I just signed into the blog in Spanish

No worries, matie, I will write the entry in English!! We have been to Germany, London and now Marbella, Spain. Yesterday, we went to the ROCK...of Gibraltar), which is, apparently, in Britian. Which means pounds, people saying things like "whilst", "sussed" and "righty-o"....(I haven't actually heard the last one, but I bet I will before our days are over!! The ROCK is HOT. It has been about 95 degrees every day without a cloud in the sky - this weather lasts until roughly 9 PM. Yesterday, we visited the ROCK, where they have monkeys without tails and beautiful views. My proudest moment was my ability to speak Spanish to a Native, who directed us to the parking place at McDonalds. My least proud moment was watching the monkey play with its penis while tourists watched but saw nothing except for a "cute" monkey surrounded by dirty bananas. I refuse to address the bananas.



Last night, we ended up in the hotel restaurant (because really, it is just SO much easier than trying to find a restuarant in these parts) and totally muscled our way in to the Flamenco show. We have eaten at this restaurant roughly 300 times since we have been here and usually just plop down at any old table. In fact, "our" table was reserved (for some reason), so we moved to one of the inner tables, closer to the dance floor. We only briefly considered why the bread and olives were already on the table before sitting our asses down at the table. We were appropriately shocked when the watiress (same one every night, whose name is something like "Dentist") asked us for our name. We offered to move when she told us these tables had been reserved for the Flamenco show and she said, "NONSENSE" (ok, she didn't actually say nonsense, but something like it in broken English) and just pulled up another table for the people who had appropriately reserved a table for the show. We were IN!! My observations - Flamenco dancing is very impressive and quite loud (I'm going to start using "quite" more often since I am part British now - speaking of which, I have been reading books by the pool and I realized yesterday that I have started reading in "British" - ie., I hear the voices of the people in the book in my head with a British accent! Ridiculous!). Anyway, other observations. Spanish men have hot bodies but ugly faces (well, Spanish men Flamenco dancers). The supermarkets in this part of Spain, also known as the Mercadona, REEK. We walked in, all exclaimed at how much it reeked, and then proceeded to buy groceries to EAT while we are here. YUK!!!

The weather here has been EXACTLY the same every day since we arrived 6 days ago - 95 degrees from roughly 9 AM until 9 PM without a cloud in the sky. Except here, they call it 35 degrees. People don't watch TV here - they can't! It's not possible! We have watched some interesting shows, I must admit - "Dine with Me" - where 5 or 6 people all go to each other's houses and eat a meal and then rate each other - I think someone wins money at the end. There is also some bizarre British version of "Double Dare" (remember that show?) without the slime. I got sucked in. My favorite show, so far, is "How the other Half Live" - this was a show about a filthy-rich family helping a filthy-poor family get back on their feet. Needless to say, I was BAWLING.

Tomorrow, we are headed to BarTHelona, where we are thinking about taking a bike tour of the city. I have no idea what to do there but from what I understand, there are lots of pickpockets and everyone LOVES BarTHelona. Spain is beautiful.

OH! The beach at this hotel in Marbella (just outside of MALaga) sucks. You can't swim in the ocean without losing a leg to a boulder. In other words, it's rocky! And the sand is 3000 degrees - so you can't even walk to the ocean, anyway!

Ok - signing off - maybe more info to come.....

Alex has GOT to go

Guess what, everyone!! I'm back in an airport!!! There could be some really good stuff - headed for Dusseldorf today/tomorrow - thre are some serious lookers in this airport and I mean that in the MOST sarcastic way. Of course, I am sitting here in a camouflage Yankee hat, purple sneakers, a hot pink shirt and a baby blue neck pillow wrapped around my neck. I also have a "patch" on my neck that is slightly visible and looks like a maxi-pad to the casual onlooker.

