Why Can't The Bacehlorette Be Honest?

Ok - first of all, I have yet to discuss Top Chef Masters... I CANNOT BELIEVE MARCUS SAMUELSSON WON!! He is the worst. And the logic was ridiculous - he cooked African food because he is trying to be "true to his heritage", so even though it was disgusting, we are going to give him the victory? Of course, SUSUR totally fucked it up with that ridiculous tuna SLASH giant egg-looking thing with toothpicks sticking out of it. Were those toothpicks? Were the toothpicks edible? I just think it is bullshit that Marcus squeaked through the entire competition and then won because he made one good thing and one "true to his heritage" (which, by the way, is Swedish and not African) dish and if he were really Swedish, his name would be MAGNUS and he would be a hot blonde and not an ugly little black dude with a bizarre accent, ugly pants and nasty food!!!

Ok - on to the B-ette. That dude Kasey (who totally spells his name wrong, it should be KAY-SEE) is a freak. And why does he sound like he has a thousand marbles in his mouth? Or cotton? What is that affliction, when people talk like they are incapable of opening their mouths? I think it is worse than "constantly open mouth syndrome" (a la Zach from Little People Big world or Ed from the last bachelorette or Mask, from Mask). He is awful and it is ridiclous that Ali can't see that. I was really glad she got rid of Weatherman until I saw the clip of Weatherman pretending to be a wrestler against the Wrestler and I sort of started to love him. But, Weatherman looks like a rat.

If I were Ali, I would have the following rose ceremony: "Thank you all for staying around. I am clearly going to pick Roberto because he is HOT and kind of sweet. The only reason I am keeping anybody else around is because I can't believe a guy this hot could possibly be into me - I need to confirm he is mine so I don't embarass myself on National TV. He isn't even "too hot to be that hot" like Jake...he is just indisputably hot. As for the rest of you - Weatherman, you are going home because you are short and look like a rat. Drew, you are cute and I like the whole family thing and I feel bad about your mother and I am SIKED that you don't pahk the cah even though you live in Cape Cod, but you just say LIKE way too much! And there is something about you that is extraordinarily awkward. Wrestler - I am keeping you around because the producers say you spice up the show but I can't possibly be with a dude who has 'wet' hair all of the time. Frank - you are Reid from last season - boring and kind of cute and bookwormish with the glasses, but in the end, you will be too boring for me (altough I am sort of boring so you might be perfect for me yet). And you just aren't Roberto - the only thing wrong with Roberto is that his name is Roberto and I can live with that. Kay-See - I am only keeping you around to figure out what the hell is in your mouth...PERIOD. I kind of think you might be gay but it doesn't matter because I am SO not into you. The rest of you - you all sort of look alike. OH - and Chris N (I think?) - where the hell did you come from? I have never seen you before in my life! I guess I should keep you around so I can figure out who the hell you are..."

NOW THAT WOULD BE AN AWESOME EPISODE!!!!

Hell is back!!

I have so much to talk about and so little time... First of all, I flew out ot San Francisco today for a damn work thing. I HATE people who assemble for a conference type thing excessively early! The thing starts at 9 - she wants us there at 730 - really? Is that necessary??

