I HATE BL and Brad and Emily are going DOWN

And if Mike Isabella wins Top Chef, I might throw up. I absolutely hate BL this season - maybe it's too many damn parent/child pairs. These parents are the assholes that let their kids get this fat. And now they are just so ready to "fall on the sword" for their kids. They are so full of shit!! The only weigh-in black lost was the one they threw, for their kids. Their kids need to lose the damn weight!! And most of all, I HATE Dairy Queen's mother. She is the "house mother" and everybody just loves her. She is a selfish bitch who owns a gym and let her daughter get over 400 pounds - are you kidding me?? And now she is a hero? And if she wanted Arthur to stay, she could have picked herself for the red team, where she would have been voted off, and Arthur could have stayed on black and stayed. I hate it! It pisses me off!! They shouldn't let parents on anymore if this is how it's going to be. I hate those damn brothers who gained a thousand pounds so they could go home when a million fatties are home wishing they were taking a "journey" on the ranch. I also hate this part of the show bcause they are getting closer and closer to my weight and I can't justify sitting in front of the show eating up a storm.

And one more thing - I love the fact that Bob and Jillian are kicking Unknown Ass. They have all the "skinny" girls against the huge dudes and they are crushing them at weigh-ins (unless the ashole parents are throwing the weigh-in). I love that when people switch to B&J, they start losing more weight. The boxing just isn't cutting it, UNKNOWNS!! And have you noticed that they are never in the commercials? It's always Bob, Jillian and Sammi - love it!!

Brad and Emily are SOOOO boring but it was blatnatly obvious that he was going to pick her from pretty early on- I was hoping for Chantal but it just wasn't happening. I love that Emily has turned out to be a bitch "after the final rose". I love that she nixed the "reunion show wedding" and that she can't handle watching Brad make out with the other chicks. She is NOT the sweetie they made her out to be!! And what kind of a person leaves her little fatherless kid to go on the Bachelor? How does Brad not see that?? And, oh by the way, why couldn't Neil Lane appropriately size the ring???

Did anyone else notice that Brad's twin brother is way hotter than Brad?? I kind of love that.

I'm pissed that Carla went home - but at least she didn't do it for somebody else's shoddy cooking techniques. I really think Tiffany has GOT to go - I like her, but she sucks. She has no chance to win, so let's get down to Richard and Antonia and get it on!!

I'm sorry I haven't been traveling much lately - I don't have any good stories!! Don't worry....they will be back.

Did anybody see "Heavy" with the midget?? AWKWARD!! WINNING!!!

I'm slightly devastated that the Bachelor is over and I'm slightly devastated that Chantal has a boyfriend and we won't get to see her as the B-ette. Could it be Michelle? Another terrible mother? If Giant Forehead gets the call, I might not be able to watch it. Of course, I said that about Ali, and about Jake. Maybe they will bring Vienna back!

I promise to watch Bachelor Pad this time around - I hear it is QUITE the show...

Headaches suck, by the way.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Ok - I am VERY upset that Robbie (Robby?) Rosen was sent packing. I had no idea they were sending everybody home on day 1!! My disappointment is ALMOST allayed by the fact that the flaming tomato and CLINT are gone - I'm so glad Clint is gone!! Those GLASSES!! But I really think Robbie should have made the cut. Is it me, or is there some kind of Latin/Gospel flair to this season's top 13? Is that the J-LO contribution?

I HATE Steven Tyler as a judge. First of all, and I know this is a serious stretch, but he reminds me of Dr. Sloan - does anybody see that? He has that casual, slow voice thing going on. He makes NO sense and he is WAY too nice as a judge. I didn't think it would matter all that much, but I seriously miss Simon. And I am happy that the cleaning lady made it through, but not at the expense of Robbie!!

I guess I am firmly in the corner of Casey and Tourets with room for big-assed Lauren. I think she actually might win but if she goes down the country road, I am NOT going to be a fan. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE the deep voiced dude, probably because I HATE HATE HATE country music. It's AWFUL! I love that they compared Lauren to Pickler and she had the grace not to be appalled publicly - good move, kid!! I sort of love Stefano also, and not because he is the namesake of Days of Our Lives greatest villain, but because he is adorable and has a good voice. But he took Robbie's spot!! Oy.

Anyway - TOP CHEF!! I love it! Can Antonia pull it off? Can Carla pull it off? Can somebody please send Mike home? He just strikes me as dirty (kind of like Alex on Grey's). There has been a lot of attention spent on his burping and farting and spitting - yuck!! I don't think Tiffany has a snowball's chance in hell of winning but I still like her - I just want a woman to win!! I think Antonia has the best shot -she has been kicking ass lately. And why didn't they bring her daughter to the Ellis Island reunion? And the Bahamas? Really? Is that the best they could do? What is "Bahamian cuisine" - CONCH? (AKA CONK)?

I haven't watched any more Survivor yet, and I am behind on this week's BL episode and this is the week I HATE when it comes to the Bachelor. Screw the "women tell all" - tell me who he picked!!!

OOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKK - it's nice to have my shows back...where are the fans??

Of course!!

I am watching American Idol - you know I am a sucker for that show. I don't really care that Simon isn't a judge - I was APPALLED by J-Lo's crying fit when she had to send home "I'm staying with my brain-damaged fiance because I'm a good guy." Ok - I get that it was sad and depressing and you had to do the right thing for the show, but CALM DOWN, J-LO!! This isn't about you!!!

My early favorites and people I love to hate - I hate the little Asian guy who kicked the fat kid out of his group and wears GIANT glasses that make him look challenged. I HATE the deep voiced country singer - I hate all country singers. I'm totally torn about the guy with Touret's syndrome - he clearly has a great voice but he's slightly creepy, no? I hate the pale girl who didn't make it a couple of times and has now finally made it on the 3rd try. I totally hate the tall black guy and I HATE the flaming carrot-top lookalike. DRAMA QUEEN!!!! And why did they keep the poor little fat kid so long? He would have been EATEN ALIVE, but I was kind of into the kid with the "flip" and the acid-washed black jeans (or were they jeggings) who was beat out by carrot top. I like the blonde chick, Lauren, maybe? I like Julie Z, mostly because her name is Julie and I LOVE the base-playing dude. And finally, I HATE that big black dude who burst into tears after his rendition of whatever gospel song it was. I thought I liked gospel singers until I met him (Jacob, is it?) Ugh - I can't bear the thought of watching his giant, wet mouth screeching all season. AND I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE Robbie Rosen. Is that his name? I love him - he has a giant mouth and a giant nose but he has a fabulous voice. Carrot-Top is also a Jew - why so many Jews on Idol this season?? OH - and I LOVE beer. Just because - I thought I'd throw that in there...

It is Bachelor night!! God I LOVE that show. Terrible, you should be happy that Shawntel (but not Chantal) has been eliminated. Of COURSE he couldn't deal with the funeral home - ridiculous!! I can't believe Ashley with the GIANT forehead is still hanging on - and I think they are all playing for 2nd place - he is SO going for Emily. But what was the weirdness with him not kissing her with the daughter upstairs - seriously?? That was such a "therapy-Brad" thing to do, wasn't it?

I hate the Unknowns - and the Unknowns SUCK. The only weigh-in they have won is when the "parents" threw the weigh-in so Arthur wouldn't have to go home and he ended up "pulling" a big number, anyway. I HATE martyr parents. Especially since they let their kids get to be that fat in the first place - NOW you are gonig to play the martyr? PULEEEEEEZ. I can understand the parents wanting to go home ahead of the kid if the choice HAS to be made (as opposed to Helen's move a few year's ago, sending her daughter home - unacceptable), but throwing the weigh-in is ridiculous. That awful Dairy Queen/Gym Owner mother who let her daughter get to be 5000 lbs when she OWNS a gym makes me absolutely sick. I HATE her. And look at which one of the martyr parents ended up not going home? She's already skinny enough to leave - let that annoying old black man stay and help Arthur with his "journey", for crying out loud. HATE HER. Do these people realize how many fat people are at home, wishing they were still on "the ranch"? At least Rulon wants to be there, even though he and his partner are ridiculous and annoying. I just love Arthur - I can't help it. He has the biggest pussy-Joe I've ever seen. And he made the dumbest "game-play" move I've ever seen. But I love Arthur anyway - maybe it's just because his name is Arthur...