I love seeing the blatant differences between "non-Americans" and Americans in the airport. For example - there is a dude in the waiting area with a beret on. His girlfiend is wearing gray leggings that stop at mid-calf with a dress, a gray, button-down sweater (grandma-sweater) and, here's the kicker....white/silver hightops. Do you think they are American?

We also have discovered that Delta is now operating on "dress-down Friday" - all of the people we have seen today working the terminals (not just the Germans) are wearing jeans and a Delta t-shirt. We love it!! I also find it interesting that Europeans wear a LOT more cologne than we do - it doesn't cover up BO, people!! The bottom line...you can tell where people are from by the shoes and the shoes alone - and I love it!!

Ok - we are boarding and I have to go BUT...Alex has GOT to go - he stole the pea puree and did NOTHING during restaurant wars. I was appalled to see he had a Jewish star on...appalled. In addition, I am THRILLED that Holly won HK - and that kid has got to be the most adorable kid I have ever seen (with the exception of all kids of readers of this blog).

BYE!!!!

She picked Roberto!!!!

I know I have been absent for a while but how could I not write after the finale? How can I not give credit to Ali for agreeing with me? How can I not love the fact that she basically said she knew from the minute he got out of the limo that he was the one? Have I mentioned that Roberto is hot?

I have a couple of comments about "the situation" - no....not him, just the real definition of the situation this time! Jeez.... Anyway....why is Roberto so sweaty? Is it just because of the cameras (I don't think so) or he is just a sweaty guy? Why is Chris so flushed? Why is the rest of Ali's family, with the exception of her mother (and sister, actually) SO unattractive? Is there something wrong with her brother or did he just get the dad's unfortunate genes?

I have to say that I kind of started to like Chris a little bit, in a way. How could you not like Chris? If they make him the next bachelor, I won't be able to watch, I don't think. Actually, that is a big, fat lie - I can't resist any rendition of the Bachelor and will even be watching "Bachelor Pad" which I don't completely get but refuse to miss. Chris is such a nice guy and I appreciate the fact that he knows he signed up for this show and was taking the risk of being dumped and doesn't hate Ali for it. I also cried when the rainbow showed up. Of course, I am a bit of a cry baby but it was a touching moment! Why is Roberto so sweaty?

I can't believe Frank didn't show up to face Ali "after the final rose". I can't believe it's over and I have to wait for a new Bachelor to start. Frank is such a little wus!! I bet he broke up with "Nicole" and didn't want to own up. OR....he knew he was going to lose to Roberto and just didn't want to have his heart broken in the finale. Remember this guy couldn't breathe earlier in the show when he saw Ali with other guys?

Why is Roberto so sweaty?

Otherwise, I think the finale was slightly anti-climatic (climactic?) - but I love that she picked Roberto even though she had America convinced she was going to go with boring but nice Chris. I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also sort of enjoyed "True Beauty" which I mostly watched because Howard Stern's wife was in it (and Nick Lachey's girlfriend - ok, I had no idea who she was). I love that one of the dudes took the hanky and mopped his brow with it when it was meant for the crying chick who didn't get picked to stand up for anyone's wedding. Ok - that sounds confusing but it's a long story... I also love when Nick Lachey's girlfriend walked out to "reveal" that the show was actually "True Beauty" and not "The Face of Las Vegas" and the contestants looked at her like, "Who the hell are you?" She actually thought the act of HER walking into the elimination room was going to be a dead giveaway to the contestants that they were on True Beauty? Just to put my crying at Chris' rainbow in perspective, I think I cried when the dude won this show, too. Cry baby.

I haven't seen HK or Top Chef in a while and I haven't flown in a while but I promise to continue my flying stories - is there a book in there, somewhere? Bananas....unbelievable!!

