I HATE BL and Brad and Emily are going DOWN

And if Mike Isabella wins Top Chef, I might throw up. I absolutely hate BL this season - maybe it's too many damn parent/child pairs. These parents are the assholes that let their kids get this fat. And now they are just so ready to "fall on the sword" for their kids. They are so full of shit!! The only weigh-in black lost was the one they threw, for their kids. Their kids need to lose the damn weight!! And most of all, I HATE Dairy Queen's mother. She is the "house mother" and everybody just loves her. She is a selfish bitch who owns a gym and let her daughter get over 400 pounds - are you kidding me?? And now she is a hero? And if she wanted Arthur to stay, she could have picked herself for the red team, where she would have been voted off, and Arthur could have stayed on black and stayed. I hate it! It pisses me off!! They shouldn't let parents on anymore if this is how it's going to be. I hate those damn brothers who gained a thousand pounds so they could go home when a million fatties are home wishing they were taking a "journey" on the ranch. I also hate this part of the show bcause they are getting closer and closer to my weight and I can't justify sitting in front of the show eating up a storm.

And one more thing - I love the fact that Bob and Jillian are kicking Unknown Ass. They have all the "skinny" girls against the huge dudes and they are crushing them at weigh-ins (unless the ashole parents are throwing the weigh-in). I love that when people switch to B&J, they start losing more weight. The boxing just isn't cutting it, UNKNOWNS!! And have you noticed that they are never in the commercials? It's always Bob, Jillian and Sammi - love it!!

Brad and Emily are SOOOO boring but it was blatnatly obvious that he was going to pick her from pretty early on- I was hoping for Chantal but it just wasn't happening. I love that Emily has turned out to be a bitch "after the final rose". I love that she nixed the "reunion show wedding" and that she can't handle watching Brad make out with the other chicks. She is NOT the sweetie they made her out to be!! And what kind of a person leaves her little fatherless kid to go on the Bachelor? How does Brad not see that?? And, oh by the way, why couldn't Neil Lane appropriately size the ring???

Did anyone else notice that Brad's twin brother is way hotter than Brad?? I kind of love that.

I'm pissed that Carla went home - but at least she didn't do it for somebody else's shoddy cooking techniques. I really think Tiffany has GOT to go - I like her, but she sucks. She has no chance to win, so let's get down to Richard and Antonia and get it on!!

I'm sorry I haven't been traveling much lately - I don't have any good stories!! Don't worry....they will be back.

Did anybody see "Heavy" with the midget?? AWKWARD!! WINNING!!!

I'm slightly devastated that the Bachelor is over and I'm slightly devastated that Chantal has a boyfriend and we won't get to see her as the B-ette. Could it be Michelle? Another terrible mother? If Giant Forehead gets the call, I might not be able to watch it. Of course, I said that about Ali, and about Jake. Maybe they will bring Vienna back!

I promise to watch Bachelor Pad this time around - I hear it is QUITE the show...

Headaches suck, by the way.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Ok - I am VERY upset that Robbie (Robby?) Rosen was sent packing. I had no idea they were sending everybody home on day 1!! My disappointment is ALMOST allayed by the fact that the flaming tomato and CLINT are gone - I'm so glad Clint is gone!! Those GLASSES!! But I really think Robbie should have made the cut. Is it me, or is there some kind of Latin/Gospel flair to this season's top 13? Is that the J-LO contribution?

I HATE Steven Tyler as a judge. First of all, and I know this is a serious stretch, but he reminds me of Dr. Sloan - does anybody see that? He has that casual, slow voice thing going on. He makes NO sense and he is WAY too nice as a judge. I didn't think it would matter all that much, but I seriously miss Simon. And I am happy that the cleaning lady made it through, but not at the expense of Robbie!!

I guess I am firmly in the corner of Casey and Tourets with room for big-assed Lauren. I think she actually might win but if she goes down the country road, I am NOT going to be a fan. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE the deep voiced dude, probably because I HATE HATE HATE country music. It's AWFUL! I love that they compared Lauren to Pickler and she had the grace not to be appalled publicly - good move, kid!! I sort of love Stefano also, and not because he is the namesake of Days of Our Lives greatest villain, but because he is adorable and has a good voice. But he took Robbie's spot!! Oy.

