Shoddy Blog Maintenance

Ok - so I checked the date of my last post (I actually think I would post more often if I didn't feel pressure to use captial letters and punctuation) - that being said, I have had a relapse of neck pain and it has affected my blogging. HOWEVER, I have been flying quite a bit lately, and I think it is important to share my experiences.

For starters, I went to see a doctor in Cleveland. After getting NO good news, we returned to the airport, ready to fly home, in tears. At first, I was mortified to be openly crying in the airport over lunch but then I realized that the airport can totally be an acceptable place to shed a tear! I looked at J and said, "Don't worry, honey. We can openly cry here - people will just think we flew in for a funeral..."

Ok...I am SO glad Yigit (I refuse to pronounce any other way but Yih-Jit) won Flaming Top Chef. I really didn't care who won but when it became a choice between awful Morgan (who is the gayest dude ever, as evidenced by referring to himself and SETH as the only straight guys in the house) and Danielle, she of the sunken chin - did she have no bottom teeth? Is that why the chin was sunken? How did she get so far after using vegetables for one challenge on Top Chef PASTRY?? And by the other way (not to be confused with "by the by"), I am writing this entry FROM a plane!! How awesome is that? AND...I am listening to Jason Castro on my ipod while I write this entry from plane. LOVE it!! Now that I truly think about it, however, I am also glad that Heather didn't win. Not Heather with the bandaid on her forehead covering up a helluva scar, but Asian, bitter Heather. I wouldn't have minded flaming Zac (Zack?), because the celebration would have been AMAZING, but Iwas not a fan of angry Heather. And I think I also was not a fan of "Team Go Diva" - really??? I mean, it was clever and everything, but it just highlighted the sheer ridiculosity of the show!! I think I was rooting for the baker who, although gay, was unceremoniously excluded from Team Go Diva, which is kind of bullshit, no? I just need to address that Flaming Top Chef is in stiff competition with The Bachelor(ette) for my favorite show (although Dexter really has to be up there since I love rooting for a serial killer!).

At any rate, back to plane travel. SO....we get on the plane in DC earlier this week (I'm not sure this story is going to translate without the expressions but I'll give it a whirl) - I am hoping, as always, that nobody "heavy" is sitting next to me. I was pleased to see a young, relatively good-looking young dude in my row, until I catch a gander of the intense stare he is sending my way. It seemed somewhat analytical, as if he was thinking, "Can I confide in this one? I REALLY need soemone to talk to...." In short, the answer to question number one was YES - I was a worthy listener, and boy did he ever want to talk!! J had bought me a 5-Guys burger for the plane ride, and as I start to unwrap it, Intensity is looking at me like I am unwrapping soon to be wife of Prince William's engagement ring straight off the finger of Princess Di. He says, "Is that a burger??" What could I say but, "Yes - do you want some of it?" What coud he say but, "Are you serious?", as a bit of drool fell from his lips. I said yes and gave him half of the burger which he devoured with a dreamy look on his face. I come to find out (after he rejected the French Fries with the reasoning, "I can't eat potatoes for a while") that he is returning from a 13-month stint in the Congo. That's not the worst of this guy's story - he flew to DC on Ethiopia Air, where apparently, a passenger died on the flight and Intensity was the only "medical personnel" on the plane, being a paramedic. He told us that he couldn't save the guy, that Ethiopia Air is shoddy, that the defibrillator was broken, and that if they had let the plane land in Maine, he might have had a shot to save the life. While he is telling the story, he is systematically pulling out various items that were bestowed on him by Ethiopia Air as thanks for attempting to save one of their passengers. A few blankets and a pillow, for example. He was VERY upset. He then proceeds to show us his passport picture which, apparently, was 45 lbs ago - weight he lost in the Congo. He is returning home and will attend Counseling for 2 months, before deciding whether or not to return to the Congo for another stint. His next question, "Do you have any CHEWING gum?" Yep - I gave him some chewing gum.... He then announced that he had taken a Valium, would be passing out for the remainder of the flight, leaned forward, wrapped in Ethiopia Air blankets, with an arm on my tray table and slept the rest of the way. What a seatmate! I might have to change my view on the heavies...

I'm back and soon, The Bachelor will be too!!!

I Am Such A SAP

First of all, I really want to addresss the fact that DEXTER IS BACK!!! I really love the show! I thought it was especially entertaining that Dexter had to go to a funeral home to arrange for the burial of his beloved wife Rita... Do you think the Dexter execs toyed with the idea of having his brother from Six Feet Under (which I also LOVED) come back as the funeral home dude? That would have been amazing.

If I were an English teacher (or TV Show analyst), I could have a field day with the meaning behind the FEELINGS on this show. Like....I was mad at Dexter for letting Rita die. I wasn't mad at Dexter for being a serial killer or for accidentally killing a non-killer - I wasn't even mad at him for wanting to "study" LITHGOW so he could learn more about how to be a serial killer with a family - I was mad at Dexter for not killing Trinity quickly enough save his wife!! Isn't that a good topic for discussion?

Biggest Loser also started this week. For some reason, I was reluctant to watch it - it took me until Sunday to make the commitment to watch the whole thing. I think the reason I was reluctant is how completely and totally SUCKED IN I get!! It seems that you need to have some sort of major tragedy in your life AND be fat in order to "make" the show now. It has gotten incredibly sad - the one lady whose daughter starved herself and had to be hospitalized because she didn't want to be "fat like mommy"? Or the little boy (slash big, fat 27-year old man) whose mother died last year from obesity and now he says he will NOT lose the battle with this disease! Obesity is crazy...and sad. Getting on BL is like winning the lottery to these people! I actually loved the people who came to the BL rallies just to be inspired to CONTINUE weight-loss they had already started on their own. And not only was it awful that the 3rd person in the little "contest to make the show" got shafted (although I'm sure they will get an opportunity to return), but the 1000 other people in the crowd don't get to be on the show. They need it! They are going to die!!

I can't believe the fat men all voted off the youngest woman instead of the oldest woman. And watching the women "race" to the flag to not be below the yellow line was insane! First of all, they didn't "stagger" the race, and the chicks on the outside were totally at a disadvantage. These people couldn't even run - what they called running was some sort of shoddy version of speed-walking. Of course, it would have made no sense to stagger the start when the "sprint" was about 10 feet long. Couldn't they have sprinted for 50 or 100 yards? Seriously??

On another note, OH MY GOD GLEE. I was looking forward to an appearance by Britney Spears, which I was led to believe was much more significant than a flirt with the Glee Brittany, and Glee proceeded to do everything that could possibly upset me!! First of all, the whole assembly scene with Jacob Ben Israel was quite possibly the most upsetting thing I have ever seen - the only thing that made it somewhat acceptable is that I sat next to a guy who looked EXACTLY like him in synagogue last week. The guy walked up to me (I was by myself in the row) and asked if the seats were available. I said yes (while quietly giggling to myself that this guy looked EXACTLY like someone I couldn't place) and he said, "GREAT! We're new here! I'm Jacob!" (Ok, maybe he wasn't Jacob but it makes the story better). I was speechless and just stared with a dumbfounded look on my face while he paraded his wife (who was WAY too attractive for a dude with that hairdo) and 3 kids into MY row. I didn't speak until the elderly lady sitting in front of me politely asked me to put her cane across the 2 seats beside me to "save" them for her children. SO....yes - I was surrounded in synagogue by Jacob and a cane. And I was sinning in my own head on Yom Kippur, giggling at the expense of another...

But can we address the teeth??? The blue stuff?? Is that real? YUCK!!! 63 cavities in one mouth? GROSS!! I am very upset about it and can't discuss any further.

I love the chubby black kid on DWTS - and The Situation is totally pigeon-toed!! He is the most pigeon-toed person I have seen since Tal Cohen (the Jacob Ben Isreal of Bugbee Elementary). I wonder if he was a total geek when he was a kid? That's all I have to say about THAT.

I love House

That might be a topic every week although, there is always a "love match waiting to happen" on any good show. Kate and Sawyer (although did the blonde chick win us over - obviously not since I can't remember her name and she died), Dr. Carter and Abby, Timberlake and Spears, Vinny and Snooki, George and Meredith Gray? Ok...so I can't think of any right now!! But House and Cutty definitely fit the bill. So I'm nto sure if them getting together is anticlimactic or maybe it's going to ruin the show, but for now, it was quite sweet and made me cry a little. While I thought it was nice when she kissed the big, nasty scar on his leg, I liked it even better that they took a bath together in Old Spice, Listerine and whatever else he had in his bathroom. I just love House!! But I need a new medical mystery next week - the love story will get old.

I DID catch a few performances on DWTS - and I have to say the only reason I was remotely interested was The Situation. Comments....Jennifer Gray never should have had a nose job. But, I kind of liked her. I loved the fat, black kid - why does black dance so much better than white? In keeping with that theme, they should NEVER let another white football player on the show - it is true - WHITE MEN CAN'T DANCE. Well, at least it's true of white football players. Palin was terrible, Cho actually wasn't bad but I have to agree with the judges that she needs to lose the joking. Hasselhoff sucked, Florence Henderson was weird (why do they always have to have a token "Old" on the show?) and Rick Fox is ridiculously tall but perpetuates the theory that black dances way better than white. But, of course, why am I even writing about the show?? THE SITUATION SUCKED!! And what I realized while watching him dance, even more than watching him on MTV, is that he is really fucking ugly. And it's really awkward to see him try to be cool in a Situation other than Jersey Shore (or Miami, for that matter).

I'm not sure if I can keep watching except I sort of love the train wreck of a Situation and I think the fans will vote for him. Will the fans vote for him? Is it time for Dexter yet???

THE SITUATION

Ok - so first of all, I had to train some people on "What is DNA" a few weeks ago - the chick from the "training department" asked me to come up with a game. So I adapted a tic-tac-toe game - we sell 3 different instruments, and I wanted the people to match up the instrument with different sales "situations" - each card had one of the instruments on one side and an X or an O on the other side. Then, I made a slide show with the different "situations" - I displayed the slide and they had to pick the instrument to match the displayed "situation". Needless to say, I, a National Sales Manager (that's right, I'm very important), decided to start off the slide show with a picture of THE "Situation" in a pair of his JAMS-like bathing trunks (I love that I just said bathing trunks), with his shirt off. The Europeans didn't really get it, but half of the Scientific Americans thought it was quite humorous!! I then took everyone out to dinner and proceeded to play a spirited game of "Who Would You Rather" with 2 of my employees and a few other women who are "below" me in the company. It was an OUTSTANDING display of appopriate management behavior, in my opinion. We have a rather large company so "Who Would You Rather" can be quite entertaining...