Firesnatch is GONE

Ok - so I've been a little lax again but of course, I must discuss my favorite show. And I think I have to discuss Mel!! Seriously? Did he say, "I bend over backwards with my balls in a knot"? Does anyone else think he sounds EXACTLY like The Joker (aka Jack Nicholson)? And why is he so out of breath from yelling at his girlfriend? What is wrong with him???? If he ever makes another movie and anybody goes to watch it, I will be shocked and appalled. I may never go to the movies again. I may move out of America. Of course, I said I would stop watching AI if Kris Allen beat Adam Lambert and by the time the next season rolled around, I was on the edge of my seat, voting for Bowersox. Did Mel really say, "You should just smile and blow me"???

On a totally different note, I ran into my middle school English teacher today at a restaurant. This was how the conversation went:

ME: Hi!! (give her a hug while thinking WOW, you got old...)
ET: It's so good to see you! First seat, second row.
ME: You remember where I sat 20 years ago?
ET: Yes. I can't remember anything else, but I remember where all of my students sat.
ME: Wow.
ET: You were such a good writer...and so smart.
ME: Well, I am in the Science field now. But you should read my blog (just kidding)
ET: (face fallen) But....
ME: Don't worry - I am always very insistent that my colleagues send me emails with proper grammar.
ET: GOOD.
AWKWARD SILENCE
ME: Ok - good to see you! Nice bib!!! (Yep, she was wearing a lobster bib).
THE END...

I also need to discuss a plane incident before I forget - happened on my way back from Utah (Mormonville). So...I sit down on the plane next to a young guy and, to my dismay, he has a banana with him. I think banana eating is unacceptable plane etiquette, even for people who like bananas - I happen to be a person who really HATES bananas. I hate the texture, the smell, the sound people make when they chew them and I especially hate the post-banana-eating peel that remains. On a plane, what is a person to do with the banana peel? In this case, he threw it on the floor of the plane, under his seat. I was in shock but I thought maybe I was mistaken. Then, about 20 minutes into the flight (I had actually fallen asleep), he WOKE ME UP so he could go to the bathroom. Seriously, he couldn't make it more than 20 minutes? He got up and I looked down - to my horror, beside my purse (dangerously close to touching it), on the floor under his seat, was his banana peel. I was beside myself. I was going to pick it up but then what?? So the guy comes back from his first trip to the bathroom (yep, there were 2 more), and as he heads back to his seat, he looks down and sees his banana peel. I thought he was going to do something appropriate - WRONG - he leaned down, picked it up, and proceeded to throw it further under his seat. At least it was away from my purse. Are you kidding me???

We landed in Atlanta (from Salt Lake City) and I raced to get on my next plane. I head to my middle seat toward the back of the plane (no status on Delta), and I plop myself down next to a guy in a Hawaiin type shirt with a passport around his neck. It was HOT on the plane and we are being urged to board quickly so we can get the hell out of Atlanta and back to DC. So, I board quickly and find my seat, only to hear the announcement that they need to change a tire on the plane and we will be delayed for a bit. Really??? Change a tire? I'm sorry - don't planes operate with wings??? Yes, I know we need to roll to a takeoff and landing but really? So, we have to sit on the plane while they change the tire. It is at this point that I discover the man beside me absolutely REEKS. Like, enough that I spent the entire flight resting my head on the shoulder of the guy on the other side of me (who didn't reek). Of course, I peek at the dude's passport around his neck because no American is wearing a passport around his neck in Atlanta and I see the guy is from El Salvador. I know nothing about El Salvador - I don't even really know where it is (Central America?) - but I now hate all people from El Salvador and I think they all reek. Seriously - this was bullshit. I made it home...

Back to Ali - I stand by my assertion that she is not going to end up with any of these guys - I knew Firesnatch was gone but seriously - he brought her to the house with the dead animals hanging everywhere? Yeah - THAT was going to go over well. Of course Ty went home - there was no way in hell Ali was going to go meet the parents who were living in the 20s with the stay-at-home mom who cooks, cleans, irons, etc. for the dad. That is SO not Ali who (lucky for her) left Jake in order to go back to her cushy job at Facebook. But that's another thought for another day. Firesnatch was SO out.

