Dreams and teeth

First of all, what is it with dreams and teeth? Why are teeth always an aspect of nightmares? Everybody has had one at one time or another. Sometimes, the teeth all fall out. Sometimes, the front ones are missing. In my case, the teeth get too big for my mouth and I can't talk to people and tell them that I need help. It's a recurring nightmare I've had since I was a kid. It occurs in many different ways but the gist is that I can't open my mouth and talk. Yes, I know, it doesn't take a rocket scientist, or even a CHI or a CHOL, for that matter, to interpret the dream but I like to think it is mostly in my past.

Of course, I'm going to blow that theory to hell by telling the story of my converstaion with my CHI (yes, the one who actually talks to me before pulling out her prescription pad) last week. I had the dream - it was the first time in years, but I had it. So, of course, she wanted to interpret it. Here's where it gets interesting.

CHI - So, what do you think about the dream?
ME - Well, obviously, I have issues telling people when I need help.
CHI - But, how do you feel about teeth?
ME - ???? (ut oh, am i going to have to tell her about my teeth "thing"?)
CHI - Well, what do you think of when you think of teeth?
ME - Well, I don't like it when people have bad teeth (ut oh, does she have bad teeth?)
CHI - How come?
ME - It's the first thing you see and it's an easy thing to fix. FIX IT.
CHI - Ok - let's go a different route... What do you associate with big teeth?
ME - ummmmmm.....
CHI - What do you think when you see big teeth?
ME - GET BRACES
CHI - Ok, let's try thinking outside the box here - who do you associate with big teeth
ME - ummmm (I don't associate with anyone with big, buck, missing or yellow teeth)
CHI - Like, for example, the big bad wolf???
ME - OOOOHHHH.... (I'm a fucking moron)

It went on from there... Something about the big, bad wolf and anger and me keeping all of my anger locked up behind my teeth. Meanwhile, I was on a bit of a different track. I'm pretty sure she has good teeth, thankfully, although I'm certain she'll never smile in front of me again!! Can you believe GET BRACES came out of my mouth?? (Don't answer that)...

Would you read this book??

It’s funny – as I was thinking about writing a book, I was trying to think of a title for the book. I wanted to compile my “stories” from the business world and maybe some snippets from the rest of my life because I have some funny stories and generally, I tell them well. So, I work in the Biotech industry and I was thinking of a title for my “book”. The irony hit me right away.

My first thought was “Funny Business” – then I would put a subtitle or whatever that is called underneath that says something to the effect of, “It’s not all test tubes and microscopes”. In thinking about this, I had a few initial ideas. First, who the hell is going to read a book with the words test tube and microscope on the cover? Well….NOBODY. Maybe my mother which isn’t necessarily a good thing since throughout the book, I intend to discuss my former drug habit and maybe even my personal life, which might embarrass her a bit. Although, the fact that my gay (American) brother recently bought a bidet for his bathroom should embarrass her a hell of a lot more than anything I have to say!

Anyway, the science piece of it might draw a scientist to my book, if scientists (other than me, of course) read anything other than science journals and maybe children’s books (to their kids). And then there’s the aspect that 99% of scientists don’t use test tubes or microscopes anymore, but if I entitled a book, “From Pipettes to Microarrays”, I wouldn’t get too many non-scientist readers. So, as I write this, the book is still title-less. Being new to the book writing business, I’m pretty sure the editor is supposed to help come up with a catchy title anyway, so I’m not going to sweat it.

I'm going global!!!!

Ok - so it would appear that somebody has been "attracted" to my blog because I put the word Phish in it. Ironic, isn't it?? But I have to agree with "it". Youth XL is ridiculous. I suppose I might feel otherwise if I had an "overweight" kid who wanted to hang on to the title of youth and could only do it in the form of XL. Do you think they have Youth 2XL or 3XL? At any rate, it would appear that putting "catch words" into your blog can get you some hits. SO...does anyone remember Mr. Subliminal? If you do, enjoy the following. If not, you should get to know him - he is VERY funny (read my blog).

I was realizing (Hillary Clinton) today that true friends are rare (Dallas Cowboys). I have a nucleus (stem cell research) of friends from college (Duke rape case) and they continue, even after 15 years (Hannah Montana) to amaze me. Today, I was feeling like shit (cortizone shot for injured body parts) until the mailman came (Christmas, Hannukah). With him came a box (Santa Claus) that contained a gift from one of my old friends (Dawson's Creek). There was no real reason for the gift (Ed McMahon) except to make me smile and remember that my friends are always with me (Coca-Cola). How sweet is that??