Anyway - TOP CHEF!! I love it! Can Antonia pull it off? Can Carla pull it off? Can somebody please send Mike home? He just strikes me as dirty (kind of like Alex on Grey's). There has been a lot of attention spent on his burping and farting and spitting - yuck!! I don't think Tiffany has a snowball's chance in hell of winning but I still like her - I just want a woman to win!! I think Antonia has the best shot -she has been kicking ass lately. And why didn't they bring her daughter to the Ellis Island reunion? And the Bahamas? Really? Is that the best they could do? What is "Bahamian cuisine" - CONCH? (AKA CONK)?

I haven't watched any more Survivor yet, and I am behind on this week's BL episode and this is the week I HATE when it comes to the Bachelor. Screw the "women tell all" - tell me who he picked!!!

OOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKK - it's nice to have my shows back...where are the fans??

Of course!!

I am watching American Idol - you know I am a sucker for that show. I don't really care that Simon isn't a judge - I was APPALLED by J-Lo's crying fit when she had to send home "I'm staying with my brain-damaged fiance because I'm a good guy." Ok - I get that it was sad and depressing and you had to do the right thing for the show, but CALM DOWN, J-LO!! This isn't about you!!!

My early favorites and people I love to hate - I hate the little Asian guy who kicked the fat kid out of his group and wears GIANT glasses that make him look challenged. I HATE the deep voiced country singer - I hate all country singers. I'm totally torn about the guy with Touret's syndrome - he clearly has a great voice but he's slightly creepy, no? I hate the pale girl who didn't make it a couple of times and has now finally made it on the 3rd try. I totally hate the tall black guy and I HATE the flaming carrot-top lookalike. DRAMA QUEEN!!!! And why did they keep the poor little fat kid so long? He would have been EATEN ALIVE, but I was kind of into the kid with the "flip" and the acid-washed black jeans (or were they jeggings) who was beat out by carrot top. I like the blonde chick, Lauren, maybe? I like Julie Z, mostly because her name is Julie and I LOVE the base-playing dude. And finally, I HATE that big black dude who burst into tears after his rendition of whatever gospel song it was. I thought I liked gospel singers until I met him (Jacob, is it?) Ugh - I can't bear the thought of watching his giant, wet mouth screeching all season. AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Robbie Rosen. Is that his name? I love him - he has a giant mouth and a giant nose but he has a fabulous voice. Carrot-Top is also a Jew - why so many Jews on Idol this season?? OH - and I LOVE beer. Just because - I thought I'd throw that in there...

It is Bachelor night!! God I LOVE that show. Terrible, you should be happy that Shawntel (but not Chantal) has been eliminated. Of COURSE he couldn't deal with the funeral home - ridiculous!! I can't believe Ashley with the GIANT forehead is still hanging on - and I think they are all playing for 2nd place - he is SO going for Emily. But what was the weirdness with him not kissing her with the daughter upstairs - seriously?? That was such a "therapy-Brad" thing to do, wasn't it?

I hate the Unknowns - and the Unknowns SUCK. The only weigh-in they have won is when the "parents" threw the weigh-in so Arthur wouldn't have to go home and he ended up "pulling" a big number, anyway. I HATE martyr parents. Especially since they let their kids get to be that fat in the first place - NOW you are gonig to play the martyr? PULEEEEEEZ. I can understand the parents wanting to go home ahead of the kid if the choice HAS to be made (as opposed to Helen's move a few year's ago, sending her daughter home - unacceptable), but throwing the weigh-in is ridiculous. That awful Dairy Queen/Gym Owner mother who let her daughter get to be 5000 lbs when she OWNS a gym makes me absolutely sick. I HATE her. And look at which one of the martyr parents ended up not going home? She's already skinny enough to leave - let that annoying old black man stay and help Arthur with his "journey", for crying out loud. HATE HER. Do these people realize how many fat people are at home, wishing they were still on "the ranch"? At least Rulon wants to be there, even though he and his partner are ridiculous and annoying. I just love Arthur - I can't help it. He has the biggest pussy-Joe I've ever seen. And he made the dumbest "game-play" move I've ever seen. But I love Arthur anyway - maybe it's just because his name is Arthur...