Cape Cawd has got to be the most boring tv "star" EVER. He is the reason they let people like marblemouth and the Canadian cheater-dude on the show. He seems like a very nice guy but is it possible for him to be ANY more boring? She is SO not going with him - I can't understand why she is keeping him around - maybe they are supposed to keep one bore to make it interesting, like Jake with Tenley. And speaking of which (don't worry, I WILL address the Jake/Vienna interview), why do they keep giving away that Frank is going to break it to Ali that he has a girlfriend or something?? I really don't think he actually HAS a girlfriend, but who is the chick they showed ONCE and never again and what is the big "Ali, we have to talk in Tahiti" scene? Here's my guess - he was engaged, things "went bad", and that's why he moved home with mom and dad. And why the hell was Frank wearing a girly wifebeater under a hideous brown sweater-set on his hometown date? That was BIZARRE.

Roberto is still HOT and he was even HOTTER in his baseball uniform and Ali SHOULD pick him but they never pick the HOT one over the controversial one. I am thinking she is going to go with Frank and get screwed but ugh - Frank is so nasty - and Roberto is SO HOT.

Ok - what the hell is wrong with Jake??? And how come nobody noticed it until he was a total asshole to Vienna on that bizarre interview with Chris Harrison? I'm not a Vienna fan and I'm still not a Vienna fan and I was never a Jake fan but woah!!! I wonder what would have happened if he had picked Tenley!! I apparently was SO WRONG about Jake picking Vienna with his dick because apparently, he refused to kiss her or have sex with her after the first 2 weeks of their relationship. And he didn't dispute that fact!! Jake is SO gay, I was SO right about it and he has anger issues. Perhaps he should get together with Mel Gibson? Or maybe Ed, not that he is also free to follow his gay-ness? How amazing would it have been if Jake had said, "Vienna - your job was to just SHUT UP AND BLOW ME!!!!" And did anyone catch the little tidbit about the dog not being "potty-trained"? Jake - it's called house-broken. And yes, we DO want to hear about the dog pooping all over the LA apartment.

Jake is the worst. Vienna is the worst. Chris is a bore. Frank is trying WAY too hard and might also be gay. Roberto is HOT. And Firesnatch is gone...

All Butts Look Alike

The good thing about me getting stuck in an airport is that I can come up with some interesting blog entries. The bad thing - I'm stuck in the airport (in Cincy) and it SUCKS. The good thing - you get to find out what the heck I mean when I say, "All butts look alike". Is that true? I might have to qualify that. Most butts look alike. Most girl butts look like most other girl butts and most boy butts look like most other boy butts (yes, some are hairier than others, and some are flat and some are fat). What I mean is....when a person bends over to pick up her luggage, and her pants are falling down (and I definitely feel like I am an offender of this), her butt crack looks just like mine! Even if she is a BIG girl. So...what I really mean to say is - All Butt CRACKS look alike. Whew - I'm glad we got that straight!!

Anyway, thank GOD Scott is gone!! I feel like I express the feelings of myself, fans, other contestants and GoRam when I say, "Gone at last! Gone at last! Thank God almighty - Scott is gone at last!!" Did I just inappropriately quote MLK JR? I think I also speak for all of the above when I say that this class of HK chefs SUCK. Seriously, all of the women suck - the fact that Milka (it has come to my attention that her name is Nilka but I refuse to call her anything but Milka for the rest of time) is the best "chef" on the women's team is ridiculous. And really?

OH MY GOD I NEED TO INTERRUPT THIS BLOG ENTRY TO ADDRESS THE FACT THAT THERE IS A BLACK MARBLEMOUTH SITTING BESIDE ME. I've been listening to him talk and couldn't figure out why the voice sounded so familiar - and then, I closed my eyes and listened hard (no just kidding, I just focused a little), and I realized that I felt like I was sitting in a booth next to Kay-See. Should I ask him what he has in his mouth? At least in this case, it could be food... He's actually kind of cute - anyway....back to our regularly scheduled blog entry!