That being said, in the absence of The Bachelor, Bachelorette and travel, I haven't had much to say lately, but lucky for all of us, I saw a Jersey Shore marathon this weekend. I also just saw Snookie on Ellen - she told Ellen that she is actually very shy and (I quote), "I freakin'(or was it Friggin) like to go the Barnes and Noble and drink a freakin' cup of coffee and read!!!" Super!!

Here is my number one question which aggravated me to the fullest but also intrigued me and made me continue to watch the marathon all day Sunday. DO THEY REALIZE THE SHOW IS GOING TO BE ON TV???? Ronnie - Sammi is going to see you "MASHING" on other girls at the bar!! Sammi - (how the hell do you spell her name) - You should remind Ronnie that you will see whatever he did on TV in a few months!! Angelina - Jose is going to see that you smooshed Vinny after he treated you like his property! And my personal favorite ridiculosity - Snooki, JWOW - SAMMI IS EASILY GOING TO FIGURE OUT WHO WROTE THE NOTE!!! For crying out loud!!

The note, by the way, was absolutely ridiculous, but not as ridiculous as "The Smoosh Room". Or is it "Smush"? Did anyone see the scene when Ronnie woke up in the AM and traipsed around the house in his boxers, holding his hand over his dick to hide his morning hard-on? Yes, I know about such things... Did you also notice that the hard-on was NOT covered up for a brief few moments in the bedroom after he got out of Sammi's bed with a puzzled look on his face? I LOVE that Snooki says that Vinny has a HUGE "THING" - THING??? There are many words for that item - penis, cock, dick, package, schlong - is THING really the best you can do?

Unbelievable...I do love Jersey shore, but I am looking forward to a new season of EVERYTHING. Shana Tovah :)

I just signed into the blog in Spanish

No worries, matie, I will write the entry in English!! We have been to Germany, London and now Marbella, Spain. Yesterday, we went to the ROCK...of Gibraltar), which is, apparently, in Britian. Which means pounds, people saying things like "whilst", "sussed" and "righty-o"....(I haven't actually heard the last one, but I bet I will before our days are over!! The ROCK is HOT. It has been about 95 degrees every day without a cloud in the sky - this weather lasts until roughly 9 PM. Yesterday, we visited the ROCK, where they have monkeys without tails and beautiful views. My proudest moment was my ability to speak Spanish to a Native, who directed us to the parking place at McDonalds. My least proud moment was watching the monkey play with its penis while tourists watched but saw nothing except for a "cute" monkey surrounded by dirty bananas. I refuse to address the bananas.



Last night, we ended up in the hotel restaurant (because really, it is just SO much easier than trying to find a restuarant in these parts) and totally muscled our way in to the Flamenco show. We have eaten at this restaurant roughly 300 times since we have been here and usually just plop down at any old table. In fact, "our" table was reserved (for some reason), so we moved to one of the inner tables, closer to the dance floor. We only briefly considered why the bread and olives were already on the table before sitting our asses down at the table. We were appropriately shocked when the watiress (same one every night, whose name is something like "Dentist") asked us for our name. We offered to move when she told us these tables had been reserved for the Flamenco show and she said, "NONSENSE" (ok, she didn't actually say nonsense, but something like it in broken English) and just pulled up another table for the people who had appropriately reserved a table for the show. We were IN!! My observations - Flamenco dancing is very impressive and quite loud (I'm going to start using "quite" more often since I am part British now - speaking of which, I have been reading books by the pool and I realized yesterday that I have started reading in "British" - ie., I hear the voices of the people in the book in my head with a British accent! Ridiculous!). Anyway, other observations. Spanish men have hot bodies but ugly faces (well, Spanish men Flamenco dancers). The supermarkets in this part of Spain, also known as the Mercadona, REEK. We walked in, all exclaimed at how much it reeked, and then proceeded to buy groceries to EAT while we are here. YUK!!!

The weather here has been EXACTLY the same every day since we arrived 6 days ago - 95 degrees from roughly 9 AM until 9 PM without a cloud in the sky. Except here, they call it 35 degrees. People don't watch TV here - they can't! It's not possible! We have watched some interesting shows, I must admit - "Dine with Me" - where 5 or 6 people all go to each other's houses and eat a meal and then rate each other - I think someone wins money at the end. There is also some bizarre British version of "Double Dare" (remember that show?) without the slime. I got sucked in. My favorite show, so far, is "How the other Half Live" - this was a show about a filthy-rich family helping a filthy-poor family get back on their feet. Needless to say, I was BAWLING.

Tomorrow, we are headed to BarTHelona, where we are thinking about taking a bike tour of the city. I have no idea what to do there but from what I understand, there are lots of pickpockets and everyone LOVES BarTHelona. Spain is beautiful.

OH! The beach at this hotel in Marbella (just outside of MALaga) sucks. You can't swim in the ocean without losing a leg to a boulder. In other words, it's rocky! And the sand is 3000 degrees - so you can't even walk to the ocean, anyway!

Ok - signing off - maybe more info to come.....

Alex has GOT to go

Guess what, everyone!! I'm back in an airport!!! There could be some really good stuff - headed for Dusseldorf today/tomorrow - thre are some serious lookers in this airport and I mean that in the MOST sarcastic way. Of course, I am sitting here in a camouflage Yankee hat, purple sneakers, a hot pink shirt and a baby blue neck pillow wrapped around my neck. I also have a "patch" on my neck that is slightly visible and looks like a maxi-pad to the casual onlooker.

I love seeing the blatant differences between "non-Americans" and Americans in the airport. For example - there is a dude in the waiting area with a beret on. His girlfiend is wearing gray leggings that stop at mid-calf with a dress, a gray, button-down sweater (grandma-sweater) and, here's the kicker....white/silver hightops. Do you think they are American?

We also have discovered that Delta is now operating on "dress-down Friday" - all of the people we have seen today working the terminals (not just the Germans) are wearing jeans and a Delta t-shirt. We love it!! I also find it interesting that Europeans wear a LOT more cologne than we do - it doesn't cover up BO, people!! The bottom line...you can tell where people are from by the shoes and the shoes alone - and I love it!!

Ok - we are boarding and I have to go BUT...Alex has GOT to go - he stole the pea puree and did NOTHING during restaurant wars. I was appalled to see he had a Jewish star on...appalled. In addition, I am THRILLED that Holly won HK - and that kid has got to be the most adorable kid I have ever seen (with the exception of all kids of readers of this blog).

BYE!!!!

She picked Roberto!!!!

I know I have been absent for a while but how could I not write after the finale? How can I not give credit to Ali for agreeing with me? How can I not love the fact that she basically said she knew from the minute he got out of the limo that he was the one? Have I mentioned that Roberto is hot?

I have a couple of comments about "the situation" - no....not him, just the real definition of the situation this time! Jeez.... Anyway....why is Roberto so sweaty? Is it just because of the cameras (I don't think so) or he is just a sweaty guy? Why is Chris so flushed? Why is the rest of Ali's family, with the exception of her mother (and sister, actually) SO unattractive? Is there something wrong with her brother or did he just get the dad's unfortunate genes?

I have to say that I kind of started to like Chris a little bit, in a way. How could you not like Chris? If they make him the next bachelor, I won't be able to watch, I don't think. Actually, that is a big, fat lie - I can't resist any rendition of the Bachelor and will even be watching "Bachelor Pad" which I don't completely get but refuse to miss. Chris is such a nice guy and I appreciate the fact that he knows he signed up for this show and was taking the risk of being dumped and doesn't hate Ali for it. I also cried when the rainbow showed up. Of course, I am a bit of a cry baby but it was a touching moment! Why is Roberto so sweaty?

I can't believe Frank didn't show up to face Ali "after the final rose". I can't believe it's over and I have to wait for a new Bachelor to start. Frank is such a little wus!! I bet he broke up with "Nicole" and didn't want to own up. OR....he knew he was going to lose to Roberto and just didn't want to have his heart broken in the finale. Remember this guy couldn't breathe earlier in the show when he saw Ali with other guys?

Why is Roberto so sweaty?

Otherwise, I think the finale was slightly anti-climatic (climactic?) - but I love that she picked Roberto even though she had America convinced she was going to go with boring but nice Chris. I LOVE THIS SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also sort of enjoyed "True Beauty" which I mostly watched because Howard Stern's wife was in it (and Nick Lachey's girlfriend - ok, I had no idea who she was). I love that one of the dudes took the hanky and mopped his brow with it when it was meant for the crying chick who didn't get picked to stand up for anyone's wedding. Ok - that sounds confusing but it's a long story... I also love when Nick Lachey's girlfriend walked out to "reveal" that the show was actually "True Beauty" and not "The Face of Las Vegas" and the contestants looked at her like, "Who the hell are you?" She actually thought the act of HER walking into the elimination room was going to be a dead giveaway to the contestants that they were on True Beauty? Just to put my crying at Chris' rainbow in perspective, I think I cried when the dude won this show, too. Cry baby.

I haven't seen HK or Top Chef in a while and I haven't flown in a while but I promise to continue my flying stories - is there a book in there, somewhere? Bananas....unbelievable!!

Firesnatch is GONE

Ok - so I've been a little lax again but of course, I must discuss my favorite show. And I think I have to discuss Mel!! Seriously? Did he say, "I bend over backwards with my balls in a knot"? Does anyone else think he sounds EXACTLY like The Joker (aka Jack Nicholson)? And why is he so out of breath from yelling at his girlfriend? What is wrong with him???? If he ever makes another movie and anybody goes to watch it, I will be shocked and appalled. I may never go to the movies again. I may move out of America. Of course, I said I would stop watching AI if Kris Allen beat Adam Lambert and by the time the next season rolled around, I was on the edge of my seat, voting for Bowersox. Did Mel really say, "You should just smile and blow me"???

On a totally different note, I ran into my middle school English teacher today at a restaurant. This was how the conversation went:

ME: Hi!! (give her a hug while thinking WOW, you got old...)
ET: It's so good to see you! First seat, second row.
ME: You remember where I sat 20 years ago?
ET: Yes. I can't remember anything else, but I remember where all of my students sat.
ME: Wow.
ET: You were such a good writer...and so smart.
ME: Well, I am in the Science field now. But you should read my blog (just kidding)
ET: (face fallen) But....
ME: Don't worry - I am always very insistent that my colleagues send me emails with proper grammar.
ET: GOOD.
AWKWARD SILENCE
ME: Ok - good to see you! Nice bib!!! (Yep, she was wearing a lobster bib).
THE END...