I hate the new boxing is everything trainers - it ain't working, Unknowns!!! I love that Bob and Jillian are kicking their asses with a bunch of "skinny" girls and Arthur and Arthur's annoying dad. And I hate the way the Unknowns work out with their people, like to show off the skills. Or are they too lazy to get in a workout before or after training their team, so they have to do it alongside them? I am not spending my quality time to watch 2 "world-class trainers" work out - stop showing off!! I'd rather watch you climb all over the equipment while the fatties try to lose some weight...

I think all of the "annoyings" from Top Chef are gone. Scratch that - "Mikey" is still there. He is hideous! The big, wet, yellowish teeth and the burping and farting just make me not want to eat his food! And I think he is a chef in DC. Hmmmm.... I am totally into Carla and Tiffany and Antonia (I wonder why) - ok, so I'm rooting for the chicks! SO??!!! I like women in power. I'm glad Angelo is gone - he is weird even though he seems to be a good chef and I am tired of Richard Blaise and his liquid nitrogen. Enough, already!! Why is Antonia so good? I love it!! I'll be siked if any of the chicks win but I sort of think it will be Blaise.

Surviv-uh. I have to watch because Boston Rawb is back. At some point, I MUST address that ridiculous black man in his underoos. Why the underoos?? I just don't understand!! I love that Rawb already screwed over the innocent blonde churchy dude - I don't have much else to say except....I will be watching!!

Is anyone watching Shameless? It is aptly named, and I love it.

Inspiration

How can I not feel inspired? The Bachelor is on again, and there is SO much to talk about here, even though the Bachelor is incredibly boring. The Biggest Loser is in a new season and there are "unknowns". American Idol has started up, although I have yet to see it, and there MUST be something to discuss. Hoarders. Hanna. What more can I say there? And, of course, I spent last weekend with my favorite friends, and my weekend with them has caused my blogging shoddiness to change in the following ways.....MANY.

Before I hone in on my favorite TV shows, I feel it is necessary to relay the experience I had last night in the DC snowstorm. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?? I left my office at 430ish, as the snow was just beginning to fall. I thought I would make it home (it's about a 40 minute drive) before any REAL snow started to fall. I was right, for the most part - I made it home at 11 PM, and there really wasn't any significant snowfall at that time, maybe 4-6 inches. HOWEVER, it took me over 6 hours to get home, involved a pull over to the side of the road to pee in the woods, and I ended up parking my car in the shopping center up the street and walking the rest of the way.

What was the problem? Well...the main problem was the trucks that were stuck in the MIDDLE of the highway. The main part of the problem (between 18 miles from home and 14 miles from home, which took roughly 4 hours) was a "gaggle" of trucks, 4, that were stopped in the middle of the highway. I believe one of them was stuck. The others, I think, were trying to fuck over the rest of us. Once I reached the gaggle, I had to weave my way in between them in order to continue on my "journey" - (not to be confused with the BL journeys - my journey SUCKED). I then was able to crawl along the road at a steady 5 miles per hour (do the math) until I reached my final destination. Along the way, there were many cars that were stopped/stuck in the middle of the road, causing more weaving, but never one to the extent of the gaggle. My question is this - if you were driving a truck, and you knew that the tires SUCKED in the snow (literally 75% of the trucks I saw were stuck), why not get off the road when it starts to snow? You may ask yourself why I didn't leave work earlier so I could get home before the idiots hit the road - because I'm an idiot, myself. I didn't realize what these drivers are like!! You may ask yourself why I didn't pee before I left the office in anticipation of a long ride - again, I would refer to my previous statement declaring my own idiocy. You may ask what finally drove me to run into the woods on the side of the road, remove an entire pant leg in order to pee freely and in relatively shrouded view of the 9000 cars still on the highway - I can't answer that. My stomach hurt, my bladder hurt and I had tavelled 2 miles in 4 hours with no end in sight. There was no hotel in sight. I guess the final inspiration was the fact that I saw a "wooded area" where I could pee. Or maybe, in my mind, I realized that it would make a really good story. At any rate, I did it and I was SO happy that I did, even though I felt dirty and pee-ish for the remainder of the ride. What is the solution? Should I keep Depends in my car? At this moment yesterday, I was blatantly wishing I had a penis, no question, so I could pee into one of the many empty bottles of water I had stupidly drunk throughout the course of the day.

When I arrived at the shopping center and changed into more appropriate "walking clothes" (yes, I had packed a bag in anticipation of the snowstorm, thinking I might stay overnight near the office, but chose to take the ride instead), I discovered that I couldn't find my underwear. Where could it be???

Switching gears, let's please discuss the Bachelor. I did not watch Brad's first season, so I don't have a frame of reference, but I find him to be incredibly boring. And his dedication to working on himself is admirable, I guess (down to having a "Los Angeles therapist" he calls buddy), but seriously? Does everyone else tire of hearing about his 3 years of intensive therapy? And have the 3 years of intensive therapy done anything for him besides make him incredibly annoying and patronizing? And FINALLY, can he send some of the ladies to his LA therapist? Surely the guy (buddy) needs additional clients, and I feel like there are a few candidates among his current women.

And on to the women - ok...Michelle is nuts!! But, I kind of feel like she is less nuts than they are portraying - I think if I were on the Bachelor, I would totally be pulling the same shit in my interviews. Of course, I would be joking/playing it up for the cameras (with the fist pumping and gang signs and punching my fist into my open hand to simulate crushing all of the other girls), but I kind of love her antics. I also have to admit that I kind of love that Brad loves her. She is attractive (not to be confused with the other crazy, Ashley, who has quite possibly the biggest forehead I have ever seen with the exception of Ben Affleck), and I'm not sure I would have been able to rappel down the side of the building in order to secure the love of Brad.

My biggest issue with the ladies is the constant complaints about him spending time with other women. Did they not realize this would happen when they signed up for the show? The only one who actually admits she realizes she signed up for it is Chantal, not to be confused with Shawntal (or whatever, the funeral director), which is why I like her the best. I think he is going to pick her or Michelle, and not the Barbie they are all afraid he loves. I just read that Michelle is a "homewrecker" and had an affair with a married NBA player before coming out for the Bachelor to declare, "HE IS MINE". If the therapy has worked, he will pick Chantal. If the therapy has not worked, he will pick Michelle. If the therapy has turned him into some kind of a saint, he will pick Barbie, I mean Emily. Emily has a VERY sad story but, once again, snoooooooooooore. She will likely be the next Bachelorette, after Brad picks Michelle or Chantal, but I think she might be too "Southern", which can generally equate to boring or stupid, which might hurt her chances to be the B-ette. I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!!!

Ok - I have to sign off - I will get to BL and Top Chef - I promise to be a better blogger. Being a blogger with fans has changed my life in the following ways....MANY.

Shoddy Blog Maintenance

Ok - so I checked the date of my last post (I actually think I would post more often if I didn't feel pressure to use captial letters and punctuation) - that being said, I have had a relapse of neck pain and it has affected my blogging. HOWEVER, I have been flying quite a bit lately, and I think it is important to share my experiences.

For starters, I went to see a doctor in Cleveland. After getting NO good news, we returned to the airport, ready to fly home, in tears. At first, I was mortified to be openly crying in the airport over lunch but then I realized that the airport can totally be an acceptable place to shed a tear! I looked at J and said, "Don't worry, honey. We can openly cry here - people will just think we flew in for a funeral..."