It reminded me (Marijuana) of a time while we were in school that she did something similar that I have NEVER forgotten and never will (drinking game I Never). I unexpectedly had to go to a funeral (Prime Minister of Pakistan) of an old friend from High School (musical). I was extremely upset about the whole situation (George Bush elected twice) and was sort of dreading coming back to school because for me, everything had changed (Tootsie). When I walked into my room in our apartment (duct tape Christmas Tree), I was greeted by a little gift from my friend (Jennifer Anniston). She had arranged all of my stuffed animals (tickle-me Elmo), and there were A LOT of stuffed animals on my neatly made bed, made probably for the first time all year. With the stuffed animals (Cookie Monster) was a card (Hallmark), basically telling me that I was not alone even though things had changed. She even related a difficult time in her life (Life of Brian) to emphasize that she understood what it meant to go through tough times (Fast Times at Ridgemont High).

I still have the card and I will never forget what she did for me. And, you know what? She's still doing the same things and I am so lucky to have this friend. Now, don't get me wrong - I have other favorite memories of her, too. Like, the time she was so high she was walking around with a stuffed aardvark on her head or the time she freaked out on 'shrooms and I had to tell her a story about the "Golden Nipple" to get her to walk up the hill back to our dorm room and when we got there, we set the alarm and the song, "I can see clearly now the rain is gone..." came on.

So many memories but so few true friends. Do you think my subliminal messages will draw more customers (Trivial Pursuit)?

I think I have "a face"

I'm not sure when I developed "a face" but over the past few years, people constantly ask me if I have a sister in the area. ALL of the time. I don't think I have a face and I've never seen these people, myself, but apparently, I have "a face". Yesterday, I was in the grocery store and this woman was looking at me - as if I were the weird one when her daughter was dragging around a purple piece of cloth at the end of the string like it was a dog. But anyway, we were both chuckling as a woman walked past us with a full "holiday dress" on. By "holiday dress", I mean a red, Santa-material (I have no idea what that is) dress with a white border, complete with a Santa hat. Strange thing to wear to the grocery store 5 days before Christmas...

ANYWAY, now that we had broken the ice, she felt perfectly comfortable asking me if I had a sister in the area. I started to laugh and said, no, "I have a face." Which most people don't get but if they do, it's a treat for both of us. She proceeded to tell me I was a dead ringer for Kah-ren Chase, or something. Not Karen, mind you, but Kah-ren. The only Kah-ren I know is black so I'm pretty sure it isn't her. I reiterated that I do not have a sister in the area but, in fact, have 3 brothers out of the area who look nothing like me. Then, I made her slightly uncomfortable by telling her that I also do not look like either one of my parents and that maybe I AM related to Kah-ren but was switched at birth :)

Do I have "a face"? I always thought people with faces either have a protruding chin, a pig nose or a huge forehead. Or, some sort of defining feature (of course, I only notice the unattractive features). Maybe it's the dimples and/or the forehead crinkles?

Frankly, I prefer to be told I look like Ellen Barkin. Once, somebody told me I looked like Helen Hunt but he wasn't the brightest bulb and he was saying it because he thought I had "movie star hair". But, I'll take that. Maybe it's the hook nose...

Packing up clothes for Goodwill

Wow - we just packed up 8 giant bags of clothes and shoes to give to charity. Why is this a "bloggable" thing? Because, in addition to the fact that we got rid of the clothes and we're doing a good thing for people in need and we cleaned out our closet (not to be confused with Eminem's version of cleaning out the closet), there are some fantastic things that go along with digging through drawers and closets. On a side note, I'm so glad I'm not a hoarder (did anyone see that Oprah???)

The great thing is the outfit you end up wearing at the end of "closet cleaning". For example, I am wearing a Phish "muscle shirt" - size XL Youth - accidentally getting the youth version instead of the adult version. I look ridiculous. It's fantastic. I also looked up at one point while I was laying on the floor, exhausted, and saw J in the cloest with the dog (walk-in closet, not the OTHER kind of closet) and she was wearing an old pair of sneakers and he was wearing a candy cane striped hat (he'll let her put anything on his head!!) Unfortunatley, we had to give away J's "cheerleading shoes". She didn't realize that's what they were at the time but every time I see them, I LOVE the fact that she bought cheerleading shoes.

You also get to discover things that you forget about, like the itchy sweater I wore on our first date and some awful gifts at some point or another bestowed on us by parents or other relatives. I also discovered that J has an inordinate number of "slips" - do people still wear slips? Consdering we have been together for 9 years (yep, get ready to send us some 10th anniversary gifts!!) and I have seen her in a dress ONCE; no wait, twice, what is she doing with 9000 slips??

