I'm BACK

Ok - so I've been shoddy but I got a new computer and I didn't motivate to upload the blog address. But I'm here now!! I don't have time to talk now but I just want to say that I HATE Vicky. I hate her so much that I think she can't possibly be for real. Nobody can be that awful. I predict she will be FAT again SOON. Dammit.

I am so shoddy

Ok - so I know I have been absent for a while. Things have been a bit crazy at work - my company was acquired and I have to work with my old lesbian boss (old in both ways) and you would think she would like me but I think she actually doesn't like that I'm an "accepted" lesbian because she is old and had to be a lesbian in the workplace the hard way. Although, I think she is less old than she looks, but that is besides the point.

ANYWAY, it's Halloween and I just have to say that I HATE when people use Halloween to dress up like a slut. It's not about that!! It's about my best ever costume, when J & I were Monica Seles and Steffi Graf and I had a knife sticking out of my back. It's about the Jimmy Kimmel show I saw tonight with "half-and-half" costumes which were hilarious such as, "Cinna-Bono" and "BarAquaman". I loved it!! Not "I'm going to dress up like Little Red Riding Hood so I can look like a slut." I hate that.

I also HATE Vicki and Brady on BL. HATE them. For crying out loud, you are on a FAT loss show and you intentionally didn't lose weight when you still weigh over 300 lbs and you have Bob to help you lose weight and your JOB is to lose weight and all you care about is voting off that sweet mom of the autistic son because her husband is annoying?? I HATE them. I only take solace in the fact that they will be fat again. I have mixed feelings about Heba - I sort of hate her for being friends with those awfuls but she is so damn fat and at least she continues to lose weight.

I especially hate how all of these people are so damn stupid. Like, for example, Heba - she needs to break up her little alliance because the husband-wife team is going to screw her in the end. And the stupid black team voting off the only man was just plain DUMB and they, too, should have split up the mother-daughter team because Colleen, who is already skinny (ok, maybe I'm pushing it) is SO next.

I also want to say that I am at a Science show in Dallas right now and today, in the booth across from me, was a man who was dressed up as a cow. And it was RIDICULOUS. But, I loved it.

I also took everybody out for a ridiculous dinner last night because that is part of my role now and I order bottles of wine from the sommalier (which I can't even spell) and I am just RIDICULOUS.

That's all.... Sorry for the lapse - I am dosing you. Because I dose people. And that makes people wish they had friends like me :)

BL is BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK

I am NOT a fruitist! I love fruit. I even like peaches - I just can't stand the fuzz. I'm not too sure about the pahk the cahs - every time I talk to my friend in Upton and somebody is visiting her house, I hear a pahk-the-cah in the background. Maybe it's a "suburban" thing. But you are right - it is a minority group.

I LOVE Top Chef. Not quite as much as I love Hell's Kitchen, but I do love it. And I think the two lesbians hurt themselves - the one (the one who COULD close her mouth) was such a better chef than her partner, Zoe (but totally not spelled that way). And, unlike other food reality shows like The Next Food Network Star, they seem to pick the correct winner, regardless of whether a man or woman has ever won.

Anyway, I am very into red and yellow, I decided, on BL. I LOVED the "black" son (pahk-the-cah) but the dad was a bit scary. I especially loved his comment on getting voted out, "I came onto a FAT-loss show and GAINED weight. How would you feel if you went on a makeover show and got uglier?" That could be one of the greatest comments all-time.

I love the yellow girl and her dad who is wearing fucking oxygen on the treadmill - perhaps this isn't the best show for him? I love how his daughter, who I thought wasn't fat until I saw her in her sports bra, is carrying the load even though he outweighs her by 200 lbs.

I love the red team and their autistic son, who insisted on them calling him Charlie Brown. And I now hate orange, also, after the orange lady was more emotional talking to her father than the reds talking to their kids. They also totally shafted pahk-the-cah although the logic that he "saved" them with his 2 votes is ridiculous since everyone else voted for the blacks, too. Why do the blacks always get voted off so early?

Which brings me to another point. I was forced to watch Dancing with the Stars last night and I made a realization. There have been so many football players who do well or win the show (Emmitt, Jason Taylor and now Warren Sapp). Hmmmmmm....what do these people have in common besides being football players?? OOOOOOOHHHHHHH yes, they're black!! They have rhythm!! This explains the saying...once you go black, you never go back, unless you go J :)

A Quickie From Portland

Ok - I just read some comments which are hysterical so I thought I should briefly chime in but I don't have much time...

First of all, I don't like banana ANYTHING. I hate the way bananas ruin everything they touch (sort of like grapefruits). I hate the way bananas permeate every smoothie on the face of the earth. I hate the way you automatically KNOW if there is banana in anything. Mostly, Ihate the way bananas sound and look when people are eating them. Mushy and squishy and always causing pastiness. I HATE BANANAS. If I had to eat banana anything, it would be the runt, I guess, but it's not happening.