I also need to discuss a plane incident before I forget - happened on my way back from Utah (Mormonville). So...I sit down on the plane next to a young guy and, to my dismay, he has a banana with him. I think banana eating is unacceptable plane etiquette, even for people who like bananas - I happen to be a person who really HATES bananas. I hate the texture, the smell, the sound people make when they chew them and I especially hate the post-banana-eating peel that remains. On a plane, what is a person to do with the banana peel? In this case, he threw it on the floor of the plane, under his seat. I was in shock but I thought maybe I was mistaken. Then, about 20 minutes into the flight (I had actually fallen asleep), he WOKE ME UP so he could go to the bathroom. Seriously, he couldn't make it more than 20 minutes? He got up and I looked down - to my horror, beside my purse (dangerously close to touching it), on the floor under his seat, was his banana peel. I was beside myself. I was going to pick it up but then what?? So the guy comes back from his first trip to the bathroom (yep, there were 2 more), and as he heads back to his seat, he looks down and sees his banana peel. I thought he was going to do something appropriate - WRONG - he leaned down, picked it up, and proceeded to throw it further under his seat. At least it was away from my purse. Are you kidding me???

We landed in Atlanta (from Salt Lake City) and I raced to get on my next plane. I head to my middle seat toward the back of the plane (no status on Delta), and I plop myself down next to a guy in a Hawaiin type shirt with a passport around his neck. It was HOT on the plane and we are being urged to board quickly so we can get the hell out of Atlanta and back to DC. So, I board quickly and find my seat, only to hear the announcement that they need to change a tire on the plane and we will be delayed for a bit. Really??? Change a tire? I'm sorry - don't planes operate with wings??? Yes, I know we need to roll to a takeoff and landing but really? So, we have to sit on the plane while they change the tire. It is at this point that I discover the man beside me absolutely REEKS. Like, enough that I spent the entire flight resting my head on the shoulder of the guy on the other side of me (who didn't reek). Of course, I peek at the dude's passport around his neck because no American is wearing a passport around his neck in Atlanta and I see the guy is from El Salvador. I know nothing about El Salvador - I don't even really know where it is (Central America?) - but I now hate all people from El Salvador and I think they all reek. Seriously - this was bullshit. I made it home...

Back to Ali - I stand by my assertion that she is not going to end up with any of these guys - I knew Firesnatch was gone but seriously - he brought her to the house with the dead animals hanging everywhere? Yeah - THAT was going to go over well. Of course Ty went home - there was no way in hell Ali was going to go meet the parents who were living in the 20s with the stay-at-home mom who cooks, cleans, irons, etc. for the dad. That is SO not Ali who (lucky for her) left Jake in order to go back to her cushy job at Facebook. But that's another thought for another day. Firesnatch was SO out.

Cape Cawd has got to be the most boring tv "star" EVER. He is the reason they let people like marblemouth and the Canadian cheater-dude on the show. He seems like a very nice guy but is it possible for him to be ANY more boring? She is SO not going with him - I can't understand why she is keeping him around - maybe they are supposed to keep one bore to make it interesting, like Jake with Tenley. And speaking of which (don't worry, I WILL address the Jake/Vienna interview), why do they keep giving away that Frank is going to break it to Ali that he has a girlfriend or something?? I really don't think he actually HAS a girlfriend, but who is the chick they showed ONCE and never again and what is the big "Ali, we have to talk in Tahiti" scene? Here's my guess - he was engaged, things "went bad", and that's why he moved home with mom and dad. And why the hell was Frank wearing a girly wifebeater under a hideous brown sweater-set on his hometown date? That was BIZARRE.

Roberto is still HOT and he was even HOTTER in his baseball uniform and Ali SHOULD pick him but they never pick the HOT one over the controversial one. I am thinking she is going to go with Frank and get screwed but ugh - Frank is so nasty - and Roberto is SO HOT.

Ok - what the hell is wrong with Jake??? And how come nobody noticed it until he was a total asshole to Vienna on that bizarre interview with Chris Harrison? I'm not a Vienna fan and I'm still not a Vienna fan and I was never a Jake fan but woah!!! I wonder what would have happened if he had picked Tenley!! I apparently was SO WRONG about Jake picking Vienna with his dick because apparently, he refused to kiss her or have sex with her after the first 2 weeks of their relationship. And he didn't dispute that fact!! Jake is SO gay, I was SO right about it and he has anger issues. Perhaps he should get together with Mel Gibson? Or maybe Ed, not that he is also free to follow his gay-ness? How amazing would it have been if Jake had said, "Vienna - your job was to just SHUT UP AND BLOW ME!!!!" And did anyone catch the little tidbit about the dog not being "potty-trained"? Jake - it's called house-broken. And yes, we DO want to hear about the dog pooping all over the LA apartment.

Jake is the worst. Vienna is the worst. Chris is a bore. Frank is trying WAY too hard and might also be gay. Roberto is HOT. And Firesnatch is gone...

All Butts Look Alike

The good thing about me getting stuck in an airport is that I can come up with some interesting blog entries. The bad thing - I'm stuck in the airport (in Cincy) and it SUCKS. The good thing - you get to find out what the heck I mean when I say, "All butts look alike". Is that true? I might have to qualify that. Most butts look alike. Most girl butts look like most other girl butts and most boy butts look like most other boy butts (yes, some are hairier than others, and some are flat and some are fat). What I mean is....when a person bends over to pick up her luggage, and her pants are falling down (and I definitely feel like I am an offender of this), her butt crack looks just like mine! Even if she is a BIG girl. So...what I really mean to say is - All Butt CRACKS look alike. Whew - I'm glad we got that straight!!

Anyway, thank GOD Scott is gone!! I feel like I express the feelings of myself, fans, other contestants and GoRam when I say, "Gone at last! Gone at last! Thank God almighty - Scott is gone at last!!" Did I just inappropriately quote MLK JR? I think I also speak for all of the above when I say that this class of HK chefs SUCK. Seriously, all of the women suck - the fact that Milka (it has come to my attention that her name is Nilka but I refuse to call her anything but Milka for the rest of time) is the best "chef" on the women's team is ridiculous. And really?

OH MY GOD I NEED TO INTERRUPT THIS BLOG ENTRY TO ADDRESS THE FACT THAT THERE IS A BLACK MARBLEMOUTH SITTING BESIDE ME. I've been listening to him talk and couldn't figure out why the voice sounded so familiar - and then, I closed my eyes and listened hard (no just kidding, I just focused a little), and I realized that I felt like I was sitting in a booth next to Kay-See. Should I ask him what he has in his mouth? At least in this case, it could be food... He's actually kind of cute - anyway....back to our regularly scheduled blog entry!

Ok - is it possible that Ben could be the best chef in HK? Is it possible that GoRam is going to give his restaurant to a guy who looks like that? A guy who has teeth that look like that? I mean, it was one thing with the guy who won the last season whose teeth were promptly whitened before he could appear on the morning talk shows, but this guy has an overlap situation. And he is a farmer! Am I an anti-farmerite? Am I going to have to root for the blue-haired dude, "Blue-Jay" - (seriously, is that the best you could do for a nickname)? Why do they all suck this year?

Ok - done for now but I still have (another) 2 hours before my damn flight takes off. This BLOWS.

How badly do you have to "go"?

Ok - so...you are in a Starbucks (which means people are drinking coffee, in the AM, which can definitely have laxative-like qualities... You decide you have to go to the bathroom and head over, only to realize there is a line. So you wait....and wait.....and wait. At this point, you are thinking if it's a woman, she could be powdering her nose (what the hell is THAT, by the way). There are so many excuses for a long visit to the bathroom by a woman - period, stain on the shirt, fixing the hair or makeup, popped a button in the boob area (no, that's never happened to me!) - and a few more. But, after a few minutes of waiting, a dude walks out of the bathroom...a BIG dude. And he's wearing a Starbucks apron and he is all tucked in appropriately. First question - do you go to the bathroom afterward or do you decide you can hold it? Second question - do you still drink your coffee? Just wondering...

My next little piece of commentary has to do with my "almost-flight" yesterday. So, I get on the plane - and might I add that I am getting a little pissed off about the lack of clout my "status" on United holds. Yesterday, I didn't have a seat assignment! Are you kidding me? I have STATUS!!! The only reason I haven't completely abandoned United is that they have started the automatic upgrades - seriously...ONLY reason. Anyway, they started boarding and my choices were to A - wait in the 9 hour line to get a seat (which had been assigned but not doled out yet - if me and my status didn't have a seat, can you imagine how many others didn't have one??) or B - board the plane with my "seat holder card" and piss off the boarding lady because she actually had to type before I got on the plane. Guess what I chose - yep! B - I innocently walked up to her, handed her my little NON-boarding pass and said, "I don't have a seat assignment - do I need to go over there?" She gave me a dirty look, said, "You SHOULD go over there" and then promptly processed my non-boarding pass and turned it into a seat assignment. Whew! It's not so much that I minded waiting in line but surely there would have been no overhead space left and I would have been PISSED if I had to check a bag.

Anyway, I got on the plane - it was a huge plane with 3 rows of seats - I was in the middle section, on the aisle, in the first row behind first class (status good for something!) - next to me were a brother sister combo, teenagers, and in the seats to my left were their parents. They seemed nice enough except the brother/sister were fighting about whether or not he should put his backpack up in the overhead. I was ok with this - I got to sit in a good seat next to young, non-smelly, regular-sized kids, right? And that was great until....brother decided to take his shoes off. And he had no socks on! (Is that worse? I think it's worse...) Sister's shoes were off too, but I wasn't as offended as I was by brother - really - his feet did stink. Airplane etiquette!!! Instead of the long, drawn out bs about security measures when you check in online, they should say something like, "Please make sure you shower and wear deoderant before boarding the plane. Please do not bring FISH on board. Even though nobody can hear you fart on a plane, don't do it! The space is enclosed and it is just mean to the people sitting beside you. OH - and if you decide to talk with the person beside you, do something about your breath - they didn't sign up for that just because they had to fly somewhere!!" Oh - I could go on, but that's ok for now, no?

Ok - one last thing...TOP CHEF. I haven't seen Hell's yet this week - but I am SO glad that the Howard Stern lookalike is gone. Seriously? You decided to cook dessert in your first Top Chef challenge, you look DISGUSTING and your teeth are yellow and I can't even discuss that hair, and you BUY puff pastry in the store?? Yep - it's worse than grainy chicken livers - I mean, really, chicken livers are nasty even if they are creamy - are they supposed to be creamy?? YUK. It seems like this season's cast is NOT attractive, in general, no? And why did they have to pick such a fat lesbian? She is both fat AND too fat to be that fat, right? But I'm still rooting for her - what can I say...she's family. I'm not sure if I can root for the flaming Nashville guy but again, family is family.

Hmmmmm

It's good to see that my fans are back - maybe I should stop blogging since I will NEVER top the last entry!!

