Shoddy Blog Maintenance

Ok - so I checked the date of my last post (I actually think I would post more often if I didn't feel pressure to use captial letters and punctuation) - that being said, I have had a relapse of neck pain and it has affected my blogging. HOWEVER, I have been flying quite a bit lately, and I think it is important to share my experiences.

For starters, I went to see a doctor in Cleveland. After getting NO good news, we returned to the airport, ready to fly home, in tears. At first, I was mortified to be openly crying in the airport over lunch but then I realized that the airport can totally be an acceptable place to shed a tear! I looked at J and said, "Don't worry, honey. We can openly cry here - people will just think we flew in for a funeral..."

Ok...I am SO glad Yigit (I refuse to pronounce any other way but Yih-Jit) won Flaming Top Chef. I really didn't care who won but when it became a choice between awful Morgan (who is the gayest dude ever, as evidenced by referring to himself and SETH as the only straight guys in the house) and Danielle, she of the sunken chin - did she have no bottom teeth? Is that why the chin was sunken? How did she get so far after using vegetables for one challenge on Top Chef PASTRY?? And by the other way (not to be confused with "by the by"), I am writing this entry FROM a plane!! How awesome is that? AND...I am listening to Jason Castro on my ipod while I write this entry from plane. LOVE it!! Now that I truly think about it, however, I am also glad that Heather didn't win. Not Heather with the bandaid on her forehead covering up a helluva scar, but Asian, bitter Heather. I wouldn't have minded flaming Zac (Zack?), because the celebration would have been AMAZING, but Iwas not a fan of angry Heather. And I think I also was not a fan of "Team Go Diva" - really??? I mean, it was clever and everything, but it just highlighted the sheer ridiculosity of the show!! I think I was rooting for the baker who, although gay, was unceremoniously excluded from Team Go Diva, which is kind of bullshit, no? I just need to address that Flaming Top Chef is in stiff competition with The Bachelor(ette) for my favorite show (although Dexter really has to be up there since I love rooting for a serial killer!).

At any rate, back to plane travel. SO....we get on the plane in DC earlier this week (I'm not sure this story is going to translate without the expressions but I'll give it a whirl) - I am hoping, as always, that nobody "heavy" is sitting next to me. I was pleased to see a young, relatively good-looking young dude in my row, until I catch a gander of the intense stare he is sending my way. It seemed somewhat analytical, as if he was thinking, "Can I confide in this one? I REALLY need soemone to talk to...." In short, the answer to question number one was YES - I was a worthy listener, and boy did he ever want to talk!! J had bought me a 5-Guys burger for the plane ride, and as I start to unwrap it, Intensity is looking at me like I am unwrapping soon to be wife of Prince William's engagement ring straight off the finger of Princess Di. He says, "Is that a burger??" What could I say but, "Yes - do you want some of it?" What coud he say but, "Are you serious?", as a bit of drool fell from his lips. I said yes and gave him half of the burger which he devoured with a dreamy look on his face. I come to find out (after he rejected the French Fries with the reasoning, "I can't eat potatoes for a while") that he is returning from a 13-month stint in the Congo. That's not the worst of this guy's story - he flew to DC on Ethiopia Air, where apparently, a passenger died on the flight and Intensity was the only "medical personnel" on the plane, being a paramedic. He told us that he couldn't save the guy, that Ethiopia Air is shoddy, that the defibrillator was broken, and that if they had let the plane land in Maine, he might have had a shot to save the life. While he is telling the story, he is systematically pulling out various items that were bestowed on him by Ethiopia Air as thanks for attempting to save one of their passengers. A few blankets and a pillow, for example. He was VERY upset. He then proceeds to show us his passport picture which, apparently, was 45 lbs ago - weight he lost in the Congo. He is returning home and will attend Counseling for 2 months, before deciding whether or not to return to the Congo for another stint. His next question, "Do you have any CHEWING gum?" Yep - I gave him some chewing gum.... He then announced that he had taken a Valium, would be passing out for the remainder of the flight, leaned forward, wrapped in Ethiopia Air blankets, with an arm on my tray table and slept the rest of the way. What a seatmate! I might have to change my view on the heavies...