I did watch the first episode of BL and I did catch the end of GoRam inspiring some tearful letters. I was definitely crying. I didn't even know the story and I was touched. I was flipping between that and Intervention so I didn't really catch the whole thing.

As far as BL goes, once again, they have some people who just aren't fat enough. Are they racist on BL? The blacks are always the first to go! I am happy they didn't put the black people in the brown outfits this time. I love the girl who isn't that fat and her huge, unhealthy dad. They are such a better choice than last season's Archie bunker. And why does there ALWAYS have to be a "Paahk the caaaah"? Can we avoid that for one season, dammit??

The jury is still out on brown. I don't like the "I worked really hard and I don't have to ask anyone for anything" although I'm sure his wife was behind the scenes making alliances, but there is something about the chick that I like. I like father and son but what is up with the people who are so unhealthy they can't even exercise this year?? I mean, COME ON. If this is the case, they should start letting on "half ton man", etc.

Will comment more when I see more. I am SO SIKED TV is back. Gotta go bathe and give someone a "performance warning". I'm THRILLED.

The Hora

The Hora is a ridiculous Jewish dance that involves circling, arm-linking, chair lifting and apparently, in my brother's world, violent spinning. It occurs at Jewish weddings and Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. We have a picture of my mother at every Jewish event, in the chair, with her mouth in a big O, having s schtortz (Jewish for fit) at being up in the chair.

It is some sort of a macho thing for the guys at the wedding to be chair lifters. I can't see, however, how it is possible that my 6'4" brother was lifting a chair with a 5'4" guy (typical Jewish height) and not getting the raw end of the deal. On the other hand, I think my other (littler) brother was single-handedly lifting me and my father, so height may not be an issue.

There was MUCH circling going on and, at one point, a snake winding through the tables - I'm not sure where you were at that point, Mer, but I am positive that I was in a circle, swirling around, kicking my feet and twirling. And it was NOT a big dance floor so this was a bit of a feat! I also would like to say that as in most other walks of her life, my mother is a bossy Hora dancer!!

Another interesting wedding twist - the photographer forcing us to recreate "moments". A quick kiss (which is the way we like it - we are not very showy when it comes to our kissing...) and she is in our face with the camera, demanding, "DO IT AGAIN'. The videographer missed the cake cutting and we had to recreate the whole thing. Which was ok, because the cake was quite delicious.

Perhaps one of the best moments of the honeymoon was when J found a bobby pin in her sneaker. LOVED that.

In other news, is anybody watching Tabatha's salon makeover? I got sucked into this after watching a "Shear Genius" marathon on my honeymoon, which was a fanTAStic show. The makeover (or is it takeover) is like Kitchen Nightmares for beauty salons. I LOVE it.

More to come...

Still love my wife - can you believe it?

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack

I love starting my entries that way!! There are SO many things to discuss. First of all, who came up with the absurd idea of lifting newleyweds up in a chair on the slippery dance floor during Jewish weddings? Not that I don't LOVE it or LOVE being a newleywed but still, it's a bit ridiculous!!

And I have another issue - why do they make any Starburst besides the pink? Everyone likes the pink best. And while a few people like the yellow (including myself) and I think some people inexplicably like the orange, everybody agrees that the red tastes like soap. And while we're talking about red, we may as well ask - why do they make Swedish fish of any other color? Why is it so easy to find the PEACH Diet Snapple (which everyone likes the least) but really hard to find the raspberry or pomegranate? I think licorice really got it right - either red or black. I know black licorice has a cult following and people like the red AND, you can buy them separately. Can you imagine how Starburst sales would improve if the just separated the flavors??

That's all for now.... I loved my wedding and I love my wife!!!

Holy Shit

Am I really getting MAAAAAAWIED to a woman in 3 days?? We are both in a bit of shock that this is actually happening. We are now in CT and there are like 9000 people coming to celebrate us?? I am in shock.

In other news, I am really glad gymnastics is finally over. I am SO sick of Bella (isn't that a character on Days of Our Lives?) and the little girl with her chest puffed out and the men with Popeye arms.

I'm not so into track and field - the poor chick who hit the hurdle and lost the gold at the last second. Meanwhile, the irony of Costas...they interviewed "hurdle" - I believe her name is LoLo after the race and she was very gracious. A few minutes later, they showed her in the "tunnel" beneath the stadium. Costas' comment, "Lolo, under the stadium and away from the cameras, now lets her emotions go" - yes, he is saying this as we are blatantly watching her on tv, clearly UNDER the watchful eye of the camera. Ridiculous.

Imagine training for 4 years (or 24 years) for an event that lasts 15 seconds and losing the gold medal because you trip over a hurdle in your excitement. That SUCKS!! Ah, the heartbreak of sports....