sit beside me - a well-dressed, youngish, handsome man whose shoulder I wouldn't have minded falling asleep on... I did offer to switch halfway with him but let's be real, that wasn't happening!! So yes, it all worked out in the end but seriously, shouldn't the airlines do something about separating a mother from a very young child? Ridiculous...

Speaking of falling asleep on people's shoulders, did anyone see Valentine's Day? It's a ridiculous movie, but we were bored on Memorial Day Weekend, and there were a lot of stars in it, and it seemed brainless. Kutcher sort of reminded me of Jason Bateman in that movie. The guy from 9 by Design also is an UGLY Jason Bateman. Am I spelling Bateman right? You know, the brother of the chick from Family Ties...MALORIEEEEEEE? Anyway, the movie was ridiculous but by far the best part was in the last 2 seconds when it was revealed that Bradley Cooper and Dr. Sloan were a couple. What a couple!! SO....HOT....

I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about HK - the stunt with GoRam and his wife at the beginning was bizarre, I am REALLY sick of Wellington (beef, lamb, whatever - it all looks nasty) and is it me or is the chick who considers herself to be a hot Hell's contestant NOT hot at all??

As far as Top Chef Masters goes - I am pissed that the little lesbian is gone for her coconut jam, and I don't know who to root for - I know I am AGAINST Marcus Samuelsson who, besides not being Swedish, has nasty looking food. And I was kind of into the old dude, Jonathan something-or-other, but he is always at the bottom and the "simple but delicious" food is getting old. I guess I am rooting for the Asian dude whose name I can't remember. Waxman! Why is Waxman hanging on by a thread? I think the Asian dude is going to win, anyway, so why bother having the competition?