Ok...I am SO glad Yigit (I refuse to pronounce any other way but Yih-Jit) won Flaming Top Chef. I really didn't care who won but when it became a choice between awful Morgan (who is the gayest dude ever, as evidenced by referring to himself and SETH as the only straight guys in the house) and Danielle, she of the sunken chin - did she have no bottom teeth? Is that why the chin was sunken? How did she get so far after using vegetables for one challenge on Top Chef PASTRY?? And by the other way (not to be confused with "by the by"), I am writing this entry FROM a plane!! How awesome is that? AND...I am listening to Jason Castro on my ipod while I write this entry from plane. LOVE it!! Now that I truly think about it, however, I am also glad that Heather didn't win. Not Heather with the bandaid on her forehead covering up a helluva scar, but Asian, bitter Heather. I wouldn't have minded flaming Zac (Zack?), because the celebration would have been AMAZING, but Iwas not a fan of angry Heather. And I think I also was not a fan of "Team Go Diva" - really??? I mean, it was clever and everything, but it just highlighted the sheer ridiculosity of the show!! I think I was rooting for the baker who, although gay, was unceremoniously excluded from Team Go Diva, which is kind of bullshit, no? I just need to address that Flaming Top Chef is in stiff competition with The Bachelor(ette) for my favorite show (although Dexter really has to be up there since I love rooting for a serial killer!).

At any rate, back to plane travel. SO....we get on the plane in DC earlier this week (I'm not sure this story is going to translate without the expressions but I'll give it a whirl) - I am hoping, as always, that nobody "heavy" is sitting next to me. I was pleased to see a young, relatively good-looking young dude in my row, until I catch a gander of the intense stare he is sending my way. It seemed somewhat analytical, as if he was thinking, "Can I confide in this one? I REALLY need soemone to talk to...." In short, the answer to question number one was YES - I was a worthy listener, and boy did he ever want to talk!! J had bought me a 5-Guys burger for the plane ride, and as I start to unwrap it, Intensity is looking at me like I am unwrapping soon to be wife of Prince William's engagement ring straight off the finger of Princess Di. He says, "Is that a burger??" What could I say but, "Yes - do you want some of it?" What coud he say but, "Are you serious?", as a bit of drool fell from his lips. I said yes and gave him half of the burger which he devoured with a dreamy look on his face. I come to find out (after he rejected the French Fries with the reasoning, "I can't eat potatoes for a while") that he is returning from a 13-month stint in the Congo. That's not the worst of this guy's story - he flew to DC on Ethiopia Air, where apparently, a passenger died on the flight and Intensity was the only "medical personnel" on the plane, being a paramedic. He told us that he couldn't save the guy, that Ethiopia Air is shoddy, that the defibrillator was broken, and that if they had let the plane land in Maine, he might have had a shot to save the life. While he is telling the story, he is systematically pulling out various items that were bestowed on him by Ethiopia Air as thanks for attempting to save one of their passengers. A few blankets and a pillow, for example. He was VERY upset. He then proceeds to show us his passport picture which, apparently, was 45 lbs ago - weight he lost in the Congo. He is returning home and will attend Counseling for 2 months, before deciding whether or not to return to the Congo for another stint. His next question, "Do you have any CHEWING gum?" Yep - I gave him some chewing gum.... He then announced that he had taken a Valium, would be passing out for the remainder of the flight, leaned forward, wrapped in Ethiopia Air blankets, with an arm on my tray table and slept the rest of the way. What a seatmate! I might have to change my view on the heavies...

I'm back and soon, The Bachelor will be too!!!

I Am Such A SAP

First of all, I really want to addresss the fact that DEXTER IS BACK!!! I really love the show! I thought it was especially entertaining that Dexter had to go to a funeral home to arrange for the burial of his beloved wife Rita... Do you think the Dexter execs toyed with the idea of having his brother from Six Feet Under (which I also LOVED) come back as the funeral home dude? That would have been amazing.

If I were an English teacher (or TV Show analyst), I could have a field day with the meaning behind the FEELINGS on this show. Like....I was mad at Dexter for letting Rita die. I wasn't mad at Dexter for being a serial killer or for accidentally killing a non-killer - I wasn't even mad at him for wanting to "study" LITHGOW so he could learn more about how to be a serial killer with a family - I was mad at Dexter for not killing Trinity quickly enough save his wife!! Isn't that a good topic for discussion?

Biggest Loser also started this week. For some reason, I was reluctant to watch it - it took me until Sunday to make the commitment to watch the whole thing. I think the reason I was reluctant is how completely and totally SUCKED IN I get!! It seems that you need to have some sort of major tragedy in your life AND be fat in order to "make" the show now. It has gotten incredibly sad - the one lady whose daughter starved herself and had to be hospitalized because she didn't want to be "fat like mommy"? Or the little boy (slash big, fat 27-year old man) whose mother died last year from obesity and now he says he will NOT lose the battle with this disease! Obesity is crazy...and sad. Getting on BL is like winning the lottery to these people! I actually loved the people who came to the BL rallies just to be inspired to CONTINUE weight-loss they had already started on their own. And not only was it awful that the 3rd person in the little "contest to make the show" got shafted (although I'm sure they will get an opportunity to return), but the 1000 other people in the crowd don't get to be on the show. They need it! They are going to die!!

I can't believe the fat men all voted off the youngest woman instead of the oldest woman. And watching the women "race" to the flag to not be below the yellow line was insane! First of all, they didn't "stagger" the race, and the chicks on the outside were totally at a disadvantage. These people couldn't even run - what they called running was some sort of shoddy version of speed-walking. Of course, it would have made no sense to stagger the start when the "sprint" was about 10 feet long. Couldn't they have sprinted for 50 or 100 yards? Seriously??

On another note, OH MY GOD GLEE. I was looking forward to an appearance by Britney Spears, which I was led to believe was much more significant than a flirt with the Glee Brittany, and Glee proceeded to do everything that could possibly upset me!! First of all, the whole assembly scene with Jacob Ben Israel was quite possibly the most upsetting thing I have ever seen - the only thing that made it somewhat acceptable is that I sat next to a guy who looked EXACTLY like him in synagogue last week. The guy walked up to me (I was by myself in the row) and asked if the seats were available. I said yes (while quietly giggling to myself that this guy looked EXACTLY like someone I couldn't place) and he said, "GREAT! We're new here! I'm Jacob!" (Ok, maybe he wasn't Jacob but it makes the story better). I was speechless and just stared with a dumbfounded look on my face while he paraded his wife (who was WAY too attractive for a dude with that hairdo) and 3 kids into MY row. I didn't speak until the elderly lady sitting in front of me politely asked me to put her cane across the 2 seats beside me to "save" them for her children. SO....yes - I was surrounded in synagogue by Jacob and a cane. And I was sinning in my own head on Yom Kippur, giggling at the expense of another...

But can we address the teeth??? The blue stuff?? Is that real? YUCK!!! 63 cavities in one mouth? GROSS!! I am very upset about it and can't discuss any further.

I love the chubby black kid on DWTS - and The Situation is totally pigeon-toed!! He is the most pigeon-toed person I have seen since Tal Cohen (the Jacob Ben Isreal of Bugbee Elementary). I wonder if he was a total geek when he was a kid? That's all I have to say about THAT.

I love House

That might be a topic every week although, there is always a "love match waiting to happen" on any good show. Kate and Sawyer (although did the blonde chick win us over - obviously not since I can't remember her name and she died), Dr. Carter and Abby, Timberlake and Spears, Vinny and Snooki, George and Meredith Gray? Ok...so I can't think of any right now!! But House and Cutty definitely fit the bill. So I'm nto sure if them getting together is anticlimactic or maybe it's going to ruin the show, but for now, it was quite sweet and made me cry a little. While I thought it was nice when she kissed the big, nasty scar on his leg, I liked it even better that they took a bath together in Old Spice, Listerine and whatever else he had in his bathroom. I just love House!! But I need a new medical mystery next week - the love story will get old.