So today, I get on the plane and trudge back to my aisle seat (NOT in Economy Plus, which is inappropriate for someone of my "status" but whatever). A lovely young lady sits in the window. As the remainder of the plane fills up, of course I hope that nobody sits in the middle seat, but I know it's pretty unrealistic so I just hope that someone of reasonable size sits there. I wasn't too pleased when a lady with a little boy (a cute one, I might add) of about 3 (too old for "lap seat" but too young to argue about it) pauses outside of my row. I am not judging here, but she also had a "covered head" - sometimes those people smell. Hell - it's my blog, I can be politically incorrect! This might be worse than a fat person! But...it gets worse. She beckons to the middle seat in the row in front of us and explains that she and her little son have been separated and then looks pleadingly at all of us, as if one of us is supposed to squish into a middle seat (especially those of us with "status"), when we are comfortably plopped in our aisle seats. When nobody offers up their seat she says, "It's ok, he can just sit in my lap" and then proceeds to carry him into the middle seat on her lap. There IS something worse than a fat person or a smelly person! It's a person with a 3-year-old in her lap... After a few minutes of this ridiculous seating arrangement (me in aisle, lovely girl in window, middle eastern chick with 3-year-old so son in her lap), which included me pleading with a flight attendant (aka stewardess) that she should find this lady a seat with her son, 3 of us got up and offered to move. Luckily, 2 of the 3 were women and we both felt quite comfortable accepting the generous offer of the guy in front of me to sit beside me - a well-dressed, youngish, handsome man whose shoulder I wouldn't have minded falling asleep on... I did offer to switch halfway with him but let's be real, that wasn't happening!! So yes, it all worked out in the end but seriously, shouldn't the airlines do something about separating a mother from a very young child? Ridiculous...

Speaking of falling asleep on people's shoulders, did anyone see Valentine's Day? It's a ridiculous movie, but we were bored on Memorial Day Weekend, and there were a lot of stars in it, and it seemed brainless. Kutcher sort of reminded me of Jason Bateman in that movie. The guy from 9 by Design also is an UGLY Jason Bateman. Am I spelling Bateman right? You know, the brother of the chick from Family Ties...MALORIEEEEEEE? Anyway, the movie was ridiculous but by far the best part was in the last 2 seconds when it was revealed that Bradley Cooper and Dr. Sloan were a couple. What a couple!! SO....HOT....

I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about HK - the stunt with GoRam and his wife at the beginning was bizarre, I am REALLY sick of Wellington (beef, lamb, whatever - it all looks nasty) and is it me or is the chick who considers herself to be a hot Hell's contestant NOT hot at all??

As far as Top Chef Masters goes - I am pissed that the little lesbian is gone for her coconut jam, and I don't know who to root for - I know I am AGAINST Marcus Samuelsson who, besides not being Swedish, has nasty looking food. And I was kind of into the old dude, Jonathan something-or-other, but he is always at the bottom and the "simple but delicious" food is getting old. I guess I am rooting for the Asian dude whose name I can't remember. Waxman! Why is Waxman hanging on by a thread? I think the Asian dude is going to win, anyway, so why bother having the competition?

"Locke" is hot...

As a kid. Did they ever tell us his name? Is it acceptable that they were all dead? Am I too stupid to understand the whole thing - did they all die on the plane crash? Or did they all die some other way? Did they know each other only from the plane crash or did they know each other before the plane crash (prior to)? Was the whole thing a dream? Was it a Heaven vs Hell thing?

Is it inappropriate to think that the dark-haired twin is hot? Jacob was cute, but the dark-haired kid, "Little Locke?" was hot. But look what happened when they got older!! Jacob just started looking like, I don't know, Jacob and Locke-thing just got ugly. Maybe he looked like Seinfeld? Whatever it was, it wasn't hot. But...it was hot as a kid!

I am so glad that Sawyer ended up with Juliette and not Kate - is it me, or did Kate end up looking scabby at the end, just like her boyfriend Jack? Apparently, death made them scabby...

As far as my real favorite show, Bowersox totally should have won, deserved to win and is 1000x better than LEE, but I don't really care. The song with Joe COCKer was ridiculous, but also pointed out how much better Bowersox is than Lee. AND how good that song by COCKer is, and how old he has gotten. And how yellow her teeth are, but still less yellow than COCKer's teeth. Lee seems like a nice kid - he managed to survive being named Lee, has good teeth (important) and had an appropriate reaction. It was an upset, but nothing like the dude whose name I can't remember - Kris Allen is it? - beat Adam Lambert. It was interesting to see them all dressed in white singing - the first one shoot what's her name gained all of Ruben's weight - Kelly Clarkson - poor girl. Fantasia - WUH - who voted for her?? Ruben should have lost to Clay. That gray-haired dude should have lost to anyone, like Sanjaya even. Clarkson was a legit winner and so was Jordin Sparks and definitely Underwood was a good one but the rest...not so much. I would love to see a Bowersox/Lambert duet.