I hate the new boxing is everything trainers - it ain't working, Unknowns!!! I love that Bob and Jillian are kicking their asses with a bunch of "skinny" girls and Arthur and Arthur's annoying dad. And I hate the way the Unknowns work out with their people, like to show off the skills. Or are they too lazy to get in a workout before or after training their team, so they have to do it alongside them? I am not spending my quality time to watch 2 "world-class trainers" work out - stop showing off!! I'd rather watch you climb all over the equipment while the fatties try to lose some weight...

I think all of the "annoyings" from Top Chef are gone. Scratch that - "Mikey" is still there. He is hideous! The big, wet, yellowish teeth and the burping and farting just make me not want to eat his food! And I think he is a chef in DC. Hmmmm.... I am totally into Carla and Tiffany and Antonia (I wonder why) - ok, so I'm rooting for the chicks! SO??!!! I like women in power. I'm glad Angelo is gone - he is weird even though he seems to be a good chef and I am tired of Richard Blaise and his liquid nitrogen. Enough, already!! Why is Antonia so good? I love it!! I'll be siked if any of the chicks win but I sort of think it will be Blaise.

Surviv-uh. I have to watch because Boston Rawb is back. At some point, I MUST address that ridiculous black man in his underoos. Why the underoos?? I just don't understand!! I love that Rawb already screwed over the innocent blonde churchy dude - I don't have much else to say except....I will be watching!!

Is anyone watching Shameless? It is aptly named, and I love it.

Inspiration

How can I not feel inspired? The Bachelor is on again, and there is SO much to talk about here, even though the Bachelor is incredibly boring. The Biggest Loser is in a new season and there are "unknowns". American Idol has started up, although I have yet to see it, and there MUST be something to discuss. Hoarders. Hanna. What more can I say there? And, of course, I spent last weekend with my favorite friends, and my weekend with them has caused my blogging shoddiness to change in the following ways.....MANY.

Before I hone in on my favorite TV shows, I feel it is necessary to relay the experience I had last night in the DC snowstorm. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?? I left my office at 430ish, as the snow was just beginning to fall. I thought I would make it home (it's about a 40 minute drive) before any REAL snow started to fall. I was right, for the most part - I made it home at 11 PM, and there really wasn't any significant snowfall at that time, maybe 4-6 inches. HOWEVER, it took me over 6 hours to get home, involved a pull over to the side of the road to pee in the woods, and I ended up parking my car in the shopping center up the street and walking the rest of the way.

What was the problem? Well...the main problem was the trucks that were stuck in the MIDDLE of the highway. The main part of the problem (between 18 miles from home and 14 miles from home, which took roughly 4 hours) was a "gaggle" of trucks, 4, that were stopped in the middle of the highway. I believe one of them was stuck. The others, I think, were trying to fuck over the rest of us. Once I reached the gaggle, I had to weave my way in between them in order to continue on my "journey" - (not to be confused with the BL journeys - my journey SUCKED). I then was able to crawl along the road at a steady 5 miles per hour (do the math) until I reached my final destination. Along the way, there were many cars that were stopped/stuck in the middle of the road, causing more weaving, but never one to the extent of the gaggle. My question is this - if you were driving a truck, and you knew that the tires SUCKED in the snow (literally 75% of the trucks I saw were stuck), why not get off the road when it starts to snow? You may ask yourself why I didn't leave work earlier so I could get home before the idiots hit the road - because I'm an idiot, myself. I didn't realize what these drivers are like!! You may ask yourself why I didn't pee before I left the office in anticipation of a long ride - again, I would refer to my previous statement declaring my own idiocy. You may ask what finally drove me to run into the woods on the side of the road, remove an entire pant leg in order to pee freely and in relatively shrouded view of the 9000 cars still on the highway - I can't answer that. My stomach hurt, my bladder hurt and I had tavelled 2 miles in 4 hours with no end in sight. There was no hotel in sight. I guess the final inspiration was the fact that I saw a "wooded area" where I could pee. Or maybe, in my mind, I realized that it would make a really good story. At any rate, I did it and I was SO happy that I did, even though I felt dirty and pee-ish for the remainder of the ride. What is the solution? Should I keep Depends in my car? At this moment yesterday, I was blatantly wishing I had a penis, no question, so I could pee into one of the many empty bottles of water I had stupidly drunk throughout the course of the day.