I DID catch a few performances on DWTS - and I have to say the only reason I was remotely interested was The Situation. Comments....Jennifer Gray never should have had a nose job. But, I kind of liked her. I loved the fat, black kid - why does black dance so much better than white? In keeping with that theme, they should NEVER let another white football player on the show - it is true - WHITE MEN CAN'T DANCE. Well, at least it's true of white football players. Palin was terrible, Cho actually wasn't bad but I have to agree with the judges that she needs to lose the joking. Hasselhoff sucked, Florence Henderson was weird (why do they always have to have a token "Old" on the show?) and Rick Fox is ridiculously tall but perpetuates the theory that black dances way better than white. But, of course, why am I even writing about the show?? THE SITUATION SUCKED!! And what I realized while watching him dance, even more than watching him on MTV, is that he is really fucking ugly. And it's really awkward to see him try to be cool in a Situation other than Jersey Shore (or Miami, for that matter).

I'm not sure if I can keep watching except I sort of love the train wreck of a Situation and I think the fans will vote for him. Will the fans vote for him? Is it time for Dexter yet???

THE SITUATION

Ok - so first of all, I had to train some people on "What is DNA" a few weeks ago - the chick from the "training department" asked me to come up with a game. So I adapted a tic-tac-toe game - we sell 3 different instruments, and I wanted the people to match up the instrument with different sales "situations" - each card had one of the instruments on one side and an X or an O on the other side. Then, I made a slide show with the different "situations" - I displayed the slide and they had to pick the instrument to match the displayed "situation". Needless to say, I, a National Sales Manager (that's right, I'm very important), decided to start off the slide show with a picture of THE "Situation" in a pair of his JAMS-like bathing trunks (I love that I just said bathing trunks), with his shirt off. The Europeans didn't really get it, but half of the Scientific Americans thought it was quite humorous!! I then took everyone out to dinner and proceeded to play a spirited game of "Who Would You Rather" with 2 of my employees and a few other women who are "below" me in the company. It was an OUTSTANDING display of appopriate management behavior, in my opinion. We have a rather large company so "Who Would You Rather" can be quite entertaining...

That being said, in the absence of The Bachelor, Bachelorette and travel, I haven't had much to say lately, but lucky for all of us, I saw a Jersey Shore marathon this weekend. I also just saw Snookie on Ellen - she told Ellen that she is actually very shy and (I quote), "I freakin'(or was it Friggin) like to go the Barnes and Noble and drink a freakin' cup of coffee and read!!!" Super!!

Here is my number one question which aggravated me to the fullest but also intrigued me and made me continue to watch the marathon all day Sunday. DO THEY REALIZE THE SHOW IS GOING TO BE ON TV???? Ronnie - Sammi is going to see you "MASHING" on other girls at the bar!! Sammi - (how the hell do you spell her name) - You should remind Ronnie that you will see whatever he did on TV in a few months!! Angelina - Jose is going to see that you smooshed Vinny after he treated you like his property! And my personal favorite ridiculosity - Snooki, JWOW - SAMMI IS EASILY GOING TO FIGURE OUT WHO WROTE THE NOTE!!! For crying out loud!!

The note, by the way, was absolutely ridiculous, but not as ridiculous as "The Smoosh Room". Or is it "Smush"? Did anyone see the scene when Ronnie woke up in the AM and traipsed around the house in his boxers, holding his hand over his dick to hide his morning hard-on? Yes, I know about such things... Did you also notice that the hard-on was NOT covered up for a brief few moments in the bedroom after he got out of Sammi's bed with a puzzled look on his face? I LOVE that Snooki says that Vinny has a HUGE "THING" - THING??? There are many words for that item - penis, cock, dick, package, schlong - is THING really the best you can do?

Unbelievable...I do love Jersey shore, but I am looking forward to a new season of EVERYTHING. Shana Tovah :)

I just signed into the blog in Spanish

No worries, matie, I will write the entry in English!! We have been to Germany, London and now Marbella, Spain. Yesterday, we went to the ROCK...of Gibraltar), which is, apparently, in Britian. Which means pounds, people saying things like "whilst", "sussed" and "righty-o"....(I haven't actually heard the last one, but I bet I will before our days are over!! The ROCK is HOT. It has been about 95 degrees every day without a cloud in the sky - this weather lasts until roughly 9 PM. Yesterday, we visited the ROCK, where they have monkeys without tails and beautiful views. My proudest moment was my ability to speak Spanish to a Native, who directed us to the parking place at McDonalds. My least proud moment was watching the monkey play with its penis while tourists watched but saw nothing except for a "cute" monkey surrounded by dirty bananas. I refuse to address the bananas.



Last night, we ended up in the hotel restaurant (because really, it is just SO much easier than trying to find a restuarant in these parts) and totally muscled our way in to the Flamenco show. We have eaten at this restaurant roughly 300 times since we have been here and usually just plop down at any old table. In fact, "our" table was reserved (for some reason), so we moved to one of the inner tables, closer to the dance floor. We only briefly considered why the bread and olives were already on the table before sitting our asses down at the table. We were appropriately shocked when the watiress (same one every night, whose name is something like "Dentist") asked us for our name. We offered to move when she told us these tables had been reserved for the Flamenco show and she said, "NONSENSE" (ok, she didn't actually say nonsense, but something like it in broken English) and just pulled up another table for the people who had appropriately reserved a table for the show. We were IN!! My observations - Flamenco dancing is very impressive and quite loud (I'm going to start using "quite" more often since I am part British now - speaking of which, I have been reading books by the pool and I realized yesterday that I have started reading in "British" - ie., I hear the voices of the people in the book in my head with a British accent! Ridiculous!). Anyway, other observations. Spanish men have hot bodies but ugly faces (well, Spanish men Flamenco dancers). The supermarkets in this part of Spain, also known as the Mercadona, REEK. We walked in, all exclaimed at how much it reeked, and then proceeded to buy groceries to EAT while we are here. YUK!!!

The weather here has been EXACTLY the same every day since we arrived 6 days ago - 95 degrees from roughly 9 AM until 9 PM without a cloud in the sky. Except here, they call it 35 degrees. People don't watch TV here - they can't! It's not possible! We have watched some interesting shows, I must admit - "Dine with Me" - where 5 or 6 people all go to each other's houses and eat a meal and then rate each other - I think someone wins money at the end. There is also some bizarre British version of "Double Dare" (remember that show?) without the slime. I got sucked in. My favorite show, so far, is "How the other Half Live" - this was a show about a filthy-rich family helping a filthy-poor family get back on their feet. Needless to say, I was BAWLING.

Tomorrow, we are headed to BarTHelona, where we are thinking about taking a bike tour of the city. I have no idea what to do there but from what I understand, there are lots of pickpockets and everyone LOVES BarTHelona. Spain is beautiful.

OH! The beach at this hotel in Marbella (just outside of MALaga) sucks. You can't swim in the ocean without losing a leg to a boulder. In other words, it's rocky! And the sand is 3000 degrees - so you can't even walk to the ocean, anyway!

Ok - signing off - maybe more info to come.....

Alex has GOT to go

Guess what, everyone!! I'm back in an airport!!! There could be some really good stuff - headed for Dusseldorf today/tomorrow - thre are some serious lookers in this airport and I mean that in the MOST sarcastic way. Of course, I am sitting here in a camouflage Yankee hat, purple sneakers, a hot pink shirt and a baby blue neck pillow wrapped around my neck. I also have a "patch" on my neck that is slightly visible and looks like a maxi-pad to the casual onlooker.