I'm back and soon, The Bachelor will be too!!!

I Am Such A SAP

First of all, I really want to addresss the fact that DEXTER IS BACK!!! I really love the show! I thought it was especially entertaining that Dexter had to go to a funeral home to arrange for the burial of his beloved wife Rita... Do you think the Dexter execs toyed with the idea of having his brother from Six Feet Under (which I also LOVED) come back as the funeral home dude? That would have been amazing.

If I were an English teacher (or TV Show analyst), I could have a field day with the meaning behind the FEELINGS on this show. Like....I was mad at Dexter for letting Rita die. I wasn't mad at Dexter for being a serial killer or for accidentally killing a non-killer - I wasn't even mad at him for wanting to "study" LITHGOW so he could learn more about how to be a serial killer with a family - I was mad at Dexter for not killing Trinity quickly enough save his wife!! Isn't that a good topic for discussion?

Biggest Loser also started this week. For some reason, I was reluctant to watch it - it took me until Sunday to make the commitment to watch the whole thing. I think the reason I was reluctant is how completely and totally SUCKED IN I get!! It seems that you need to have some sort of major tragedy in your life AND be fat in order to "make" the show now. It has gotten incredibly sad - the one lady whose daughter starved herself and had to be hospitalized because she didn't want to be "fat like mommy"? Or the little boy (slash big, fat 27-year old man) whose mother died last year from obesity and now he says he will NOT lose the battle with this disease! Obesity is crazy...and sad. Getting on BL is like winning the lottery to these people! I actually loved the people who came to the BL rallies just to be inspired to CONTINUE weight-loss they had already started on their own. And not only was it awful that the 3rd person in the little "contest to make the show" got shafted (although I'm sure they will get an opportunity to return), but the 1000 other people in the crowd don't get to be on the show. They need it! They are going to die!!

I can't believe the fat men all voted off the youngest woman instead of the oldest woman. And watching the women "race" to the flag to not be below the yellow line was insane! First of all, they didn't "stagger" the race, and the chicks on the outside were totally at a disadvantage. These people couldn't even run - what they called running was some sort of shoddy version of speed-walking. Of course, it would have made no sense to stagger the start when the "sprint" was about 10 feet long. Couldn't they have sprinted for 50 or 100 yards? Seriously??

On another note, OH MY GOD GLEE. I was looking forward to an appearance by Britney Spears, which I was led to believe was much more significant than a flirt with the Glee Brittany, and Glee proceeded to do everything that could possibly upset me!! First of all, the whole assembly scene with Jacob Ben Israel was quite possibly the most upsetting thing I have ever seen - the only thing that made it somewhat acceptable is that I sat next to a guy who looked EXACTLY like him in synagogue last week. The guy walked up to me (I was by myself in the row) and asked if the seats were available. I said yes (while quietly giggling to myself that this guy looked EXACTLY like someone I couldn't place) and he said, "GREAT! We're new here! I'm Jacob!" (Ok, maybe he wasn't Jacob but it makes the story better). I was speechless and just stared with a dumbfounded look on my face while he paraded his wife (who was WAY too attractive for a dude with that hairdo) and 3 kids into MY row. I didn't speak until the elderly lady sitting in front of me politely asked me to put her cane across the 2 seats beside me to "save" them for her children. SO....yes - I was surrounded in synagogue by Jacob and a cane. And I was sinning in my own head on Yom Kippur, giggling at the expense of another...

But can we address the teeth??? The blue stuff?? Is that real? YUCK!!! 63 cavities in one mouth? GROSS!! I am very upset about it and can't discuss any further.

I love the chubby black kid on DWTS - and The Situation is totally pigeon-toed!! He is the most pigeon-toed person I have seen since Tal Cohen (the Jacob Ben Isreal of Bugbee Elementary). I wonder if he was a total geek when he was a kid? That's all I have to say about THAT.