When I arrived at the shopping center and changed into more appropriate "walking clothes" (yes, I had packed a bag in anticipation of the snowstorm, thinking I might stay overnight near the office, but chose to take the ride instead), I discovered that I couldn't find my underwear. Where could it be???

Switching gears, let's please discuss the Bachelor. I did not watch Brad's first season, so I don't have a frame of reference, but I find him to be incredibly boring. And his dedication to working on himself is admirable, I guess (down to having a "Los Angeles therapist" he calls buddy), but seriously? Does everyone else tire of hearing about his 3 years of intensive therapy? And have the 3 years of intensive therapy done anything for him besides make him incredibly annoying and patronizing? And FINALLY, can he send some of the ladies to his LA therapist? Surely the guy (buddy) needs additional clients, and I feel like there are a few candidates among his current women.

And on to the women - ok...Michelle is nuts!! But, I kind of feel like she is less nuts than they are portraying - I think if I were on the Bachelor, I would totally be pulling the same shit in my interviews. Of course, I would be joking/playing it up for the cameras (with the fist pumping and gang signs and punching my fist into my open hand to simulate crushing all of the other girls), but I kind of love her antics. I also have to admit that I kind of love that Brad loves her. She is attractive (not to be confused with the other crazy, Ashley, who has quite possibly the biggest forehead I have ever seen with the exception of Ben Affleck), and I'm not sure I would have been able to rappel down the side of the building in order to secure the love of Brad.

My biggest issue with the ladies is the constant complaints about him spending time with other women. Did they not realize this would happen when they signed up for the show? The only one who actually admits she realizes she signed up for it is Chantal, not to be confused with Shawntal (or whatever, the funeral director), which is why I like her the best. I think he is going to pick her or Michelle, and not the Barbie they are all afraid he loves. I just read that Michelle is a "homewrecker" and had an affair with a married NBA player before coming out for the Bachelor to declare, "HE IS MINE". If the therapy has worked, he will pick Chantal. If the therapy has not worked, he will pick Michelle. If the therapy has turned him into some kind of a saint, he will pick Barbie, I mean Emily. Emily has a VERY sad story but, once again, snoooooooooooore. She will likely be the next Bachelorette, after Brad picks Michelle or Chantal, but I think she might be too "Southern", which can generally equate to boring or stupid, which might hurt her chances to be the B-ette. I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!!!

Ok - I have to sign off - I will get to BL and Top Chef - I promise to be a better blogger. Being a blogger with fans has changed my life in the following ways....MANY.

Shoddy Blog Maintenance

Ok - so I checked the date of my last post (I actually think I would post more often if I didn't feel pressure to use captial letters and punctuation) - that being said, I have had a relapse of neck pain and it has affected my blogging. HOWEVER, I have been flying quite a bit lately, and I think it is important to share my experiences.

For starters, I went to see a doctor in Cleveland. After getting NO good news, we returned to the airport, ready to fly home, in tears. At first, I was mortified to be openly crying in the airport over lunch but then I realized that the airport can totally be an acceptable place to shed a tear! I looked at J and said, "Don't worry, honey. We can openly cry here - people will just think we flew in for a funeral..."

Ok...I am SO glad Yigit (I refuse to pronounce any other way but Yih-Jit) won Flaming Top Chef. I really didn't care who won but when it became a choice between awful Morgan (who is the gayest dude ever, as evidenced by referring to himself and SETH as the only straight guys in the house) and Danielle, she of the sunken chin - did she have no bottom teeth? Is that why the chin was sunken? How did she get so far after using vegetables for one challenge on Top Chef PASTRY?? And by the other way (not to be confused with "by the by"), I am writing this entry FROM a plane!! How awesome is that? AND...I am listening to Jason Castro on my ipod while I write this entry from plane. LOVE it!! Now that I truly think about it, however, I am also glad that Heather didn't win. Not Heather with the bandaid on her forehead covering up a helluva scar, but Asian, bitter Heather. I wouldn't have minded flaming Zac (Zack?), because the celebration would have been AMAZING, but Iwas not a fan of angry Heather. And I think I also was not a fan of "Team Go Diva" - really??? I mean, it was clever and everything, but it just highlighted the sheer ridiculosity of the show!! I think I was rooting for the baker who, although gay, was unceremoniously excluded from Team Go Diva, which is kind of bullshit, no? I just need to address that Flaming Top Chef is in stiff competition with The Bachelor(ette) for my favorite show (although Dexter really has to be up there since I love rooting for a serial killer!).