I love seeing the blatant differences between "non-Americans" and Americans in the airport. For example - there is a dude in the waiting area with a beret on. His girlfiend is wearing gray leggings that stop at mid-calf with a dress, a gray, button-down sweater (grandma-sweater) and, here's the kicker....white/silver hightops. Do you think they are American?

We also have discovered that Delta is now operating on "dress-down Friday" - all of the people we have seen today working the terminals (not just the Germans) are wearing jeans and a Delta t-shirt. We love it!! I also find it interesting that Europeans wear a LOT more cologne than we do - it doesn't cover up BO, people!! The bottom line...you can tell where people are from by the shoes and the shoes alone - and I love it!!

Ok - we are boarding and I have to go BUT...Alex has GOT to go - he stole the pea puree and did NOTHING during restaurant wars. I was appalled to see he had a Jewish star on...appalled. In addition, I am THRILLED that Holly won HK - and that kid has got to be the most adorable kid I have ever seen (with the exception of all kids of readers of this blog).

BYE!!!!

She picked Roberto!!!!

I know I have been absent for a while but how could I not write after the finale? How can I not give credit to Ali for agreeing with me? How can I not love the fact that she basically said she knew from the minute he got out of the limo that he was the one? Have I mentioned that Roberto is hot?

I have a couple of comments about "the situation" - no....not him, just the real definition of the situation this time! Jeez.... Anyway....why is Roberto so sweaty? Is it just because of the cameras (I don't think so) or he is just a sweaty guy? Why is Chris so flushed? Why is the rest of Ali's family, with the exception of her mother (and sister, actually) SO unattractive? Is there something wrong with her brother or did he just get the dad's unfortunate genes?

I have to say that I kind of started to like Chris a little bit, in a way. How could you not like Chris? If they make him the next bachelor, I won't be able to watch, I don't think. Actually, that is a big, fat lie - I can't resist any rendition of the Bachelor and will even be watching "Bachelor Pad" which I don't completely get but refuse to miss. Chris is such a nice guy and I appreciate the fact that he knows he signed up for this show and was taking the risk of being dumped and doesn't hate Ali for it. I also cried when the rainbow showed up. Of course, I am a bit of a cry baby but it was a touching moment! Why is Roberto so sweaty?

I can't believe Frank didn't show up to face Ali "after the final rose". I can't believe it's over and I have to wait for a new Bachelor to start. Frank is such a little wus!! I bet he broke up with "Nicole" and didn't want to own up. OR....he knew he was going to lose to Roberto and just didn't want to have his heart broken in the finale. Remember this guy couldn't breathe earlier in the show when he saw Ali with other guys?

Why is Roberto so sweaty?

Otherwise, I think the finale was slightly anti-climatic (climactic?) - but I love that she picked Roberto even though she had America convinced she was going to go with boring but nice Chris. I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also sort of enjoyed "True Beauty" which I mostly watched because Howard Stern's wife was in it (and Nick Lachey's girlfriend - ok, I had no idea who she was). I love that one of the dudes took the hanky and mopped his brow with it when it was meant for the crying chick who didn't get picked to stand up for anyone's wedding. Ok - that sounds confusing but it's a long story... I also love when Nick Lachey's girlfriend walked out to "reveal" that the show was actually "True Beauty" and not "The Face of Las Vegas" and the contestants looked at her like, "Who the hell are you?" She actually thought the act of HER walking into the elimination room was going to be a dead giveaway to the contestants that they were on True Beauty? Just to put my crying at Chris' rainbow in perspective, I think I cried when the dude won this show, too. Cry baby.

I haven't seen HK or Top Chef in a while and I haven't flown in a while but I promise to continue my flying stories - is there a book in there, somewhere? Bananas....unbelievable!!

Firesnatch is GONE

Ok - so I've been a little lax again but of course, I must discuss my favorite show. And I think I have to discuss Mel!! Seriously? Did he say, "I bend over backwards with my balls in a knot"? Does anyone else think he sounds EXACTLY like The Joker (aka Jack Nicholson)? And why is he so out of breath from yelling at his girlfriend? What is wrong with him???? If he ever makes another movie and anybody goes to watch it, I will be shocked and appalled. I may never go to the movies again. I may move out of America. Of course, I said I would stop watching AI if Kris Allen beat Adam Lambert and by the time the next season rolled around, I was on the edge of my seat, voting for Bowersox. Did Mel really say, "You should just smile and blow me"???

On a totally different note, I ran into my middle school English teacher today at a restaurant. This was how the conversation went:

ME: Hi!! (give her a hug while thinking WOW, you got old...)
ET: It's so good to see you! First seat, second row.
ME: You remember where I sat 20 years ago?
ET: Yes. I can't remember anything else, but I remember where all of my students sat.
ME: Wow.
ET: You were such a good writer...and so smart.
ME: Well, I am in the Science field now. But you should read my blog (just kidding)
ET: (face fallen) But....
ME: Don't worry - I am always very insistent that my colleagues send me emails with proper grammar.
ET: GOOD.
AWKWARD SILENCE
ME: Ok - good to see you! Nice bib!!! (Yep, she was wearing a lobster bib).
THE END...

I also need to discuss a plane incident before I forget - happened on my way back from Utah (Mormonville). So...I sit down on the plane next to a young guy and, to my dismay, he has a banana with him. I think banana eating is unacceptable plane etiquette, even for people who like bananas - I happen to be a person who really HATES bananas. I hate the texture, the smell, the sound people make when they chew them and I especially hate the post-banana-eating peel that remains. On a plane, what is a person to do with the banana peel? In this case, he threw it on the floor of the plane, under his seat. I was in shock but I thought maybe I was mistaken. Then, about 20 minutes into the flight (I had actually fallen asleep), he WOKE ME UP so he could go to the bathroom. Seriously, he couldn't make it more than 20 minutes? He got up and I looked down - to my horror, beside my purse (dangerously close to touching it), on the floor under his seat, was his banana peel. I was beside myself. I was going to pick it up but then what?? So the guy comes back from his first trip to the bathroom (yep, there were 2 more), and as he heads back to his seat, he looks down and sees his banana peel. I thought he was going to do something appropriate - WRONG - he leaned down, picked it up, and proceeded to throw it further under his seat. At least it was away from my purse. Are you kidding me???

We landed in Atlanta (from Salt Lake City) and I raced to get on my next plane. I head to my middle seat toward the back of the plane (no status on Delta), and I plop myself down next to a guy in a Hawaiin type shirt with a passport around his neck. It was HOT on the plane and we are being urged to board quickly so we can get the hell out of Atlanta and back to DC. So, I board quickly and find my seat, only to hear the announcement that they need to change a tire on the plane and we will be delayed for a bit. Really??? Change a tire? I'm sorry - don't planes operate with wings??? Yes, I know we need to roll to a takeoff and landing but really? So, we have to sit on the plane while they change the tire. It is at this point that I discover the man beside me absolutely REEKS. Like, enough that I spent the entire flight resting my head on the shoulder of the guy on the other side of me (who didn't reek). Of course, I peek at the dude's passport around his neck because no American is wearing a passport around his neck in Atlanta and I see the guy is from El Salvador. I know nothing about El Salvador - I don't even really know where it is (Central America?) - but I now hate all people from El Salvador and I think they all reek. Seriously - this was bullshit. I made it home...

Back to Ali - I stand by my assertion that she is not going to end up with any of these guys - I knew Firesnatch was gone but seriously - he brought her to the house with the dead animals hanging everywhere? Yeah - THAT was going to go over well. Of course Ty went home - there was no way in hell Ali was going to go meet the parents who were living in the 20s with the stay-at-home mom who cooks, cleans, irons, etc. for the dad. That is SO not Ali who (lucky for her) left Jake in order to go back to her cushy job at Facebook. But that's another thought for another day. Firesnatch was SO out.