I love House

That might be a topic every week although, there is always a "love match waiting to happen" on any good show. Kate and Sawyer (although did the blonde chick win us over - obviously not since I can't remember her name and she died), Dr. Carter and Abby, Timberlake and Spears, Vinny and Snooki, George and Meredith Gray? Ok...so I can't think of any right now!! But House and Cutty definitely fit the bill. So I'm nto sure if them getting together is anticlimactic or maybe it's going to ruin the show, but for now, it was quite sweet and made me cry a little. While I thought it was nice when she kissed the big, nasty scar on his leg, I liked it even better that they took a bath together in Old Spice, Listerine and whatever else he had in his bathroom. I just love House!! But I need a new medical mystery next week - the love story will get old.

I DID catch a few performances on DWTS - and I have to say the only reason I was remotely interested was The Situation. Comments....Jennifer Gray never should have had a nose job. But, I kind of liked her. I loved the fat, black kid - why does black dance so much better than white? In keeping with that theme, they should NEVER let another white football player on the show - it is true - WHITE MEN CAN'T DANCE. Well, at least it's true of white football players. Palin was terrible, Cho actually wasn't bad but I have to agree with the judges that she needs to lose the joking. Hasselhoff sucked, Florence Henderson was weird (why do they always have to have a token "Old" on the show?) and Rick Fox is ridiculously tall but perpetuates the theory that black dances way better than white. But, of course, why am I even writing about the show?? THE SITUATION SUCKED!! And what I realized while watching him dance, even more than watching him on MTV, is that he is really fucking ugly. And it's really awkward to see him try to be cool in a Situation other than Jersey Shore (or Miami, for that matter).

I'm not sure if I can keep watching except I sort of love the train wreck of a Situation and I think the fans will vote for him. Will the fans vote for him? Is it time for Dexter yet???

THE SITUATION

Ok - so first of all, I had to train some people on "What is DNA" a few weeks ago - the chick from the "training department" asked me to come up with a game. So I adapted a tic-tac-toe game - we sell 3 different instruments, and I wanted the people to match up the instrument with different sales "situations" - each card had one of the instruments on one side and an X or an O on the other side. Then, I made a slide show with the different "situations" - I displayed the slide and they had to pick the instrument to match the displayed "situation". Needless to say, I, a National Sales Manager (that's right, I'm very important), decided to start off the slide show with a picture of THE "Situation" in a pair of his JAMS-like bathing trunks (I love that I just said bathing trunks), with his shirt off. The Europeans didn't really get it, but half of the Scientific Americans thought it was quite humorous!! I then took everyone out to dinner and proceeded to play a spirited game of "Who Would You Rather" with 2 of my employees and a few other women who are "below" me in the company. It was an OUTSTANDING display of appopriate management behavior, in my opinion. We have a rather large company so "Who Would You Rather" can be quite entertaining...

That being said, in the absence of The Bachelor, Bachelorette and travel, I haven't had much to say lately, but lucky for all of us, I saw a Jersey Shore marathon this weekend. I also just saw Snookie on Ellen - she told Ellen that she is actually very shy and (I quote), "I freakin'(or was it Friggin) like to go the Barnes and Noble and drink a freakin' cup of coffee and read!!!" Super!!

Here is my number one question which aggravated me to the fullest but also intrigued me and made me continue to watch the marathon all day Sunday. DO THEY REALIZE THE SHOW IS GOING TO BE ON TV???? Ronnie - Sammi is going to see you "MASHING" on other girls at the bar!! Sammi - (how the hell do you spell her name) - You should remind Ronnie that you will see whatever he did on TV in a few months!! Angelina - Jose is going to see that you smooshed Vinny after he treated you like his property! And my personal favorite ridiculosity - Snooki, JWOW - SAMMI IS EASILY GOING TO FIGURE OUT WHO WROTE THE NOTE!!! For crying out loud!!