I LOVE THAT YOU LOVE HOUSE

We must have addressed it at some point!! I love it - and I love that he finally got together with the chick who has a big nose but who I find oddly attractive. I love that he loves Vicodin. I love that he knows EVERYTHING. I love that he knows the little Jewish guy is going to cheat on his wife before he does. Is Wilson really from "And the band played on" or was it "In the Gloaming"? Wasn't In The Gloaming THE WORST?? I loved the finale - and I love that the chick who was trapped underground loved House and would rather have his obnoxious wit with her when she died than anyone else. I have the same theory with surgeons - if the bedside manner sucks, he/she is probably a good surgeon! You have to take the good with the bad...

Thank God Sandra won. I was so anti-POVERTY although, in the season of the dumbest moves EVER, her move to give one idol to Jerri and one to Sandra was absolutely brilliant. And how is it possible for Jeff Probst's dimples to become MORE pronounced every year? Does he get dimple implants or something? Or, would those be explants?

GO BOWERSOX!!!!! I am not as enthralled with her as I was a few weeks ago and I think that Lee deserves to be in the final, but I have issues with a guy named Lee. Or a girl named Lee, for that matter. I have NOT seen Lost in weeks but I plan to catch up soon. So don't tell me.

Did anybody see Grey's Anatomy?? OMG (I hate when people use OMG - I much prefer WTF) - but seriously - that episode was shocking. I'm glad that short-haired Mercy West chick is dead and I'm glad the big ugly dude is dead. I wish "I love Derek" was dead and I kind of wish Alex was dead. Do you realize that Lexi is probably named Alexis, making that couple Alex and Alexis? Let's be real - who would ever pick Alex over HOT Sloan? I am even shocked that the lesbian picked the hot blonde, Arizona, over Sloan, even though she prefers chicks. I am also quite glad they didn't kill off the hot black dude with green eyes, or half black. He is hot - is he hotter than Sloan? Hmmmmmm.....

At Least Sandra Has Half a Brain...

First of all, do you think Survivor intentionally edited when Sandra said, "My mother died exactly a year and a week ago" to sound like, "My mother died exactly a week ago"? We had to rewind it a few times to confirm that she wasn't in Survivorland when her mother died. That being said, I have a few other things to say. COLBY SUCKS. I can't believe he has made it this far. Lovable Rupert is possibly the most unlovable thing I have ever seen. I am actually rooting for POVERTY over him (I refuse to spell her name any other way). Although he is out now, so I don't have to root for him OR POVERTY OR Danielle with the moustache.

Thank God for Sandra - I had visions of her keeping the hidden immunity idol in her bra (somebody actually wears a bra on this show!!) while the villains and Rupert and "I suck" Colby voted her off, even though it was the last opportunity to use it. JT and that blonde dude would have kept it under the guise of "having a real souvenir from Survivor" while getting voted off. I am now firmly rooting for Sandra. She is annoying, dramatic, and somewhat awful, but at least she knows what she is doing! A small part of me is rooting for Jerri, but I am having a hard time dealing with her mouth - I'm not sure if it's small teeth or what, but something is not quite right there.

Does anybody watch House? I think it is the greatest show ever. Even though the guy from Dead Poets and "And the Band Played On..." is in it.

I haven't seen Lost for a few weeks so I have nothing to say. As far as AI goes, if the blonde dude makes it to the final, I might just die. He is THE WORST. And I do not find him even remotely attractive. He probably has a hairy back and a small penis.