Ok - is it possible that Ben could be the best chef in HK? Is it possible that GoRam is going to give his restaurant to a guy who looks like that? A guy who has teeth that look like that? I mean, it was one thing with the guy who won the last season whose teeth were promptly whitened before he could appear on the morning talk shows, but this guy has an overlap situation. And he is a farmer! Am I an anti-farmerite? Am I going to have to root for the blue-haired dude, "Blue-Jay" - (seriously, is that the best you could do for a nickname)? Why do they all suck this year?

Ok - done for now but I still have (another) 2 hours before my damn flight takes off. This BLOWS.

How badly do you have to "go"?

Ok - so...you are in a Starbucks (which means people are drinking coffee, in the AM, which can definitely have laxative-like qualities... You decide you have to go to the bathroom and head over, only to realize there is a line. So you wait....and wait.....and wait. At this point, you are thinking if it's a woman, she could be powdering her nose (what the hell is THAT, by the way). There are so many excuses for a long visit to the bathroom by a woman - period, stain on the shirt, fixing the hair or makeup, popped a button in the boob area (no, that's never happened to me!) - and a few more. But, after a few minutes of waiting, a dude walks out of the bathroom...a BIG dude. And he's wearing a Starbucks apron and he is all tucked in appropriately. First question - do you go to the bathroom afterward or do you decide you can hold it? Second question - do you still drink your coffee? Just wondering...

My next little piece of commentary has to do with my "almost-flight" yesterday. So, I get on the plane - and might I add that I am getting a little pissed off about the lack of clout my "status" on United holds. Yesterday, I didn't have a seat assignment! Are you kidding me? I have STATUS!!! The only reason I haven't completely abandoned United is that they have started the automatic upgrades - seriously...ONLY reason. Anyway, they started boarding and my choices were to A - wait in the 9 hour line to get a seat (which had been assigned but not doled out yet - if me and my status didn't have a seat, can you imagine how many others didn't have one??) or B - board the plane with my "seat holder card" and piss off the boarding lady because she actually had to type before I got on the plane. Guess what I chose - yep! B - I innocently walked up to her, handed her my little NON-boarding pass and said, "I don't have a seat assignment - do I need to go over there?" She gave me a dirty look, said, "You SHOULD go over there" and then promptly processed my non-boarding pass and turned it into a seat assignment. Whew! It's not so much that I minded waiting in line but surely there would have been no overhead space left and I would have been PISSED if I had to check a bag.

Anyway, I got on the plane - it was a huge plane with 3 rows of seats - I was in the middle section, on the aisle, in the first row behind first class (status good for something!) - next to me were a brother sister combo, teenagers, and in the seats to my left were their parents. They seemed nice enough except the brother/sister were fighting about whether or not he should put his backpack up in the overhead. I was ok with this - I got to sit in a good seat next to young, non-smelly, regular-sized kids, right? And that was great until....brother decided to take his shoes off. And he had no socks on! (Is that worse? I think it's worse...) Sister's shoes were off too, but I wasn't as offended as I was by brother - really - his feet did stink. Airplane etiquette!!! Instead of the long, drawn out bs about security measures when you check in online, they should say something like, "Please make sure you shower and wear deoderant before boarding the plane. Please do not bring FISH on board. Even though nobody can hear you fart on a plane, don't do it! The space is enclosed and it is just mean to the people sitting beside you. OH - and if you decide to talk with the person beside you, do something about your breath - they didn't sign up for that just because they had to fly somewhere!!" Oh - I could go on, but that's ok for now, no?