The note, by the way, was absolutely ridiculous, but not as ridiculous as "The Smoosh Room". Or is it "Smush"? Did anyone see the scene when Ronnie woke up in the AM and traipsed around the house in his boxers, holding his hand over his dick to hide his morning hard-on? Yes, I know about such things... Did you also notice that the hard-on was NOT covered up for a brief few moments in the bedroom after he got out of Sammi's bed with a puzzled look on his face? I LOVE that Snooki says that Vinny has a HUGE "THING" - THING??? There are many words for that item - penis, cock, dick, package, schlong - is THING really the best you can do?

Unbelievable...I do love Jersey shore, but I am looking forward to a new season of EVERYTHING. Shana Tovah :)

I just signed into the blog in Spanish

No worries, matie, I will write the entry in English!! We have been to Germany, London and now Marbella, Spain. Yesterday, we went to the ROCK...of Gibraltar), which is, apparently, in Britian. Which means pounds, people saying things like "whilst", "sussed" and "righty-o"....(I haven't actually heard the last one, but I bet I will before our days are over!! The ROCK is HOT. It has been about 95 degrees every day without a cloud in the sky - this weather lasts until roughly 9 PM. Yesterday, we visited the ROCK, where they have monkeys without tails and beautiful views. My proudest moment was my ability to speak Spanish to a Native, who directed us to the parking place at McDonalds. My least proud moment was watching the monkey play with its penis while tourists watched but saw nothing except for a "cute" monkey surrounded by dirty bananas. I refuse to address the bananas.



Last night, we ended up in the hotel restaurant (because really, it is just SO much easier than trying to find a restuarant in these parts) and totally muscled our way in to the Flamenco show. We have eaten at this restaurant roughly 300 times since we have been here and usually just plop down at any old table. In fact, "our" table was reserved (for some reason), so we moved to one of the inner tables, closer to the dance floor. We only briefly considered why the bread and olives were already on the table before sitting our asses down at the table. We were appropriately shocked when the watiress (same one every night, whose name is something like "Dentist") asked us for our name. We offered to move when she told us these tables had been reserved for the Flamenco show and she said, "NONSENSE" (ok, she didn't actually say nonsense, but something like it in broken English) and just pulled up another table for the people who had appropriately reserved a table for the show. We were IN!! My observations - Flamenco dancing is very impressive and quite loud (I'm going to start using "quite" more often since I am part British now - speaking of which, I have been reading books by the pool and I realized yesterday that I have started reading in "British" - ie., I hear the voices of the people in the book in my head with a British accent! Ridiculous!). Anyway, other observations. Spanish men have hot bodies but ugly faces (well, Spanish men Flamenco dancers). The supermarkets in this part of Spain, also known as the Mercadona, REEK. We walked in, all exclaimed at how much it reeked, and then proceeded to buy groceries to EAT while we are here. YUK!!!

The weather here has been EXACTLY the same every day since we arrived 6 days ago - 95 degrees from roughly 9 AM until 9 PM without a cloud in the sky. Except here, they call it 35 degrees. People don't watch TV here - they can't! It's not possible! We have watched some interesting shows, I must admit - "Dine with Me" - where 5 or 6 people all go to each other's houses and eat a meal and then rate each other - I think someone wins money at the end. There is also some bizarre British version of "Double Dare" (remember that show?) without the slime. I got sucked in. My favorite show, so far, is "How the other Half Live" - this was a show about a filthy-rich family helping a filthy-poor family get back on their feet. Needless to say, I was BAWLING.

Tomorrow, we are headed to BarTHelona, where we are thinking about taking a bike tour of the city. I have no idea what to do there but from what I understand, there are lots of pickpockets and everyone LOVES BarTHelona. Spain is beautiful.

OH! The beach at this hotel in Marbella (just outside of MALaga) sucks. You can't swim in the ocean without losing a leg to a boulder. In other words, it's rocky! And the sand is 3000 degrees - so you can't even walk to the ocean, anyway!

Ok - signing off - maybe more info to come.....