But alas (is that proper grammar, to use but and alas in the same sentence??) - how can I not blog after yet another riveting episode of The B-ette? I must say...I really gained a lot of respect for Ali....how could anyone possibly keep a straight face when being shown that tattoo? My comment would have been, "OH MY GOD - I CAN'T KEEP YOU AROUND TO FIND OUT WHAT'S IN YOUR MOUTH BECAUSE THE TATTOO IS TOO MUCH!!!" I also love the fact that she virtually admitted that she is "afraid to fall in love (she left out the 'with Roberto' part) because she is afraid he won't love her back. Ok, Ali - Cape Cod is SO boring, but he would love you back. He should really get together with Tenley. Frank will love you back but he is a bit of a psycho with a strange body - he sort of looks "squished". The lawyer will love you back because he is WAY too ugly for you, but I do get why you are keeping him around because he is kind of a funny guy. I appreciate the fake tattoo and he is somewhat humorous, but he is just not in the league of the rest of the guys in terms of looks. And did you see the body when he was in the steamy pool thing? It wasn't BAAAAD, but it certainly wasn't good! That Kirk dude might not love you back but he is red and potentially freckled - are you ok with that? Is his name Kirk? Let's be honest here - and you even said it during the episode - you would NEVER go after Roberto in real life because he is too hot for you! I love that - although, Ali, you did look pretty damn good in your little bikini in Iceland - good work!

Seeing Kay-See show her his tattoo after she said, "All he has to do is be normal (and tell me what the hell is in his mouth)" might have been one of the best moments in B-ette history. I think maybe he couldn't cry because of that suit he was in, and I will also say that I have BEEN in one of those suits in the Ice Hotel in Sweden and it is ridiculous. LOVE it.

SO....Jake and Vienna broke up. Awwwwww. What do you think happened? Which one cheated on the other? Jake is screwed now, because Ali is busy with these other gents - here's my theory...Jake dumped her because he wants another go at the Bachelor. He is done with DWTS and has nothing left to make him famous - so he broke up with her to get another shot. Will they give it to him? NO. Maybe? He was the most controversial Bachelor ever (or something like that) - so maybe. We will see....

One quick note on HK - what is up with Go-Ram bringing his family onto the scene so much this season? Rumor has it that he cheated on his wife (with Tenille), and now is making it up to her by keeping her at his side as much as possible - I mean, really - playing soccer with his family against the chicks? I think they keep Autumn around because she is a Tanji (aka gorgeous black chick) and even though Milka is a better chef, she is hideous! And the old one with the bags under her eyes who burned her hand to a crisp is somewhat pathetic but I think I might be starting to love her a little. She "burned and rallied" - that's a good thing, no? Oh - and just kidding about Tenille.

And what is wrong with the one with the little teeth? I can't remember her name but does she have a hairlip? Something is so OFF in her face - what is up with that? And one more thing - what are the odds on "Big Uns" making a 3rd appearance on HK?

I'm not ready to comment on The REAL L-Word yet but I'm sure it is coming...are the lesbians in LA really that good-looking?

Have I mentioned that I love the B-ette?

WAIT - I forgot to mention Chris N - it appears that Ali finally figured out who he is - and it wasn't pretty! We knew he was ugly and clearly didn't have much personality since he doesn't talk much but seriously? I mean it couldn't have been the editing that made this guy SO DULL. She should have sent him home and kept tattoo around for a little longer, just for entertainment value. OY.

Why Can't The Bacehlorette Be Honest?

Ok - first of all, I have yet to discuss Top Chef Masters... I CANNOT BELIEVE MARCUS SAMUELSSON WON!! He is the worst. And the logic was ridiculous - he cooked African food because he is trying to be "true to his heritage", so even though it was disgusting, we are going to give him the victory? Of course, SUSUR totally fucked it up with that ridiculous tuna SLASH giant egg-looking thing with toothpicks sticking out of it. Were those toothpicks? Were the toothpicks edible? I just think it is bullshit that Marcus squeaked through the entire competition and then won because he made one good thing and one "true to his heritage" (which, by the way, is Swedish and not African) dish and if he were really Swedish, his name would be MAGNUS and he would be a hot blonde and not an ugly little black dude with a bizarre accent, ugly pants and nasty food!!!

Ok - on to the B-ette. That dude Kasey (who totally spells his name wrong, it should be KAY-SEE) is a freak. And why does he sound like he has a thousand marbles in his mouth? Or cotton? What is that affliction, when people talk like they are incapable of opening their mouths? I think it is worse than "constantly open mouth syndrome" (a la Zach from Little People Big world or Ed from the last bachelorette or Mask, from Mask). He is awful and it is ridiclous that Ali can't see that. I was really glad she got rid of Weatherman until I saw the clip of Weatherman pretending to be a wrestler against the Wrestler and I sort of started to love him. But, Weatherman looks like a rat.

If I were Ali, I would have the following rose ceremony: "Thank you all for staying around. I am clearly going to pick Roberto because he is HOT and kind of sweet. The only reason I am keeping anybody else around is because I can't believe a guy this hot could possibly be into me - I need to confirm he is mine so I don't embarass myself on National TV. He isn't even "too hot to be that hot" like Jake...he is just indisputably hot. As for the rest of you - Weatherman, you are going home because you are short and look like a rat. Drew, you are cute and I like the whole family thing and I feel bad about your mother and I am SIKED that you don't pahk the cah even though you live in Cape Cod, but you just say LIKE way too much! And there is something about you that is extraordinarily awkward. Wrestler - I am keeping you around because the producers say you spice up the show but I can't possibly be with a dude who has 'wet' hair all of the time. Frank - you are Reid from last season - boring and kind of cute and bookwormish with the glasses, but in the end, you will be too boring for me (altough I am sort of boring so you might be perfect for me yet). And you just aren't Roberto - the only thing wrong with Roberto is that his name is Roberto and I can live with that. Kay-See - I am only keeping you around to figure out what the hell is in your mouth...PERIOD. I kind of think you might be gay but it doesn't matter because I am SO not into you. The rest of you - you all sort of look alike. OH - and Chris N (I think?) - where the hell did you come from? I have never seen you before in my life! I guess I should keep you around so I can figure out who the hell you are..."

NOW THAT WOULD BE AN AWESOME EPISODE!!!!

Hell is back!!

I have so much to talk about and so little time... First of all, I flew out ot San Francisco today for a damn work thing. I HATE people who assemble for a conference type thing excessively early! The thing starts at 9 - she wants us there at 730 - really? Is that necessary??

So today, I get on the plane and trudge back to my aisle seat (NOT in Economy Plus, which is inappropriate for someone of my "status" but whatever). A lovely young lady sits in the window. As the remainder of the plane fills up, of course I hope that nobody sits in the middle seat, but I know it's pretty unrealistic so I just hope that someone of reasonable size sits there. I wasn't too pleased when a lady with a little boy (a cute one, I might add) of about 3 (too old for "lap seat" but too young to argue about it) pauses outside of my row. I am not judging here, but she also had a "covered head" - sometimes those people smell. Hell - it's my blog, I can be politically incorrect! This might be worse than a fat person! But...it gets worse. She beckons to the middle seat in the row in front of us and explains that she and her little son have been separated and then looks pleadingly at all of us, as if one of us is supposed to squish into a middle seat (especially those of us with "status"), when we are comfortably plopped in our aisle seats. When nobody offers up their seat she says, "It's ok, he can just sit in my lap" and then proceeds to carry him into the middle seat on her lap. There IS something worse than a fat person or a smelly person! It's a person with a 3-year-old in her lap... After a few minutes of this ridiculous seating arrangement (me in aisle, lovely girl in window, middle eastern chick with 3-year-old so son in her lap), which included me pleading with a flight attendant (aka stewardess) that she should find this lady a seat with her son, 3 of us got up and offered to move. Luckily, 2 of the 3 were women and we both felt quite comfortable accepting the generous offer of the guy in front of me to sit beside me - a well-dressed, youngish, handsome man whose shoulder I wouldn't have minded falling asleep on... I did offer to switch halfway with him but let's be real, that wasn't happening!! So yes, it all worked out in the end but seriously, shouldn't the airlines do something about separating a mother from a very young child? Ridiculous...

Speaking of falling asleep on people's shoulders, did anyone see Valentine's Day? It's a ridiculous movie, but we were bored on Memorial Day Weekend, and there were a lot of stars in it, and it seemed brainless. Kutcher sort of reminded me of Jason Bateman in that movie. The guy from 9 by Design also is an UGLY Jason Bateman. Am I spelling Bateman right? You know, the brother of the chick from Family Ties...MALORIEEEEEEE? Anyway, the movie was ridiculous but by far the best part was in the last 2 seconds when it was revealed that Bradley Cooper and Dr. Sloan were a couple. What a couple!! SO....HOT....

I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about HK - the stunt with GoRam and his wife at the beginning was bizarre, I am REALLY sick of Wellington (beef, lamb, whatever - it all looks nasty) and is it me or is the chick who considers herself to be a hot Hell's contestant NOT hot at all??

As far as Top Chef Masters goes - I am pissed that the little lesbian is gone for her coconut jam, and I don't know who to root for - I know I am AGAINST Marcus Samuelsson who, besides not being Swedish, has nasty looking food. And I was kind of into the old dude, Jonathan something-or-other, but he is always at the bottom and the "simple but delicious" food is getting old. I guess I am rooting for the Asian dude whose name I can't remember. Waxman! Why is Waxman hanging on by a thread? I think the Asian dude is going to win, anyway, so why bother having the competition?

"Locke" is hot...

As a kid. Did they ever tell us his name? Is it acceptable that they were all dead? Am I too stupid to understand the whole thing - did they all die on the plane crash? Or did they all die some other way? Did they know each other only from the plane crash or did they know each other before the plane crash (prior to)? Was the whole thing a dream? Was it a Heaven vs Hell thing?

Is it inappropriate to think that the dark-haired twin is hot? Jacob was cute, but the dark-haired kid, "Little Locke?" was hot. But look what happened when they got older!! Jacob just started looking like, I don't know, Jacob and Locke-thing just got ugly. Maybe he looked like Seinfeld? Whatever it was, it wasn't hot. But...it was hot as a kid!

I am so glad that Sawyer ended up with Juliette and not Kate - is it me, or did Kate end up looking scabby at the end, just like her boyfriend Jack? Apparently, death made them scabby...