Cape Cawd has got to be the most boring tv "star" EVER. He is the reason they let people like marblemouth and the Canadian cheater-dude on the show. He seems like a very nice guy but is it possible for him to be ANY more boring? She is SO not going with him - I can't understand why she is keeping him around - maybe they are supposed to keep one bore to make it interesting, like Jake with Tenley. And speaking of which (don't worry, I WILL address the Jake/Vienna interview), why do they keep giving away that Frank is going to break it to Ali that he has a girlfriend or something?? I really don't think he actually HAS a girlfriend, but who is the chick they showed ONCE and never again and what is the big "Ali, we have to talk in Tahiti" scene? Here's my guess - he was engaged, things "went bad", and that's why he moved home with mom and dad. And why the hell was Frank wearing a girly wifebeater under a hideous brown sweater-set on his hometown date? That was BIZARRE.

Roberto is still HOT and he was even HOTTER in his baseball uniform and Ali SHOULD pick him but they never pick the HOT one over the controversial one. I am thinking she is going to go with Frank and get screwed but ugh - Frank is so nasty - and Roberto is SO HOT.

Ok - what the hell is wrong with Jake??? And how come nobody noticed it until he was a total asshole to Vienna on that bizarre interview with Chris Harrison? I'm not a Vienna fan and I'm still not a Vienna fan and I was never a Jake fan but woah!!! I wonder what would have happened if he had picked Tenley!! I apparently was SO WRONG about Jake picking Vienna with his dick because apparently, he refused to kiss her or have sex with her after the first 2 weeks of their relationship. And he didn't dispute that fact!! Jake is SO gay, I was SO right about it and he has anger issues. Perhaps he should get together with Mel Gibson? Or maybe Ed, not that he is also free to follow his gay-ness? How amazing would it have been if Jake had said, "Vienna - your job was to just SHUT UP AND BLOW ME!!!!" And did anyone catch the little tidbit about the dog not being "potty-trained"? Jake - it's called house-broken. And yes, we DO want to hear about the dog pooping all over the LA apartment.

Jake is the worst. Vienna is the worst. Chris is a bore. Frank is trying WAY too hard and might also be gay. Roberto is HOT. And Firesnatch is gone...

All Butts Look Alike

The good thing about me getting stuck in an airport is that I can come up with some interesting blog entries. The bad thing - I'm stuck in the airport (in Cincy) and it SUCKS. The good thing - you get to find out what the heck I mean when I say, "All butts look alike". Is that true? I might have to qualify that. Most butts look alike. Most girl butts look like most other girl butts and most boy butts look like most other boy butts (yes, some are hairier than others, and some are flat and some are fat). What I mean is....when a person bends over to pick up her luggage, and her pants are falling down (and I definitely feel like I am an offender of this), her butt crack looks just like mine! Even if she is a BIG girl. So...what I really mean to say is - All Butt CRACKS look alike. Whew - I'm glad we got that straight!!

Anyway, thank GOD Scott is gone!! I feel like I express the feelings of myself, fans, other contestants and GoRam when I say, "Gone at last! Gone at last! Thank God almighty - Scott is gone at last!!" Did I just inappropriately quote MLK JR? I think I also speak for all of the above when I say that this class of HK chefs SUCK. Seriously, all of the women suck - the fact that Milka (it has come to my attention that her name is Nilka but I refuse to call her anything but Milka for the rest of time) is the best "chef" on the women's team is ridiculous. And really?

OH MY GOD I NEED TO INTERRUPT THIS BLOG ENTRY TO ADDRESS THE FACT THAT THERE IS A BLACK MARBLEMOUTH SITTING BESIDE ME. I've been listening to him talk and couldn't figure out why the voice sounded so familiar - and then, I closed my eyes and listened hard (no just kidding, I just focused a little), and I realized that I felt like I was sitting in a booth next to Kay-See. Should I ask him what he has in his mouth? At least in this case, it could be food... He's actually kind of cute - anyway....back to our regularly scheduled blog entry!

Ok - is it possible that Ben could be the best chef in HK? Is it possible that GoRam is going to give his restaurant to a guy who looks like that? A guy who has teeth that look like that? I mean, it was one thing with the guy who won the last season whose teeth were promptly whitened before he could appear on the morning talk shows, but this guy has an overlap situation. And he is a farmer! Am I an anti-farmerite? Am I going to have to root for the blue-haired dude, "Blue-Jay" - (seriously, is that the best you could do for a nickname)? Why do they all suck this year?

Ok - done for now but I still have (another) 2 hours before my damn flight takes off. This BLOWS.

How badly do you have to "go"?

Ok - so...you are in a Starbucks (which means people are drinking coffee, in the AM, which can definitely have laxative-like qualities... You decide you have to go to the bathroom and head over, only to realize there is a line. So you wait....and wait.....and wait. At this point, you are thinking if it's a woman, she could be powdering her nose (what the hell is THAT, by the way). There are so many excuses for a long visit to the bathroom by a woman - period, stain on the shirt, fixing the hair or makeup, popped a button in the boob area (no, that's never happened to me!) - and a few more. But, after a few minutes of waiting, a dude walks out of the bathroom...a BIG dude. And he's wearing a Starbucks apron and he is all tucked in appropriately. First question - do you go to the bathroom afterward or do you decide you can hold it? Second question - do you still drink your coffee? Just wondering...

My next little piece of commentary has to do with my "almost-flight" yesterday. So, I get on the plane - and might I add that I am getting a little pissed off about the lack of clout my "status" on United holds. Yesterday, I didn't have a seat assignment! Are you kidding me? I have STATUS!!! The only reason I haven't completely abandoned United is that they have started the automatic upgrades - seriously...ONLY reason. Anyway, they started boarding and my choices were to A - wait in the 9 hour line to get a seat (which had been assigned but not doled out yet - if me and my status didn't have a seat, can you imagine how many others didn't have one??) or B - board the plane with my "seat holder card" and piss off the boarding lady because she actually had to type before I got on the plane. Guess what I chose - yep! B - I innocently walked up to her, handed her my little NON-boarding pass and said, "I don't have a seat assignment - do I need to go over there?" She gave me a dirty look, said, "You SHOULD go over there" and then promptly processed my non-boarding pass and turned it into a seat assignment. Whew! It's not so much that I minded waiting in line but surely there would have been no overhead space left and I would have been PISSED if I had to check a bag.

Anyway, I got on the plane - it was a huge plane with 3 rows of seats - I was in the middle section, on the aisle, in the first row behind first class (status good for something!) - next to me were a brother sister combo, teenagers, and in the seats to my left were their parents. They seemed nice enough except the brother/sister were fighting about whether or not he should put his backpack up in the overhead. I was ok with this - I got to sit in a good seat next to young, non-smelly, regular-sized kids, right? And that was great until....brother decided to take his shoes off. And he had no socks on! (Is that worse? I think it's worse...) Sister's shoes were off too, but I wasn't as offended as I was by brother - really - his feet did stink. Airplane etiquette!!! Instead of the long, drawn out bs about security measures when you check in online, they should say something like, "Please make sure you shower and wear deoderant before boarding the plane. Please do not bring FISH on board. Even though nobody can hear you fart on a plane, don't do it! The space is enclosed and it is just mean to the people sitting beside you. OH - and if you decide to talk with the person beside you, do something about your breath - they didn't sign up for that just because they had to fly somewhere!!" Oh - I could go on, but that's ok for now, no?

Ok - one last thing...TOP CHEF. I haven't seen Hell's yet this week - but I am SO glad that the Howard Stern lookalike is gone. Seriously? You decided to cook dessert in your first Top Chef challenge, you look DISGUSTING and your teeth are yellow and I can't even discuss that hair, and you BUY puff pastry in the store?? Yep - it's worse than grainy chicken livers - I mean, really, chicken livers are nasty even if they are creamy - are they supposed to be creamy?? YUK. It seems like this season's cast is NOT attractive, in general, no? And why did they have to pick such a fat lesbian? She is both fat AND too fat to be that fat, right? But I'm still rooting for her - what can I say...she's family. I'm not sure if I can root for the flaming Nashville guy but again, family is family.