At any rate, back to plane travel. SO....we get on the plane in DC earlier this week (I'm not sure this story is going to translate without the expressions but I'll give it a whirl) - I am hoping, as always, that nobody "heavy" is sitting next to me. I was pleased to see a young, relatively good-looking young dude in my row, until I catch a gander of the intense stare he is sending my way. It seemed somewhat analytical, as if he was thinking, "Can I confide in this one? I REALLY need soemone to talk to...." In short, the answer to question number one was YES - I was a worthy listener, and boy did he ever want to talk!! J had bought me a 5-Guys burger for the plane ride, and as I start to unwrap it, Intensity is looking at me like I am unwrapping soon to be wife of Prince William's engagement ring straight off the finger of Princess Di. He says, "Is that a burger??" What could I say but, "Yes - do you want some of it?" What coud he say but, "Are you serious?", as a bit of drool fell from his lips. I said yes and gave him half of the burger which he devoured with a dreamy look on his face. I come to find out (after he rejected the French Fries with the reasoning, "I can't eat potatoes for a while") that he is returning from a 13-month stint in the Congo. That's not the worst of this guy's story - he flew to DC on Ethiopia Air, where apparently, a passenger died on the flight and Intensity was the only "medical personnel" on the plane, being a paramedic. He told us that he couldn't save the guy, that Ethiopia Air is shoddy, that the defibrillator was broken, and that if they had let the plane land in Maine, he might have had a shot to save the life. While he is telling the story, he is systematically pulling out various items that were bestowed on him by Ethiopia Air as thanks for attempting to save one of their passengers. A few blankets and a pillow, for example. He was VERY upset. He then proceeds to show us his passport picture which, apparently, was 45 lbs ago - weight he lost in the Congo. He is returning home and will attend Counseling for 2 months, before deciding whether or not to return to the Congo for another stint. His next question, "Do you have any CHEWING gum?" Yep - I gave him some chewing gum.... He then announced that he had taken a Valium, would be passing out for the remainder of the flight, leaned forward, wrapped in Ethiopia Air blankets, with an arm on my tray table and slept the rest of the way. What a seatmate! I might have to change my view on the heavies...

I'm back and soon, The Bachelor will be too!!!

I Am Such A SAP

First of all, I really want to addresss the fact that DEXTER IS BACK!!! I really love the show! I thought it was especially entertaining that Dexter had to go to a funeral home to arrange for the burial of his beloved wife Rita... Do you think the Dexter execs toyed with the idea of having his brother from Six Feet Under (which I also LOVED) come back as the funeral home dude? That would have been amazing.

If I were an English teacher (or TV Show analyst), I could have a field day with the meaning behind the FEELINGS on this show. Like....I was mad at Dexter for letting Rita die. I wasn't mad at Dexter for being a serial killer or for accidentally killing a non-killer - I wasn't even mad at him for wanting to "study" LITHGOW so he could learn more about how to be a serial killer with a family - I was mad at Dexter for not killing Trinity quickly enough save his wife!! Isn't that a good topic for discussion?

Biggest Loser also started this week. For some reason, I was reluctant to watch it - it took me until Sunday to make the commitment to watch the whole thing. I think the reason I was reluctant is how completely and totally SUCKED IN I get!! It seems that you need to have some sort of major tragedy in your life AND be fat in order to "make" the show now. It has gotten incredibly sad - the one lady whose daughter starved herself and had to be hospitalized because she didn't want to be "fat like mommy"? Or the little boy (slash big, fat 27-year old man) whose mother died last year from obesity and now he says he will NOT lose the battle with this disease! Obesity is crazy...and sad. Getting on BL is like winning the lottery to these people! I actually loved the people who came to the BL rallies just to be inspired to CONTINUE weight-loss they had already started on their own. And not only was it awful that the 3rd person in the little "contest to make the show" got shafted (although I'm sure they will get an opportunity to return), but the 1000 other people in the crowd don't get to be on the show. They need it! They are going to die!!