I'm rooting for Ashley in BL - she isn't running around whining about how she is still fat (like Mike) even though her stomach still hangs down to her ankles. Sunshine turned out to be gorgeous. And I'm not sure how I feel about Sam and that chick dating...I'm happy for Sam, but she was not my favorite. Mike would be dating Ashley or Sunshine at this point of the show....if he wasn't gay.

Alright....I'm back!

Has Hurley become hot??

I just looked up the spelling of his name because I can never remember if it has an "E" or not. It does, apparently. So, has his newfound confidence made him hot? Do you find yourself trying to look at him more closely to see what Libby sees in him? IS he hot and we are missing it? Does he say the word "dude", hotly, or was it his awesome Spanish when he was talking to Richard's dead wife that turned us on?

Jack is so scabby!!! Jon (without Kate plus 8) is getting more attractive as they focus more and more on Hurley, John Locke and Scabby. I think I cried a little during the reunion of Jin and Sun. Is that ridiculous? Is Kate looking a little scabby and are her teeth looking a little yellow?

Are they trying to make John Locke look hot and powerful? He is NOT hot!! I would definitely fuck Hurley over Locke, but everyone over Ben, except maybe Sayid. And, I think I might be Jin over Sawyer, although Sawyer's description of "the pilot" was pretty funny - why does he look like he stepped off the Love Boat? Does anyone remember that show? Were you Gopher or Isaac? I was SO Ace - I'm pretty sure I had a picture of him on my wall when I was growing up.

Why did Desmond run over poor, wheelchair-bound John Locke? I am totally sucked in - I have to admit it.

I will discuss Survivor but only because the moves just keep getting dumber!! I mean, seriously, I didn't think anybody could out-dumb Tyson, but giving Russell the hidden immunity idol? REALLY??? And I don't quite understand why Jeri wouldn't flip over to the skinny/mastermind alliance but it must have something to with the impending merger I don't quite get. Are these people really this dumb???

I love Bowersox. I heard some fantastic Howard Stern commentary on Bowersox - she really does need to do something about the teeth and I'm not sure why she is attempting to "dress diva" instead of just being the crunchy artist she is, but I love her anyway. I am SO glad awful WB dude is gone and I hope Casey goes next!

RAWB IS GAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welp - I've been on vacation but that did not prevent me from watching Lost, AI results show or Surviv-UH.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY VOTED OFF RAWB!!! I might have to start boycotting the show at this point because of the stupidity - first of Tyson and then of everybody else! I didn't see anything but the end, so I have no idea what the excuse was for voting off Rawb, but I am starting to believe that Russell is the genius (albeit missing a tooth) player everyone thinks he is. I blame Tyson for every inch of this travesty - what an idiot!! Rawb had it all figured out - it could be Russell and Poverty (I refuse to spell it any other way) off the team right now. And Coach!! What a wus - OH RAWB, I DIDN'T VOTE YOU OFF, I voted for COURTNEY - how passive-aggressive can you get?! By voting for Courtney, you voted for RAWB. If the merge doesn't come soon, the villains are SCREWED without RAWB - the show is screwed without Rawb - SHOCKING! By the way, I love the fact that the Surviv-uh powers-that-be controlled this game by forcing the Villains to vote someone off, even though they technically have never lost an elimination challenge. Because of that maneuvar, Tyson was forced to be an idiot and then the rest of the tribe followed suit with the voteoff of Rawb. And even more ridiculous - Jeri's comment, "I'm just not a villain...I just don't know how to be a villian". RIDICULOUS. I vaguely remember when Jeri was on Survivor and I don't remember much, but I know she was a villain!!

Jin is hot. Sun is not. And I think Hurley should be able to speak Korean. Jack is scabby. And Sanjay, I mean Sayid is greasy. Who is the best looking person not named Sawyer on Lost? Shouldn't there be someone who falls in between Sawyer and Jin in terms of hotness? I think so.

Bowersox is the only thing Idol has going for it. I didn't see them sing (yet) but I can't believe Tim Urban is still hanging on by a thread. CW...PLEASE - TAKE HIM AWAY!!!!