Hmmmmm

It's good to see that my fans are back - maybe I should stop blogging since I will NEVER top the last entry!!

But alas (is that proper grammar, to use but and alas in the same sentence??) - how can I not blog after yet another riveting episode of The B-ette? I must say...I really gained a lot of respect for Ali....how could anyone possibly keep a straight face when being shown that tattoo? My comment would have been, "OH MY GOD - I CAN'T KEEP YOU AROUND TO FIND OUT WHAT'S IN YOUR MOUTH BECAUSE THE TATTOO IS TOO MUCH!!!" I also love the fact that she virtually admitted that she is "afraid to fall in love (she left out the 'with Roberto' part) because she is afraid he won't love her back. Ok, Ali - Cape Cod is SO boring, but he would love you back. He should really get together with Tenley. Frank will love you back but he is a bit of a psycho with a strange body - he sort of looks "squished". The lawyer will love you back because he is WAY too ugly for you, but I do get why you are keeping him around because he is kind of a funny guy. I appreciate the fake tattoo and he is somewhat humorous, but he is just not in the league of the rest of the guys in terms of looks. And did you see the body when he was in the steamy pool thing? It wasn't BAAAAD, but it certainly wasn't good! That Kirk dude might not love you back but he is red and potentially freckled - are you ok with that? Is his name Kirk? Let's be honest here - and you even said it during the episode - you would NEVER go after Roberto in real life because he is too hot for you! I love that - although, Ali, you did look pretty damn good in your little bikini in Iceland - good work!

Seeing Kay-See show her his tattoo after she said, "All he has to do is be normal (and tell me what the hell is in his mouth)" might have been one of the best moments in B-ette history. I think maybe he couldn't cry because of that suit he was in, and I will also say that I have BEEN in one of those suits in the Ice Hotel in Sweden and it is ridiculous. LOVE it.

SO....Jake and Vienna broke up. Awwwwww. What do you think happened? Which one cheated on the other? Jake is screwed now, because Ali is busy with these other gents - here's my theory...Jake dumped her because he wants another go at the Bachelor. He is done with DWTS and has nothing left to make him famous - so he broke up with her to get another shot. Will they give it to him? NO. Maybe? He was the most controversial Bachelor ever (or something like that) - so maybe. We will see....

One quick note on HK - what is up with Go-Ram bringing his family onto the scene so much this season? Rumor has it that he cheated on his wife (with Tenille), and now is making it up to her by keeping her at his side as much as possible - I mean, really - playing soccer with his family against the chicks? I think they keep Autumn around because she is a Tanji (aka gorgeous black chick) and even though Milka is a better chef, she is hideous! And the old one with the bags under her eyes who burned her hand to a crisp is somewhat pathetic but I think I might be starting to love her a little. She "burned and rallied" - that's a good thing, no? Oh - and just kidding about Tenille.

And what is wrong with the one with the little teeth? I can't remember her name but does she have a hairlip? Something is so OFF in her face - what is up with that? And one more thing - what are the odds on "Big Uns" making a 3rd appearance on HK?

I'm not ready to comment on The REAL L-Word yet but I'm sure it is coming...are the lesbians in LA really that good-looking?

Have I mentioned that I love the B-ette?

WAIT - I forgot to mention Chris N - it appears that Ali finally figured out who he is - and it wasn't pretty! We knew he was ugly and clearly didn't have much personality since he doesn't talk much but seriously? I mean it couldn't have been the editing that made this guy SO DULL. She should have sent him home and kept tattoo around for a little longer, just for entertainment value. OY.

Why Can't The Bacehlorette Be Honest?

Ok - first of all, I have yet to discuss Top Chef Masters... I CANNOT BELIEVE MARCUS SAMUELSSON WON!! He is the worst. And the logic was ridiculous - he cooked African food because he is trying to be "true to his heritage", so even though it was disgusting, we are going to give him the victory? Of course, SUSUR totally fucked it up with that ridiculous tuna SLASH giant egg-looking thing with toothpicks sticking out of it. Were those toothpicks? Were the toothpicks edible? I just think it is bullshit that Marcus squeaked through the entire competition and then won because he made one good thing and one "true to his heritage" (which, by the way, is Swedish and not African) dish and if he were really Swedish, his name would be MAGNUS and he would be a hot blonde and not an ugly little black dude with a bizarre accent, ugly pants and nasty food!!!

Ok - on to the B-ette. That dude Kasey (who totally spells his name wrong, it should be KAY-SEE) is a freak. And why does he sound like he has a thousand marbles in his mouth? Or cotton? What is that affliction, when people talk like they are incapable of opening their mouths? I think it is worse than "constantly open mouth syndrome" (a la Zach from Little People Big world or Ed from the last bachelorette or Mask, from Mask). He is awful and it is ridiclous that Ali can't see that. I was really glad she got rid of Weatherman until I saw the clip of Weatherman pretending to be a wrestler against the Wrestler and I sort of started to love him. But, Weatherman looks like a rat.

If I were Ali, I would have the following rose ceremony: "Thank you all for staying around. I am clearly going to pick Roberto because he is HOT and kind of sweet. The only reason I am keeping anybody else around is because I can't believe a guy this hot could possibly be into me - I need to confirm he is mine so I don't embarass myself on National TV. He isn't even "too hot to be that hot" like Jake...he is just indisputably hot. As for the rest of you - Weatherman, you are going home because you are short and look like a rat. Drew, you are cute and I like the whole family thing and I feel bad about your mother and I am SIKED that you don't pahk the cah even though you live in Cape Cod, but you just say LIKE way too much! And there is something about you that is extraordinarily awkward. Wrestler - I am keeping you around because the producers say you spice up the show but I can't possibly be with a dude who has 'wet' hair all of the time. Frank - you are Reid from last season - boring and kind of cute and bookwormish with the glasses, but in the end, you will be too boring for me (altough I am sort of boring so you might be perfect for me yet). And you just aren't Roberto - the only thing wrong with Roberto is that his name is Roberto and I can live with that. Kay-See - I am only keeping you around to figure out what the hell is in your mouth...PERIOD. I kind of think you might be gay but it doesn't matter because I am SO not into you. The rest of you - you all sort of look alike. OH - and Chris N (I think?) - where the hell did you come from? I have never seen you before in my life! I guess I should keep you around so I can figure out who the hell you are..."

NOW THAT WOULD BE AN AWESOME EPISODE!!!!

Hell is back!!

I have so much to talk about and so little time... First of all, I flew out ot San Francisco today for a damn work thing. I HATE people who assemble for a conference type thing excessively early! The thing starts at 9 - she wants us there at 730 - really? Is that necessary??

So today, I get on the plane and trudge back to my aisle seat (NOT in Economy Plus, which is inappropriate for someone of my "status" but whatever). A lovely young lady sits in the window. As the remainder of the plane fills up, of course I hope that nobody sits in the middle seat, but I know it's pretty unrealistic so I just hope that someone of reasonable size sits there. I wasn't too pleased when a lady with a little boy (a cute one, I might add) of about 3 (too old for "lap seat" but too young to argue about it) pauses outside of my row. I am not judging here, but she also had a "covered head" - sometimes those people smell. Hell - it's my blog, I can be politically incorrect! This might be worse than a fat person! But...it gets worse. She beckons to the middle seat in the row in front of us and explains that she and her little son have been separated and then looks pleadingly at all of us, as if one of us is supposed to squish into a middle seat (especially those of us with "status"), when we are comfortably plopped in our aisle seats. When nobody offers up their seat she says, "It's ok, he can just sit in my lap" and then proceeds to carry him into the middle seat on her lap. There IS something worse than a fat person or a smelly person! It's a person with a 3-year-old in her lap... After a few minutes of this ridiculous seating arrangement (me in aisle, lovely girl in window, middle eastern chick with 3-year-old so son in her lap), which included me pleading with a flight attendant (aka stewardess) that she should find this lady a seat with her son, 3 of us got up and offered to move. Luckily, 2 of the 3 were women and we both felt quite comfortable accepting the generous offer of the guy in front of me to sit beside me - a well-dressed, youngish, handsome man whose shoulder I wouldn't have minded falling asleep on... I did offer to switch halfway with him but let's be real, that wasn't happening!! So yes, it all worked out in the end but seriously, shouldn't the airlines do something about separating a mother from a very young child? Ridiculous...