As far as my real favorite show, Bowersox totally should have won, deserved to win and is 1000x better than LEE, but I don't really care. The song with Joe COCKer was ridiculous, but also pointed out how much better Bowersox is than Lee. AND how good that song by COCKer is, and how old he has gotten. And how yellow her teeth are, but still less yellow than COCKer's teeth. Lee seems like a nice kid - he managed to survive being named Lee, has good teeth (important) and had an appropriate reaction. It was an upset, but nothing like the dude whose name I can't remember - Kris Allen is it? - beat Adam Lambert. It was interesting to see them all dressed in white singing - the first one shoot what's her name gained all of Ruben's weight - Kelly Clarkson - poor girl. Fantasia - WUH - who voted for her?? Ruben should have lost to Clay. That gray-haired dude should have lost to anyone, like Sanjaya even. Clarkson was a legit winner and so was Jordin Sparks and definitely Underwood was a good one but the rest...not so much. I would love to see a Bowersox/Lambert duet.

I LOVE THAT YOU LOVE HOUSE

We must have addressed it at some point!! I love it - and I love that he finally got together with the chick who has a big nose but who I find oddly attractive. I love that he loves Vicodin. I love that he knows EVERYTHING. I love that he knows the little Jewish guy is going to cheat on his wife before he does. Is Wilson really from "And the band played on" or was it "In the Gloaming"? Wasn't In The Gloaming THE WORST?? I loved the finale - and I love that the chick who was trapped underground loved House and would rather have his obnoxious wit with her when she died than anyone else. I have the same theory with surgeons - if the bedside manner sucks, he/she is probably a good surgeon! You have to take the good with the bad...

Thank God Sandra won. I was so anti-POVERTY although, in the season of the dumbest moves EVER, her move to give one idol to Jerri and one to Sandra was absolutely brilliant. And how is it possible for Jeff Probst's dimples to become MORE pronounced every year? Does he get dimple implants or something? Or, would those be explants?

GO BOWERSOX!!!!! I am not as enthralled with her as I was a few weeks ago and I think that Lee deserves to be in the final, but I have issues with a guy named Lee. Or a girl named Lee, for that matter. I have NOT seen Lost in weeks but I plan to catch up soon. So don't tell me.

Did anybody see Grey's Anatomy?? OMG (I hate when people use OMG - I much prefer WTF) - but seriously - that episode was shocking. I'm glad that short-haired Mercy West chick is dead and I'm glad the big ugly dude is dead. I wish "I love Derek" was dead and I kind of wish Alex was dead. Do you realize that Lexi is probably named Alexis, making that couple Alex and Alexis? Let's be real - who would ever pick Alex over HOT Sloan? I am even shocked that the lesbian picked the hot blonde, Arizona, over Sloan, even though she prefers chicks. I am also quite glad they didn't kill off the hot black dude with green eyes, or half black. He is hot - is he hotter than Sloan? Hmmmmmm.....

At Least Sandra Has Half a Brain...

First of all, do you think Survivor intentionally edited when Sandra said, "My mother died exactly a year and a week ago" to sound like, "My mother died exactly a week ago"? We had to rewind it a few times to confirm that she wasn't in Survivorland when her mother died. That being said, I have a few other things to say. COLBY SUCKS. I can't believe he has made it this far. Lovable Rupert is possibly the most unlovable thing I have ever seen. I am actually rooting for POVERTY over him (I refuse to spell her name any other way). Although he is out now, so I don't have to root for him OR POVERTY OR Danielle with the moustache.

Thank God for Sandra - I had visions of her keeping the hidden immunity idol in her bra (somebody actually wears a bra on this show!!) while the villains and Rupert and "I suck" Colby voted her off, even though it was the last opportunity to use it. JT and that blonde dude would have kept it under the guise of "having a real souvenir from Survivor" while getting voted off. I am now firmly rooting for Sandra. She is annoying, dramatic, and somewhat awful, but at least she knows what she is doing! A small part of me is rooting for Jerri, but I am having a hard time dealing with her mouth - I'm not sure if it's small teeth or what, but something is not quite right there.

Does anybody watch House? I think it is the greatest show ever. Even though the guy from Dead Poets and "And the Band Played On..." is in it.

I haven't seen Lost for a few weeks so I have nothing to say. As far as AI goes, if the blonde dude makes it to the final, I might just die. He is THE WORST. And I do not find him even remotely attractive. He probably has a hairy back and a small penis.

I'm rooting for Ashley in BL - she isn't running around whining about how she is still fat (like Mike) even though her stomach still hangs down to her ankles. Sunshine turned out to be gorgeous. And I'm not sure how I feel about Sam and that chick dating...I'm happy for Sam, but she was not my favorite. Mike would be dating Ashley or Sunshine at this point of the show....if he wasn't gay.

Alright....I'm back!

Has Hurley become hot??

I just looked up the spelling of his name because I can never remember if it has an "E" or not. It does, apparently. So, has his newfound confidence made him hot? Do you find yourself trying to look at him more closely to see what Libby sees in him? IS he hot and we are missing it? Does he say the word "dude", hotly, or was it his awesome Spanish when he was talking to Richard's dead wife that turned us on?

Jack is so scabby!!! Jon (without Kate plus 8) is getting more attractive as they focus more and more on Hurley, John Locke and Scabby. I think I cried a little during the reunion of Jin and Sun. Is that ridiculous? Is Kate looking a little scabby and are her teeth looking a little yellow?

Are they trying to make John Locke look hot and powerful? He is NOT hot!! I would definitely fuck Hurley over Locke, but everyone over Ben, except maybe Sayid. And, I think I might be Jin over Sawyer, although Sawyer's description of "the pilot" was pretty funny - why does he look like he stepped off the Love Boat? Does anyone remember that show? Were you Gopher or Isaac? I was SO Ace - I'm pretty sure I had a picture of him on my wall when I was growing up.

Why did Desmond run over poor, wheelchair-bound John Locke? I am totally sucked in - I have to admit it.

I will discuss Survivor but only because the moves just keep getting dumber!! I mean, seriously, I didn't think anybody could out-dumb Tyson, but giving Russell the hidden immunity idol? REALLY??? And I don't quite understand why Jeri wouldn't flip over to the skinny/mastermind alliance but it must have something to with the impending merger I don't quite get. Are these people really this dumb???

I love Bowersox. I heard some fantastic Howard Stern commentary on Bowersox - she really does need to do something about the teeth and I'm not sure why she is attempting to "dress diva" instead of just being the crunchy artist she is, but I love her anyway. I am SO glad awful WB dude is gone and I hope Casey goes next!

RAWB IS GAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welp - I've been on vacation but that did not prevent me from watching Lost, AI results show or Surviv-UH.

I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY VOTED OFF RAWB!!! I might have to start boycotting the show at this point because of the stupidity - first of Tyson and then of everybody else! I didn't see anything but the end, so I have no idea what the excuse was for voting off Rawb, but I am starting to believe that Russell is the genius (albeit missing a tooth) player everyone thinks he is. I blame Tyson for every inch of this travesty - what an idiot!! Rawb had it all figured out - it could be Russell and Poverty (I refuse to spell it any other way) off the team right now. And Coach!! What a wus - OH RAWB, I DIDN'T VOTE YOU OFF, I voted for COURTNEY - how passive-aggressive can you get?! By voting for Courtney, you voted for RAWB. If the merge doesn't come soon, the villains are SCREWED without RAWB - the show is screwed without Rawb - SHOCKING! By the way, I love the fact that the Surviv-uh powers-that-be controlled this game by forcing the Villains to vote someone off, even though they technically have never lost an elimination challenge. Because of that maneuvar, Tyson was forced to be an idiot and then the rest of the tribe followed suit with the voteoff of Rawb. And even more ridiculous - Jeri's comment, "I'm just not a villain...I just don't know how to be a villian". RIDICULOUS. I vaguely remember when Jeri was on Survivor and I don't remember much, but I know she was a villain!!

Jin is hot. Sun is not. And I think Hurley should be able to speak Korean. Jack is scabby. And Sanjay, I mean Sayid is greasy. Who is the best looking person not named Sawyer on Lost? Shouldn't there be someone who falls in between Sawyer and Jin in terms of hotness? I think so.

Bowersox is the only thing Idol has going for it. I didn't see them sing (yet) but I can't believe Tim Urban is still hanging on by a thread. CW...PLEASE - TAKE HIM AWAY!!!!

So much to discuss....

Ok - so I didn't really catch much (I just spelled it MUTCH, spelt it Mutch) of BL last night, but I saw enough to happily see Lance get voted off and to watch Michael cry. How the heck did that skinny dark-hair chick lose 9 lbs? I love when the black team wins....every year. I am SO glad Lance is gone - he is just the worst (other than his wife), and I am REALLY tired of watching Michael cry. So, I heard a headline that read, "BL Trainer dates a formerly straight star" (or something like that). I immediately thought Michael and Bob were dating but NO! Alas! It's Jillian and the mother of David Silver's baby!!! I love it - GO JILLIAN!!

I'm really not sure (shure) how I feel about Ricardo and the devil and hell - and I am really starting to hate John Locke or black smoke or whatever it is - which I guess means they are doing a good job with making him a villain. I was very upset about the "situation" on the boat with the murders and such and I kind of LOVE the way Hurley can talk to dead people, even if they are long-dead Spaniards (Mexicans? Cubans? Argentinians?) headed for the New World. How long do you think it took for Hurly to learn those few Spanish words? Am I accusing him of being stupid just because he is maintaining that weight on the island or is it because he says DUUUUDE all of the time?

We now refer to AI as "Bowersox". Instead of, "Hey - do you want to watch this week's AI?", we say, "Hey! Let's watch Bowersox". And, I have actually considered saving the recorded AI just so I can go back and watch Bowersox at my leisure (LEZ-jer for the British). The only other time I considered such a thing was when Allison Iraheta and Adam Lambert did the duet - Slow Ride - LOVED IT. I cannot believe Tim Urban manages to keep holding on - he is terrible! He really does need to get picked up by the CW for some teeny-bopper show instead of polluting the AI stage with his terrible voice and horrific dancing. Siobhan looks like she smells - especially in black jeans.

OMG - I am absolutely beside myself when it comes to Survivor - HOW STUPID IS TYSON??? What a fucking moron! I can't believe - Bawston Rawb had a foolproof plan for screwing over Russell and Tyson is an IDIOT. I can't even talk about it. And, while I understand the move to vote off James, the truth is that he was kicking Colby's ass all over the island on one leg. And I hate the skinny thing on Tyson's team. But she's not as dumb as Tyson - why would you do anything but listen to RAWB when you are on his team???

Dammit - now I'm upset.

Why do the heroes suck???

I don't get it. Is it just because Bawston Rawb is not on their team? It celarly was NOT Cirie's fault. I guess we'll see if it was Tawm's fault but, as much as I hate to admit it, I think maybe the pahk the cahs are great at Surviv-UH. I'm not sure why they voted out Tawm when Colby is clearly the weakest team member (including all women and Rupert with a broken toe). I will also say that James the Gravedigger is about 3 billion times stronger than any member of that team, even on one leg. Hell - he has that 3rd leg (aka "the package") to make up for the knee injury. Was Survivor always such a violent game?