I can't believe the fat men all voted off the youngest woman instead of the oldest woman. And watching the women "race" to the flag to not be below the yellow line was insane! First of all, they didn't "stagger" the race, and the chicks on the outside were totally at a disadvantage. These people couldn't even run - what they called running was some sort of shoddy version of speed-walking. Of course, it would have made no sense to stagger the start when the "sprint" was about 10 feet long. Couldn't they have sprinted for 50 or 100 yards? Seriously??

On another note, OH MY GOD GLEE. I was looking forward to an appearance by Britney Spears, which I was led to believe was much more significant than a flirt with the Glee Brittany, and Glee proceeded to do everything that could possibly upset me!! First of all, the whole assembly scene with Jacob Ben Israel was quite possibly the most upsetting thing I have ever seen - the only thing that made it somewhat acceptable is that I sat next to a guy who looked EXACTLY like him in synagogue last week. The guy walked up to me (I was by myself in the row) and asked if the seats were available. I said yes (while quietly giggling to myself that this guy looked EXACTLY like someone I couldn't place) and he said, "GREAT! We're new here! I'm Jacob!" (Ok, maybe he wasn't Jacob but it makes the story better). I was speechless and just stared with a dumbfounded look on my face while he paraded his wife (who was WAY too attractive for a dude with that hairdo) and 3 kids into MY row. I didn't speak until the elderly lady sitting in front of me politely asked me to put her cane across the 2 seats beside me to "save" them for her children. SO....yes - I was surrounded in synagogue by Jacob and a cane. And I was sinning in my own head on Yom Kippur, giggling at the expense of another...

But can we address the teeth??? The blue stuff?? Is that real? YUCK!!! 63 cavities in one mouth? GROSS!! I am very upset about it and can't discuss any further.

I love the chubby black kid on DWTS - and The Situation is totally pigeon-toed!! He is the most pigeon-toed person I have seen since Tal Cohen (the Jacob Ben Isreal of Bugbee Elementary). I wonder if he was a total geek when he was a kid? That's all I have to say about THAT.

I love House

That might be a topic every week although, there is always a "love match waiting to happen" on any good show. Kate and Sawyer (although did the blonde chick win us over - obviously not since I can't remember her name and she died), Dr. Carter and Abby, Timberlake and Spears, Vinny and Snooki, George and Meredith Gray? Ok...so I can't think of any right now!! But House and Cutty definitely fit the bill. So I'm nto sure if them getting together is anticlimactic or maybe it's going to ruin the show, but for now, it was quite sweet and made me cry a little. While I thought it was nice when she kissed the big, nasty scar on his leg, I liked it even better that they took a bath together in Old Spice, Listerine and whatever else he had in his bathroom. I just love House!! But I need a new medical mystery next week - the love story will get old.

I DID catch a few performances on DWTS - and I have to say the only reason I was remotely interested was The Situation. Comments....Jennifer Gray never should have had a nose job. But, I kind of liked her. I loved the fat, black kid - why does black dance so much better than white? In keeping with that theme, they should NEVER let another white football player on the show - it is true - WHITE MEN CAN'T DANCE. Well, at least it's true of white football players. Palin was terrible, Cho actually wasn't bad but I have to agree with the judges that she needs to lose the joking. Hasselhoff sucked, Florence Henderson was weird (why do they always have to have a token "Old" on the show?) and Rick Fox is ridiculously tall but perpetuates the theory that black dances way better than white. But, of course, why am I even writing about the show?? THE SITUATION SUCKED!! And what I realized while watching him dance, even more than watching him on MTV, is that he is really fucking ugly. And it's really awkward to see him try to be cool in a Situation other than Jersey Shore (or Miami, for that matter).

I'm not sure if I can keep watching except I sort of love the train wreck of a Situation and I think the fans will vote for him. Will the fans vote for him? Is it time for Dexter yet???