Speaking of falling asleep on people's shoulders, did anyone see Valentine's Day? It's a ridiculous movie, but we were bored on Memorial Day Weekend, and there were a lot of stars in it, and it seemed brainless. Kutcher sort of reminded me of Jason Bateman in that movie. The guy from 9 by Design also is an UGLY Jason Bateman. Am I spelling Bateman right? You know, the brother of the chick from Family Ties...MALORIEEEEEEE? Anyway, the movie was ridiculous but by far the best part was in the last 2 seconds when it was revealed that Bradley Cooper and Dr. Sloan were a couple. What a couple!! SO....HOT....

I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about HK - the stunt with GoRam and his wife at the beginning was bizarre, I am REALLY sick of Wellington (beef, lamb, whatever - it all looks nasty) and is it me or is the chick who considers herself to be a hot Hell's contestant NOT hot at all??

As far as Top Chef Masters goes - I am pissed that the little lesbian is gone for her coconut jam, and I don't know who to root for - I know I am AGAINST Marcus Samuelsson who, besides not being Swedish, has nasty looking food. And I was kind of into the old dude, Jonathan something-or-other, but he is always at the bottom and the "simple but delicious" food is getting old. I guess I am rooting for the Asian dude whose name I can't remember. Waxman! Why is Waxman hanging on by a thread? I think the Asian dude is going to win, anyway, so why bother having the competition?

"Locke" is hot...

As a kid. Did they ever tell us his name? Is it acceptable that they were all dead? Am I too stupid to understand the whole thing - did they all die on the plane crash? Or did they all die some other way? Did they know each other only from the plane crash or did they know each other before the plane crash (prior to)? Was the whole thing a dream? Was it a Heaven vs Hell thing?

Is it inappropriate to think that the dark-haired twin is hot? Jacob was cute, but the dark-haired kid, "Little Locke?" was hot. But look what happened when they got older!! Jacob just started looking like, I don't know, Jacob and Locke-thing just got ugly. Maybe he looked like Seinfeld? Whatever it was, it wasn't hot. But...it was hot as a kid!

I am so glad that Sawyer ended up with Juliette and not Kate - is it me, or did Kate end up looking scabby at the end, just like her boyfriend Jack? Apparently, death made them scabby...

As far as my real favorite show, Bowersox totally should have won, deserved to win and is 1000x better than LEE, but I don't really care. The song with Joe COCKer was ridiculous, but also pointed out how much better Bowersox is than Lee. AND how good that song by COCKer is, and how old he has gotten. And how yellow her teeth are, but still less yellow than COCKer's teeth. Lee seems like a nice kid - he managed to survive being named Lee, has good teeth (important) and had an appropriate reaction. It was an upset, but nothing like the dude whose name I can't remember - Kris Allen is it? - beat Adam Lambert. It was interesting to see them all dressed in white singing - the first one shoot what's her name gained all of Ruben's weight - Kelly Clarkson - poor girl. Fantasia - WUH - who voted for her?? Ruben should have lost to Clay. That gray-haired dude should have lost to anyone, like Sanjaya even. Clarkson was a legit winner and so was Jordin Sparks and definitely Underwood was a good one but the rest...not so much. I would love to see a Bowersox/Lambert duet.

I LOVE THAT YOU LOVE HOUSE

We must have addressed it at some point!! I love it - and I love that he finally got together with the chick who has a big nose but who I find oddly attractive. I love that he loves Vicodin. I love that he knows EVERYTHING. I love that he knows the little Jewish guy is going to cheat on his wife before he does. Is Wilson really from "And the band played on" or was it "In the Gloaming"? Wasn't In The Gloaming THE WORST?? I loved the finale - and I love that the chick who was trapped underground loved House and would rather have his obnoxious wit with her when she died than anyone else. I have the same theory with surgeons - if the bedside manner sucks, he/she is probably a good surgeon! You have to take the good with the bad...

Thank God Sandra won. I was so anti-POVERTY although, in the season of the dumbest moves EVER, her move to give one idol to Jerri and one to Sandra was absolutely brilliant. And how is it possible for Jeff Probst's dimples to become MORE pronounced every year? Does he get dimple implants or something? Or, would those be explants?

GO BOWERSOX!!!!! I am not as enthralled with her as I was a few weeks ago and I think that Lee deserves to be in the final, but I have issues with a guy named Lee. Or a girl named Lee, for that matter. I have NOT seen Lost in weeks but I plan to catch up soon. So don't tell me.

Did anybody see Grey's Anatomy?? OMG (I hate when people use OMG - I much prefer WTF) - but seriously - that episode was shocking. I'm glad that short-haired Mercy West chick is dead and I'm glad the big ugly dude is dead. I wish "I love Derek" was dead and I kind of wish Alex was dead. Do you realize that Lexi is probably named Alexis, making that couple Alex and Alexis? Let's be real - who would ever pick Alex over HOT Sloan? I am even shocked that the lesbian picked the hot blonde, Arizona, over Sloan, even though she prefers chicks. I am also quite glad they didn't kill off the hot black dude with green eyes, or half black. He is hot - is he hotter than Sloan? Hmmmmmm.....

At Least Sandra Has Half a Brain...

First of all, do you think Survivor intentionally edited when Sandra said, "My mother died exactly a year and a week ago" to sound like, "My mother died exactly a week ago"? We had to rewind it a few times to confirm that she wasn't in Survivorland when her mother died. That being said, I have a few other things to say. COLBY SUCKS. I can't believe he has made it this far. Lovable Rupert is possibly the most unlovable thing I have ever seen. I am actually rooting for POVERTY over him (I refuse to spell her name any other way). Although he is out now, so I don't have to root for him OR POVERTY OR Danielle with the moustache.

Thank God for Sandra - I had visions of her keeping the hidden immunity idol in her bra (somebody actually wears a bra on this show!!) while the villains and Rupert and "I suck" Colby voted her off, even though it was the last opportunity to use it. JT and that blonde dude would have kept it under the guise of "having a real souvenir from Survivor" while getting voted off. I am now firmly rooting for Sandra. She is annoying, dramatic, and somewhat awful, but at least she knows what she is doing! A small part of me is rooting for Jerri, but I am having a hard time dealing with her mouth - I'm not sure if it's small teeth or what, but something is not quite right there.

Does anybody watch House? I think it is the greatest show ever. Even though the guy from Dead Poets and "And the Band Played On..." is in it.

I haven't seen Lost for a few weeks so I have nothing to say. As far as AI goes, if the blonde dude makes it to the final, I might just die. He is THE WORST. And I do not find him even remotely attractive. He probably has a hairy back and a small penis.

I'm rooting for Ashley in BL - she isn't running around whining about how she is still fat (like Mike) even though her stomach still hangs down to her ankles. Sunshine turned out to be gorgeous. And I'm not sure how I feel about Sam and that chick dating...I'm happy for Sam, but she was not my favorite. Mike would be dating Ashley or Sunshine at this point of the show....if he wasn't gay.

Alright....I'm back!