I really want to see the villains get villainous, and I think they will have to go to tribal council in order to be a little evil. Who gets evil when they are winning all of the time? The only way they are going to TC is if Bawston Rawb decides to throw the challenge so he can vote off Russell. And I didn't understand why Russell was the BEST surviv-UH play-UH ev-UH until I witnessed his strategy of giving Coach the hidden immunity idol. Of course, Coach is too much of a weanie (yep, that word again) to turn on Russell after getting the idol, which is just an example of Russell's genius! But...Russell is missing a tooth - maybe I DO need to become a lover of the toothless!

I do believe that the heroes are going to lose again next week - they keep showing Rawb threatening to squash Russell for looking for the immunity idol on his own, but he can't vote him out of they never lose and as long as they are doing puzzle challenges, the heroes don't stand a chance! My theory is that as long as they keep showing the strategy of the villians in the previews, it is a sign that the heroes are going to lose...again.

One thing Tom said which was just about the most accurate thing I have ever heard from the mouth of a Surviv-UH. He referred to James as the perfect teammate (not quite how he put it, but that's what I think). He is the strongest, dumbest, (best body) Surviv-UH play-UH the game has ever seen! It's perfect - he helps them win the challenges (as long as they aren't puzzles) and he is so dumb he just does what he is told when it comes to voting...the perfect teammate! The perfect alliance partner! Imagine a partnership between Russell and James?

Tyson and the skinny blonde chick have GOT to go. And I believe she made some sort of bizarre comment about watching her weight which was NOT funny to anybody, anywhere.

Jeff Probst is hot.

I would never turn down a request...

Of course I watch Lost!! I had fallen behind and caught up by watching 2 episodes last weekend and then the 3rd online, which was PAINFUL. The Black Smoke just isn't the same on a laptop, not in HD.

SO...what can I say about Lost? One reason I am not a big fan - it's too much thinking for me. I use my brain way too much at work to have to use it to watch TV. I prefer bimbos throwing themselves at a "too-goodlooking" dude, teenagers belting out tunes, fat people trying to lose weight with their trainer climbing all over the treadmill and, well, cooking shows. I also think that Charlie (known as Jack on Lost but will always be PO5 Charlie to me) looks scabby these days. Speaking of PO5, did anyone notice that the giant black dude on AI sang the song that was playing when Love-Hewitt was lying in the hospital bed and Bailey (mini-Tom Cruise, not my dog) skulked into her room to say, "My name is Bailey, and I am an alcoholic. And you, JLH, have a big ass!"? It was slightly ridiculous, but not as ridiculous as the crying by Kara... Or the crying by NOT Adam Lambart's brother when he didn't make the top twelve.

ANYWAY...Claire scares me. She was ok with being in the pit!! And Kate annoys me. I much prefer the blonde whose name I can never remember but who looks like the lesbian on Grey's Anatomy. Arizona! That's her name!! Oh wait - that's the name of the chick on Grey's. What is the name of Sawyer's girlfriend? And I'm pissed because normally, I would be into the guy who is NOT Sawyer, but in the case of Lost, NOT Sawyer is Jack and Jack is scabby!

I don't like the black smoke. It reminds me of Ghost, when Willie Lopez was killed by Swayze the Ghost and then the black smoke came up through the grates and dragged him down to hell. And then a lovely white light came and got Swayze, but not until he shared one last illuminated kiss with Demi Moore. Did Lost steal the black smoke from Ghost? That is just not acceptable. And I know it is a TV show, but Hurly could not maintain that weight on a deserted island!! Heck - even John Locke could not maintain that weight. Dead OR alive...

I refuse to talk about Ben's eyes. Except I just did. And do you think the reason that the Asian dude became a bigger character is because he looks EXACTLY like Jon Gosselin? Who wants to see Jon minus Kate and eight on Lost??

Picking a title for the "post" is the worst part

Ok - THANK GOD the moustache is gone!! I don't mean to be mean (but I'm not exactly trying to be nice) and I am not discriminating against the less attractive Idol contestants, as proven by my love of yellow-toothed AND toothLESS Bowersox. If you had seen the teeth before they were whitened by the Idol powers-that-be, you would understand why the yellow was so much bigger of a deal than the missing teeth.

But that little young thing, Hayley(?), has the biggest upper lip I have ever seen....EVER. It is so big it looks like she has a moustache. Add to that the TERRIBLE singing, and I am so glad she is gone... I was actually nervous she might stay (flashing back to Sanjaya), and was quite relieved to see her go. I am very glad John Parks is gone - I thought the Korean population would keep him around, but clearly his singing was bad enough to discourage even the Koreans from voting for him. I can't believe "I'm hot but I can't sing" is still hanging on. I kind of love that this season's version of Sanjaya is HOT.

But, let's talk about Survivor. I haven't been watching for a few years and I'm not sure why I stopped. I was sucked in by the commercials (probably during the Super Bowl) for Heroes vs. Villains and I am loving it. I have to admit, as much as Boston Rob's accent is aggravating, the guy is amazing. He is smaht and great at the challenges and he manages to be loved by his tribemates. I kind of love Russell and was bummed that they won a toolbox after he hid the hatchet from team. Russell, by the way, is missing a tooth or two of his own!

I don't understand why everyone thinks Pavarti (I think there is an H in there somewhere but I have no clue where) is so hot, and did anyone see the skinniest blonde EVER pathetically trying to make a basket after throwing herself pathetically down the slip-n-slide? She needs a damn bite to eat!

Why are there so many "pahk-the-cahs" on Survivor? On this one alone, we have Rob, Tawm, and Coach. I can't even talk about Coach - he is just too ridiculous. And why was everyone mad at James for pushing that old dude off of the sumo wrestling island? That was the game! What was he supposed to do - gently nudge him off? Puleeeeeeez.

Jeff Probst is still hot.

I can't top the title of the last post...

SO....I feel like I need to continue my updates on AI since I have a fan! Is it me, or are there a lot of little boys in this year's competition? And do they all have "comb-forwards"? I don't get the "comb-forward" and no matter how adorable "I'm adorable but I suck at singing even though Simon complimented me this week" is, he is terrible. And even though I am not impressed with either of the black guys thus far, I kind of love them. I think Todrick looks like a drag queen and what more can I say about "I rocks the onesie" that he hasn't already said about himself?!

I still love Andrew Garcia (is that his name?) even though his performance was rough this week and I am just not a fan of the dude with the long, blonde hair. I just don't like boys with long hair... Interestingly, I do like girls with long hair - well, one girl with long hair. The thing about short hair (on girls or guys) is that you can't hide anything about your appearance. If a chick can pull off short hair, she is usually gorgeous (or a lesbian, or a gorgeous lesbian) and if a guy is hiding behind long hair, he usually isn't (gorgeous, he definitely isn't a lesbian).

I was impressed, yet again, by "No, I am not Adam Lambert's brother" and the little churchie country singing dude who looks about 8 years old. I want to hate both of them, but they are both really good. And by far, the best comment of the night (no, nothing about bananas) was Ellen saying something to the effect of, "Underneath that mullet, there is a really good singer!" I LOVE that she is addressing the mullet - for that alone, she is a good judge. Looking forward to the ladies tonight but I can't believe the chick I love has yellow teeth and is named BOWERSOX. It's a travesty for me to root for someone with yellow teeth but hey, what can I do?

As for the other show...WHY WOULD ANYONE DECIDE TO TRAIN WITH BOB?? Year after year after year, psychiatric advice and all, Jillian trains the winner. For God's sake - she turned Helen into the winner! And last night after Michael, who looks like a 60-year old fat woman, stacked his blue team (except for the fact that Bob is the trainer), Jillian managed to train the black team to glory. I am SO happy to see angry Miggy go because the sourpuss face was starting to really aggravate me, but I would have been happier to see Lance go. Why does he suck at weight loss? And, please tell me how Miggy and Michael got to be so close?? What a strange friendship!!! Does anyone think they might have been sleeping together? Is anything more appallingly disgusting than that image?

I think I would sell my first born to be trained (and counseled) by Jillian. Dammit.

If I were Jake's dick...

Ok - so I couldn't figure out what I was feeling as I watched Jake agonize about Tenley vs Vienna. I sure as hell wasn't rooting for Tenley - what a bore!! And I couldn't figure out why I was so upset about Jake thinking with his dick. And then I realized - I just don't agree with Jake's dick! Not surprising, since I didn't agree with much about perfect, perfect Jake, but in the words of Ashleigh, "Vienna?? Really??"

If I were Jake's dick, I would have picked Gia, or Ashleigh, or maybe even "I fucked a producer", and I know Vienna was putting out and they had great "chImistry", but Vienna is just not that attractive! Tenley is also not too attractive and is booooring, but Vienna is unattractive, white trash.

And I don't have too much more to say except of course Ali is the new bachelorette and while I might be slightly bored at the prospect, I will definitely watch. And I didn't see the whole thing but I did see enough of Jake's family to realize why he is such a weanie. (Normally I wouldn't use a word like weanie, but how perfect is that for Jake)? Anyway, the mom demanding that whoever Jake picks needed to get along with the sister-in-laws was absolutely ridiculous! She just didn't see Vienna getting along with the sister-in-laws and it's the women who need to take care of everything when she and her husband are gone. After that performance, I am glad Jake picked with his dick!!

Is anyone watching Celebrity Fit Club? I am sporadically watching but I caught a little bit tonight and besides the shocking fact that the "hot" Charles in Charge chick is on it, and Rudy Huxtible, I was able to see Sebastian Bach (is that his name?) and his team kick everyone's ass up the hill only to struggle to put up the tent!! I missed most of it but heard him demand that putting up the tent was "the hardest thing he ever did" and the flaming Shear Genius dude talk about the tent he puts up every morning when he wakes up. Gross - more dicks, but this time, a flaming dick! Wait - is that Rudy Huxtible or is it Federline's girlfriend? I really don't know!! I still think Federline is hot - he's no David Silver, but he is hot, even as a chub.

I miss the Olympics.

Figure Skating...

Ok - Once again, I do have to say that I love the Olympics. I'm still upset that Kwan never won her gold medal and Hamilton still claims to be straight (which is ridiculous - what straight guy would nearly wet his pants at the performance of TWO triple axels (axle?) performed by a woman in the sports program)?? What other guy, period? I'm still livid that Kerrigan got clubbed by Tonya Harding and didn't they still let Harding skate? I'm more outraged at that occurence than the fact that Kerrigan's brother might have killed her father...patricide. Hmmmm.