Alex has GOT to go

Guess what, everyone!! I'm back in an airport!!! There could be some really good stuff - headed for Dusseldorf today/tomorrow - thre are some serious lookers in this airport and I mean that in the MOST sarcastic way. Of course, I am sitting here in a camouflage Yankee hat, purple sneakers, a hot pink shirt and a baby blue neck pillow wrapped around my neck. I also have a "patch" on my neck that is slightly visible and looks like a maxi-pad to the casual onlooker.

I love seeing the blatant differences between "non-Americans" and Americans in the airport. For example - there is a dude in the waiting area with a beret on. His girlfiend is wearing gray leggings that stop at mid-calf with a dress, a gray, button-down sweater (grandma-sweater) and, here's the kicker....white/silver hightops. Do you think they are American?

We also have discovered that Delta is now operating on "dress-down Friday" - all of the people we have seen today working the terminals (not just the Germans) are wearing jeans and a Delta t-shirt. We love it!! I also find it interesting that Europeans wear a LOT more cologne than we do - it doesn't cover up BO, people!! The bottom line...you can tell where people are from by the shoes and the shoes alone - and I love it!!

Ok - we are boarding and I have to go BUT...Alex has GOT to go - he stole the pea puree and did NOTHING during restaurant wars. I was appalled to see he had a Jewish star on...appalled. In addition, I am THRILLED that Holly won HK - and that kid has got to be the most adorable kid I have ever seen (with the exception of all kids of readers of this blog).

BYE!!!!

She picked Roberto!!!!

I know I have been absent for a while but how could I not write after the finale? How can I not give credit to Ali for agreeing with me? How can I not love the fact that she basically said she knew from the minute he got out of the limo that he was the one? Have I mentioned that Roberto is hot?

I have a couple of comments about "the situation" - no....not him, just the real definition of the situation this time! Jeez.... Anyway....why is Roberto so sweaty? Is it just because of the cameras (I don't think so) or he is just a sweaty guy? Why is Chris so flushed? Why is the rest of Ali's family, with the exception of her mother (and sister, actually) SO unattractive? Is there something wrong with her brother or did he just get the dad's unfortunate genes?

I have to say that I kind of started to like Chris a little bit, in a way. How could you not like Chris? If they make him the next bachelor, I won't be able to watch, I don't think. Actually, that is a big, fat lie - I can't resist any rendition of the Bachelor and will even be watching "Bachelor Pad" which I don't completely get but refuse to miss. Chris is such a nice guy and I appreciate the fact that he knows he signed up for this show and was taking the risk of being dumped and doesn't hate Ali for it. I also cried when the rainbow showed up. Of course, I am a bit of a cry baby but it was a touching moment! Why is Roberto so sweaty?

I can't believe Frank didn't show up to face Ali "after the final rose". I can't believe it's over and I have to wait for a new Bachelor to start. Frank is such a little wus!! I bet he broke up with "Nicole" and didn't want to own up. OR....he knew he was going to lose to Roberto and just didn't want to have his heart broken in the finale. Remember this guy couldn't breathe earlier in the show when he saw Ali with other guys?

Why is Roberto so sweaty?

Otherwise, I think the finale was slightly anti-climatic (climactic?) - but I love that she picked Roberto even though she had America convinced she was going to go with boring but nice Chris. I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also sort of enjoyed "True Beauty" which I mostly watched because Howard Stern's wife was in it (and Nick Lachey's girlfriend - ok, I had no idea who she was). I love that one of the dudes took the hanky and mopped his brow with it when it was meant for the crying chick who didn't get picked to stand up for anyone's wedding. Ok - that sounds confusing but it's a long story... I also love when Nick Lachey's girlfriend walked out to "reveal" that the show was actually "True Beauty" and not "The Face of Las Vegas" and the contestants looked at her like, "Who the hell are you?" She actually thought the act of HER walking into the elimination room was going to be a dead giveaway to the contestants that they were on True Beauty? Just to put my crying at Chris' rainbow in perspective, I think I cried when the dude won this show, too. Cry baby.

I haven't seen HK or Top Chef in a while and I haven't flown in a while but I promise to continue my flying stories - is there a book in there, somewhere? Bananas....unbelievable!!