Ok - one last thing...TOP CHEF. I haven't seen Hell's yet this week - but I am SO glad that the Howard Stern lookalike is gone. Seriously? You decided to cook dessert in your first Top Chef challenge, you look DISGUSTING and your teeth are yellow and I can't even discuss that hair, and you BUY puff pastry in the store?? Yep - it's worse than grainy chicken livers - I mean, really, chicken livers are nasty even if they are creamy - are they supposed to be creamy?? YUK. It seems like this season's cast is NOT attractive, in general, no? And why did they have to pick such a fat lesbian? She is both fat AND too fat to be that fat, right? But I'm still rooting for her - what can I say...she's family. I'm not sure if I can root for the flaming Nashville guy but again, family is family.

Hmmmmm

It's good to see that my fans are back - maybe I should stop blogging since I will NEVER top the last entry!!

But alas (is that proper grammar, to use but and alas in the same sentence??) - how can I not blog after yet another riveting episode of The B-ette? I must say...I really gained a lot of respect for Ali....how could anyone possibly keep a straight face when being shown that tattoo? My comment would have been, "OH MY GOD - I CAN'T KEEP YOU AROUND TO FIND OUT WHAT'S IN YOUR MOUTH BECAUSE THE TATTOO IS TOO MUCH!!!" I also love the fact that she virtually admitted that she is "afraid to fall in love (she left out the 'with Roberto' part) because she is afraid he won't love her back. Ok, Ali - Cape Cod is SO boring, but he would love you back. He should really get together with Tenley. Frank will love you back but he is a bit of a psycho with a strange body - he sort of looks "squished". The lawyer will love you back because he is WAY too ugly for you, but I do get why you are keeping him around because he is kind of a funny guy. I appreciate the fake tattoo and he is somewhat humorous, but he is just not in the league of the rest of the guys in terms of looks. And did you see the body when he was in the steamy pool thing? It wasn't BAAAAD, but it certainly wasn't good! That Kirk dude might not love you back but he is red and potentially freckled - are you ok with that? Is his name Kirk? Let's be honest here - and you even said it during the episode - you would NEVER go after Roberto in real life because he is too hot for you! I love that - although, Ali, you did look pretty damn good in your little bikini in Iceland - good work!

Seeing Kay-See show her his tattoo after she said, "All he has to do is be normal (and tell me what the hell is in his mouth)" might have been one of the best moments in B-ette history. I think maybe he couldn't cry because of that suit he was in, and I will also say that I have BEEN in one of those suits in the Ice Hotel in Sweden and it is ridiculous. LOVE it.

SO....Jake and Vienna broke up. Awwwwww. What do you think happened? Which one cheated on the other? Jake is screwed now, because Ali is busy with these other gents - here's my theory...Jake dumped her because he wants another go at the Bachelor. He is done with DWTS and has nothing left to make him famous - so he broke up with her to get another shot. Will they give it to him? NO. Maybe? He was the most controversial Bachelor ever (or something like that) - so maybe. We will see....

One quick note on HK - what is up with Go-Ram bringing his family onto the scene so much this season? Rumor has it that he cheated on his wife (with Tenille), and now is making it up to her by keeping her at his side as much as possible - I mean, really - playing soccer with his family against the chicks? I think they keep Autumn around because she is a Tanji (aka gorgeous black chick) and even though Milka is a better chef, she is hideous! And the old one with the bags under her eyes who burned her hand to a crisp is somewhat pathetic but I think I might be starting to love her a little. She "burned and rallied" - that's a good thing, no? Oh - and just kidding about Tenille.

And what is wrong with the one with the little teeth? I can't remember her name but does she have a hairlip? Something is so OFF in her face - what is up with that? And one more thing - what are the odds on "Big Uns" making a 3rd appearance on HK?

I'm not ready to comment on The REAL L-Word yet but I'm sure it is coming...are the lesbians in LA really that good-looking?

Have I mentioned that I love the B-ette?

WAIT - I forgot to mention Chris N - it appears that Ali finally figured out who he is - and it wasn't pretty! We knew he was ugly and clearly didn't have much personality since he doesn't talk much but seriously? I mean it couldn't have been the editing that made this guy SO DULL. She should have sent him home and kept tattoo around for a little longer, just for entertainment value. OY.