Ok - did anyone watch the skating last night? I had no intention of watching but I LOVE watching the aerials - those guys/girls are NUTS and then I somehow managed to get sucked into the cross country skiing (!) - in my defense, USA was about to go 1-2 (but still, cross country skiing!) and then skating was on afterward and they showed the nervous teenagers, including the rival Japanese and Korean and the poor Canadian whose mother died 2 seconds ago. So...I felt I had to watch!

And...I actually rooted for the Korean (although I did love both Americans). I hate KOREA after watching this "situation", but I love that beautiful, graceful teenage Korean who would have been SHUNNED by her country if she didn't bring home gold. Did anybody really want her to be shunned?? I also was appalled by the Japanese chick who, although landing, in the words of flaming Hamilton, "THE FIRST THREE TRIPLE AXELS PERFORMED BY A FEMALE IN OLYMPIC COMPETITION!!!!!!", got crushed by the Korean chick and could not have been a less gracious loser (SLASH winner of the silver). Here she is on the podium, standing in between, "I'm not going to get shunned" and "My mother died 2 seconds ago so I'm bawling on my bronze" and she couldn't even muster up a smile! Apparently, there is some risk of her also getting shunned since Japan and Korea hate each other but, come on, she LANDED ALL THOSE TRIPLE AXELS, don't shun her!! I still hate the skating judges, but I did get sucked in.

As for AI, I am NOT surprised to see thsoe that went home. I'm siked that 70s mess went home, and I really don't care that the adorable but terrible singer is still around and I still love Andrew Garcia and the girl with the yellow teeth whose teeth are suspiciously not AS yellow but still not much to look at. I haven't decided how I feel about Ellen as a judge but I am certain she should not wear white on white on white!

Ok - Olympics are almost over. How could I forget?? I LOVE that the Canadian chicks hockey team got in trouble for bringing their raucous celebration onto the ice last night!! LOVE IT.

Who would have thought Jake would have the most scandalous season of The Bachelor? Those women are crazy!! I watched, "The Women Tell All" last night - I usually don't watch that excuse for more ratings (a la the Olympic separation), but I just HAD to see the chick who had an affair with the producer (who, by the way, is not too cute). And did anybody else notice how gorgeous these women are? Jake definitely had the most gorgeous cast - I suppose I didn't notice that until now because the 2 remaining women are blatantly the ugliest of the bunch.




I am not a fan of Ali as the next Bachelorette. After last night, besides the chick who slept with an employee, I am throwing my support behind Ashleigh (and not just because of the spelling of her name). Remember her, she is the gorgeous one who basically raped Jake, prompting him to send her home. She then made a comment like, "I'M leaving before Vienna? REALLY?" I LOVE it!! I can't remember why else I absolutely loved her last night - but I think they need a feistier, less boring star of the show!

Switching gears - don't you wish dogs could talk? Ok - perhaps that is more of a factor for me since I work from home and sometimes would like to chat when it's just me and the dogs BUT... What do you think they would say when you walk in the door and they are all tail-wagging (in the case of my dogs, jumping) excitement? What would they say when you walk over to the leashes and they start freaking out at the prospect of a W-A-L-K? Just a thought....

I'm mad....

I'm not just mad that my fans no longer comment on the blog...I'm just MAD. I don't feel like talking about my anger, I feel like talking about....the Olympics!!

Is there a gayer sport than men's figure skating? And why does being a pair's skater make a guy less gay? Are they all converted hockey players or are they just a bunch of gay religious freaks who get to pretend they aren't gay by skating with a chick but still get to expose themselves (no pun intended) to the rest of the gay figure skating men? I love the fact that being gay allows me to say whatever the hell I want about gay male figure skaters and all the other gays in the world without being "racist"? Is it racist when you are anti-gay? I can talk about the Jews, too - I am such a minority!!

The Olympics make me want to go skiing and learn how to snowboard but it doesn't arouse any part of me that wants to figure skate and/or curl. And I HATE the luge. Aren't they glorified sledders/daredevils? Why is that a sport? Why are the Russians so good at figure skating?

GAY GAY GAY. I recently heard that an actress whose name is escaping me (Anne Hathaway, maybe? One of those Yalie actress chicks - not Hathaway but the one who was in Beautiful Girls and I can't remember her name DAMMIT) left the Catholic church because her brother is gay and she just loves him too much to practice her faith in a church that basically shuns him. I LOVE her. And say what you want about Brangelina (I hate how they are called that - maybe they should be Angelbrad), I love that they refuse to get married because "the gays" can't get married. Fuck all of the politicians who find it important on their agenda to prohibit gay marriage. Find a better issue, assholes!! I deserve to get married and the figure skaters deserve to be OUT and if they want to be gay and go to church, they should be able to do that, too. See....I told you I am MAD. MAD and with a few G&Ts in me :)

U................S..................A.......................

If there are any typos, blame it on the G&T. They should ban Scott Hamilton from announcing the Olympics until he comes out of the damn closet.

SNOW!!!

I don't understand how it's possible that I lived in CNY and dealt with this kind of snow every day. The only reasons I can think that it's so overwhelming is

A) I have a house with a leaky basement

B) They have 3 plows in VA and in the week of blizzards, have yet to plow our street

C) I have a driveway and have to shovel

D) I can't get drunk and high and pretend it's fun!


I don't know why I chose A-D and not 1-4, but let's just leave it at that. The snow is beautiful and the dogs are ADORABLE in the snow, but I also hate the snow.

One thing the snow has allowed is much television watching so I have a LOT to say. I even got sucked into Survivor, Heroes vs. Villains and I kind of LOVED it. I'm glad "Sugar" is gone because she was ridiculous although I loved that she crossed the finish line without her top in the first challenge and then flipped 2 fingers to the bitch who undid her top. Who would undo her top?? And I don't have all of the names down yet but why the hell is the blonde guy villain wearing various inappropriate and appalling forms of underwear?? They've all been on Survivor before, they all know about the clothing "situation", and some of them chose to wear appropriate clothing. Boston Rob and "hot gravedigger" both have appropriate board shorts. But that dude?? What is he thinking?

And how could they be SO bad at puzzle-doing? I think what I learned today is not that the Heroes picked the wrong people to do the puzzle but, the Heroes are stupid. And the Villains are smart. And even though I find myself rooting for the heroes (for now), they are stupid. And when did Boston Rob become such a genius?

I'm not sure I can venture into all of the other tv although I loved that BL went to Olympic training camp to work out and find it ridiculous that Bob insinuated that he and Jillian are better trainers than the Olympic trainers. Or, that the food they were being fed with all nutrtional information was too confusing for them and they needed the food at the ranch. No wonder they all got so fat!

And I LOVE that the red bitch got voted off, or red-lined off. And it was not lost on me that she was firmly in the BOB camp and loves Bob and blah blah blah but, as usual, Bob the great trainer is not going to be the trainer of the winner. And people that commit to Bob and only Bob end up going home. As much as I was not a fan of Helen last year, she was smart enough to go to Jillian when she had a choice and alas! She won. (Where does alas fit into the ridiculous words/sayings)?

Ok - I have much more tv to get to - Jake having his heart broken for one, but I have a little thing I need to discuss. What is proper etiquette for blowing off a phone call that immediately follows a texting flurry? For example, Jim and Jane are texting back and forth for 30 minutes. Jim decides he doesn't want to type any more and calls Jane. Jane doesn't want to talk to Jim - she wanted to text him! She puts him into voicemail. Should Jim be offended? Is Jane obligated to come up with an excuse like, "I'm in a meeting, can't talk now (BUT I CAN TEXT)". Or, "I'm on a conference call and clearly can text but can't take a call". Or, does she stop texting and pretend at the exact moment he called, she went to the bathroom, or left the room, or hit a dead spot? Does she send Jim to voicemail or does she let it ring a few times to "prove" that she isn't anywhere near her phone even though she was texting 2 seconds ago?

On the flip side, of somebody calls and you don't pick up...don't feel like talking, and then they immediately text you, do you respond? Or do you wait 10 or 20 minutes before responding? (I got sick of Jim and Jane). If you do respond to the text, are you obligated to explain why you didn't answer the phone 2 seconds ago?

I am firmly in the camp of the non-answerer (ok, yes, I am a bit of a non-answerer). If you and I are texting and you want to call me, (other than right after I text you something SHOCKING), you have to ask first. Can I call you? My fingers are tired. I have carpal tunnel and I'd rather talk. I'm driving. You can have many excuses, but give me a choice! And, by the way, if your request is followed by a few minutes of silence before a brilliant excuse, I clearly didn't want to talk. Yes, I am introducing a new rule of texting etiquette, dammit. You can text me, or you can call me, but you can't textcall OR calltext. There is a line...

Jake.....The ANGST

Oy. This guy is ridiculous. What GUY actually says that "so-and-so" is a beautiful woman but I just am not feeling the chemistry so I am going to send her home? I appreciate him sending home the mommy so she could be with her funny-looking (described by Jake as "neat") kid, but keep the rest! I loved Ashleigh, who has a ridiculous spelling of her name, and is GORGEOUS but lost points because she absolutely threw herself at Jake and he wasn't having any of it (because he's gay).

Do you think they are making him keep Vienna on the show for the drama? I can understand why he might not see what the other girls are seeing (yes, I am suggesting he is one of the girls), but when she requested that her "alone time" be last, she should have been slapped! And isn't he the guy who flew to wherever Jillian was to tell her that the country singer dude (Wes?) had a girlfriend? He, of all people, should know that the people living in the house know each other better than the Bahelor/ette.

At this point, I'm thinking it's between Ali and Tenley but the dark horse is the chick he went on the first date with who gets NO airtime. Ella, is it? He should pick her - she is the least like him and might make him a little less annoying, conservative, gay and everything else awful about him. Which is exactly why he won't pick her, because he sucks!

And, when he decided not to give out all of the roses, why was it so hard to find Chris Harrison? Isn't he standing an inch away, waiting to walk out and say, "Jake, ladies, this is the final rose this evening..." I love that he had to be "found" so Jake could get some advice on whether or not to withhold the final rose.

Jake is such a girl!! Ok - so if I were to ask the question, who would you rather...Jake or Jason, it's a no-brainer, right? BUT, let me throw you for a loop. Jake or ED? Much tougher, isn't it??

I am SO gay Jake over gay Ed. But yuk on both counts. Jake would be so fumbly and bumbly. He seems like an eat-your-face kind of a kisser and I bet his penis is small!

Has anybody listened to Jason Castro yet? Why is Terrible my only fan or, at least, my only commenting fan?

I Love Jason Castro

Does anyone remember Jason Castro? He was on Idol a couple of seasons ago, maybe the David/David season? He is a white boy with dredlocks and a cute smile and he doesn't exactly come across as the brightest guy you will ever meet! But, he was sort of adorable and he really won over a lot of people (including Simon) with his rendition of "Over the Rainbow". To be honest, I was NOT a big fan.

However, since AI and the ridiculous top 10/12 tour has ended, JC has released some great music! My favorite is "Let's fall in love again" or something like that and there are a couple more which I love!! I am such a lover these days...

And I do have some new comments about BL - although I don't feel like I know the contestants yet and I DEFINITELY think this "season" is way too soon after last season. I'm wondering (yes, back to the shirt colors) if white is the best color for a BL contestant? I don't even wear white (t-shirts, anyway), and while I am not huge like them, I could certainly stand to lose a few. Or a few dozen. White, Brown...I am SO voting for magenta!

These players are HUGE. It's insane - and what kind of a name is Miggy? (Portugese, I know). I have to admit I am starting to love Jillian the therapist and wonder why my therapist isn't like her. I want my therapist to get in my face and DEMAND that I cry, that crying makes me strong. And then I want her to send in backup (like Bob) when I don't initially respond to her browbeating technique. And then I want her to take me in the pool and "hold" me so I can conquer my fear of water. And to hug me when I am ridiculously sweaty and gross. And to yell at me when I "play the game" and only lose 1 pound when I have immunity. Most of all, I want my therapist to stand on my quads when I am doing wall squats and, of course, let me pull her across the room by a tug-o-war rope. When did therapy become so shoddy??

I am starting to think, at this point, that the huge players have an advantage. If Big White is still losing 10 lbs per week without "putting in the effort", it's because he is so damn fat. And it's not fair to the skinny contestants who can't possibly stand up to that kind of weight loss even though they are doing "the work". There are two BL phrases I hate.... "I pulled a 7". What does that mean? How does pulling equate to weight loss?? Are they talking about pulling Jillian? And, "the work". He isn't doing "the work". I did "the work". I do realize it is hard to work out 6-8 hours a day, although it is significantly less hard when you have no other responsibilities. Actually, it sounds like a pretty good life. But it does not constitute "the work". Or does it?

And I HATE whatnot, although it is not as good/bad as "the whole kit and kaboodle". I also am not a fan of the abuse of "go ahead", which is a major offense of most Food Network chefs. I am going to go ahead and chop the endive. And then I will go ahead and carmelize the onions before I go ahead and taste this delicious meal I just prepared.

Anybody watch the Millionaire Matchmaker? I know I like the show, but I can't decide if I love or hate Patty!

The Situation

Ok - so I knew I loved Jersey Shore but I thought I hated "the situation" (I refuse to capitalize, other than in the title). I LOVE the situation. Yes, he is ugly and annoying and gross - how many times has he had sex in that hot tub?? BUT...I love using the situation in my everyday life. Every time I say, "Do you understand the situation", I crack up. I say it at work, I say it to customers, I say it at home and, without fail, I crack up. So I LOVE the situation.

I love the fact that Snookie (Snooky?) is 4 feet tall, has 4 feet of hair, and is just not bright. I am only being that nice because she got punched in the face (and the situation did not stick up for her, I might add). I love the fact that she met a "farmboy" and he said something about her being a Guido and she slurred, "I'm not a Guido, I'm a Guidette". And she was serious!!!

I love that Ronnie, who looks like somebody hit him over the head with a sledgehammer to make the square body, stole Sam from the situation. I wish she would inform the situation of his ugliness. I love that Vinny hooked up with the situation's sister. I also think Vinny is clearly the hottest guy in the house, but he gets the least air time. Why is that? Do i not recognize appropriate Guido hotness?

So, I was at a work thing today, and I was texting with one of my colleagues about all of the ridiculous sayings my boss has. He uses the word accordingly in every 3rd sentence. It's insane. And, he uses the word etcetera A LOT. Who says etcetera? He does...often. It's bizarre. He'll say something like, "So I was watching that show with Ronnie, the situation, Sam, etcetera, and blah blah blah". An etcetera abuser - ridiculous! Anyway, my colleague reminded me (CRACKED me up) of another phrase my boss often uses. I lost it when I received the text saying the following, "the whole kit and kaboodle". Not only do I love that my boss uses this phrase, I loved seeing it in print! Doesn't it look weird when written? Who says that???

Ok....G'night!

You know what I love???

American Idol. Yes, dammit, I LOVE it. Even though I said I wouldn't watch again if anybody beat Adam, I have recovered. They hit the jackpot with the human interest stories, even if they are in Bawston!!!

I am in LOVE with the girl who has 14 brothers with Down's Syndrome. I am even more in love with her mother for adopting 3 of them so her son could have a companion! What a woman!!

I love the HOT guy (in a much more acceptable and HOT way than Jake, who I missed last night) who had cancer and overcame and while I do not love the fact that he is a "voice coach", he was pretty good and definitely HOT!

I love the girl who grew up basically abused by her parents who did not allow her to listen to "secular music" but has an amazing voice and couldn't handle the prospect of singing in front of someone who cares!

I kind of love Posh Spice?

I love the Asian kid who sang "All By Myself" in a completely unacceptable manner and I sort of love the ANGRY guy who pissed Kara (Cara?) off with his demeanor. Do I love Kara? No. Do I love how pissed off she was at the mean man? Yes. Do I love that the one chick who sort of looked like Goldie kept calling her Paula? YES. Do I love that 25% of the chicks on that show sort of look like Goldie? Of course!!

I think I sort of love Uncle Pyro. OH - and by the way - in my office, or in THE office, they have a Kockenspiel in every office in the building. I mean, a large company went out and bought a million Kockenspiels for literally every single office in the place. I love that!!

I am in shock that I got all carried away in my nerdiness today and ranted and raved to my new boss about all of the ideas I have to advance Uncle Pyro and he looked at me like I am nuts and then told me that he "loves my enthusiasm". I'm not sure if I love my enthusiasm. I'm a geek!! But I sort of love being a geek. Geeks are cool. OH!!! And I love the girl at work named Tamar today (who, when introduced to me, inspired a thought of - there IS another Jew in this company)! I love that she insisted on approaching me to say, and I quote, "By the way, I was just telling so-and-so that you have the most Jewish name EVER. Are you Jewish?" And I replied with, "Yes, Tamar, but I believe the name Tamar might trump mine in Jewie-ness by just a little".

Why have I used the word Jew in every 2010 entry? HMMMMMMM...........

So dammit, Terrible - I have loves!!!

You want to know what I hate?

Well, I hate lots of things. I hate apartment living (thankfully, that's out of my life). I hate listening to my neighbor shower or hearing my neighbor's dog bark or the worst, smelling Indian food in the hallway of the apartment building. I hate when people don't turn off their blinker after they turn (most frequently occurring on the highway). I hate when people leave their carts in the parking lot at the grocery store. (Well, I guess I don't HATE that but, come on...how lazy can you be??) I hate when people play with my crutches and then leave them on the other side of the room. Yes - I realize you don't need them to get back over here, but I actually am using them to walk!! I hate people who protest against same-sex marriage - there are plenty of better things out there that deserve their focus and attention - spend energy there!!

I hate when people leave their dogs outside all day. Don't they realize that even if they can handle the sub-zero temperatures, they are going to bark? And that even those of us who no longer live in Indian apartments can hear the damn barking? I hate when people treat the Jewish (and probably Christian, too) holidays like a fashion show. Aren't we there to pray? Shouldn't we all be in sweatsuits? I actually kind of hate sweatsuits. I don't hate sweat pants and sweat shirts, but I really am not a fan of the matching set.

I have soooo many more hates. I won't even get into my hate of to, too and two mix-ups and people who spell definately. On the other hand, I actually love certain grammatical/spelling mix-ups. For example, I have a colleague who uses the word amendable instead of amenable. I love it! She will say, "I'm not sure if Jacki is amendable to this, but I would like her to come visit this customer in NYC." Love it. I'm also sort of a fan of ain't and I especially like putting an apostrophe in the word ain't, as if that makes it an acceptable word.

Oh my - I am experiencing a "hate" right this second! Although again, like ain't, I am sort of loving it. One of my "colleagues" is giving a presentation on a conference call. The presentation is online. He is having issues with both the presentation and the call - the best part is that someone keeps writing across his presentation with blue marker (love it). He sounds like he is either on a plane, train or in a motor boat. What a disaster! The best part is that his boss is a stickler for process, etc. and I love the fact that she is likely FREAKING OUT right now.

But anyway, back to what I hate. I hate people who have surgery and, of course, have pain after the surgery, but try NOT to take the painkillers. THE PAINKILLERS ARE FOR THE PAIN, YOU IDIOT! They storm around, in pain, and tell you, "Oh...I just don't like the way they make me feel". Really? Like you don't like the fact that they KILL YOUR PAIN?? The only acceptable excuse for such a person is that they are trying to save the painkillers to use for pleasure, perhaps to take with a cocktail or a long plane ride or a "painful" meeting. And these people, they just live their lives with leftover painkillers in their medicine cabinets like some kind of trophy. If you aren't going to take them yourself, even for pain, at least SHARE!!

Seriously, there are so many things to hate about these people. As a person who has dealt with a considerable amount of pain (which has, apparently, made me a bitter hater of all things above and people who don't understand Judaism), I hate when people look at me and demand/claim they do not "need" the painkillers because they make their head fuzzy. I actually had the following conversation with someone. I explained to her that, before they sliced open my throat to fix my neck, I was taking between 6-8 painkillers daily. She told me she could barely handle 1 or 2 when she had some surgery or another for which she tried not to take the painkillers. (I just thought of another acceptable excuse - not taking them because you want to drink heavily. Before I went to Hawaii, I really tried hard to get off the pills so I could enjoy the Classic Mai Tai, which is killer! Not that I couldn't have done both, and I hate people who think you can't drink and take painkillers together, but I can't truly appreciate the buzz from the Mai Tai if I am already feeling a narcotic buzz, you know?) Anyway, this bitch looked at me like I was crazy - like I had a choice about how many I was taking. Seriously, I have always been a fan of the narcotic, but it isn't fun after 1 or 2. I told her that I was in so much pain, I felt like I was going to puke most of the time and the doctor told me to take one every 2 hours until the surgery. And this bitch looked at me and, with a straight face said, "Maybe I just have a higher tolerance for pain". The fact that I didn't jump across the table and strangle her is a testament to my self-control, and maybe to the Vodka/Cran I was consuming at the time. Ugh - what a wench.

So...I hate people who don't take the pills they are prescribed because they think they know better than the doctor. I also hate smarmy people, but that's a whole new entry, because I love the word smarmy. Would my fans be amendable to an entry about smarmy people???