So - clean out your closets!!! It's more fun that you think. And then....photograph yourselves in whatever ridiculous outfit you might be wearing...

Eyes and a reunion...

What a day. And still, I can't sleep. My job is absolutely ridiculous. Today, I went to John's Hopkins and met with people from the Eye Institute. (First I met with a lady who went to Bawston Cawledge and we commisserated about the ridiculosity of the Mass fans...) Anyway, I was shoved into a room the size of my left pinky toenail with 3 other people. One was a man with VERY yellow teeth. And a woman who looked like my hypnotist from spa. And another young one for whom I have no description. Let me explain how small this room was - the yellow-toothed man constantly had to get up and leave the office because he is so important. Each time he had to leave, both I and my chair had to wheel ourselves out of the room so he could get out. It was ridiculous. And I was hot.

SO, what are "eye" people like? WELL, the other night, J couldn't find her contact lens....in her eye. It is so gross to those of us who don't put those things in our eyes! She found it the next morning...in her eye. And removed it. Needless to say, her eye has been bothering her for a few days. So, upon hearing I was going to the Eye Institute, she asked me to pick her up an eye. I chuckled but related the story to "hypno-look-alike" on our way down in the elevator. What can I say - I felt a kinship! Anyway, she laughed and then, while exiting the elevator informed me, "Well, I DID remove 3 of them on Tuesday. See ya!!" DISGUSTING. APPALLING.

After this exhausting, hot, frustrating encounter, I went to meet up with my buddy from the spa. I found out that her real name is, "I'm-76-but-I-don't-look-a-day-over-50". I stand corrected!! Her daughter also joined us - I never properly nicknamed her but seeing her in real life made her nickname quite clear. I have been accused of being short-legged and all-torso but this lady is SO torso. So, with my apologies for not bestowing a proper nickname on a spa buddy, I will refer to the daughter as "the torso". Is that even how you spell torso?

We had a blast - the nice thing about hanging out NOT at spa was the fact that we could drink! Even better, my friend (it takes too long to write the nickname) insisted on driving. She is single so I asked her if she uses, "I drive at night" as a pickup line. I went on to tell her that I heard it is a huge pickup line at shiva to men who actually outlive their wives. She responded with, "Are you kidding me? The widows are lined up at shiva with their noodle casseroles waiting to snatch up the eligible bachelor!!" Hysterical. Happily, I did get to see a picture of her late husband and he was HOT. He was worthy...I was worried about that!! We did have a nice time reminiscing about Terrible - as TERRIBLE as she was, she has provided much entertainment. And spa-goers beware, Terrible booked next year's stay for Dec 1 - Dec 9 - meaning that you should either DEFINITELY stay away during those dates or DEFINITELY go during those dates, just to experience the Terrible-ness.

A new angle...

I have a few things to say today. First of all, when did Psychiatry and Psychology become 2 totally different fields?? So much so, that the Psychiatrist sometimes doesn't even talk to the Psychologist. How annoying is that? I remember when I was younger and I needed "help" and my mother's big thing was that you had to go to a PsyCHIatrist (please insert Jewish mother accent) because then you get a DOCtor. Which is especially ironic since my mother seems to think I am a doctor, and I merely have a Master's degree in Genetics and was an English major. Which is ridiculous. But anyway, let's think about this.

A PsyCHIatrist goes to medical school and has to complete each rotation including just one in psyCHIatry. Then, the residency, blah blah blah. a PsyCHOLogist goes to the same amount of school, does the same amount of internship type stuff and writes a thesis (supposed to be original) and does nothing but psychology for the entire post-grad education. That being said, MOM, aren't you way better off with a CHOL than with a CHI?? Nowadays, you go to the CHOL to "talk" and then get sent to the CHI for meds. The CHI knows nothing about you except that you need meds and usually sends you to a Nurse Practitioner, who records all of your info so you can spend as little time as possible with the CHI who is actually the one prescribing the drugs! Ridiculous.

That being said, I recently starting seeing a CHI who actually talks to me. How weird is that?? She gives me some meds and then talks to me! Today, we interpreted a dream. The funny thing is, she's from CNY - I think she likes me because I pegged her accent and didn't mistake her for Midwest. Which is a rare talent :)

On another note, the CHI is almost definitely a part of the "network". What network, you may ask? The GAY network. Yes, we have one. Now I'm not one to limit myself but it's pretty funny. My Primary Care happens to be gay. She referred me to a gay CHOL. The gay CHOL referred me to a gay massage as well as a gay contractor (rare for a female contractor). She did (shockingly) refer me to a straight CHI. When that whole scene didn't work out, the original doc started me on another network. She referred me to a gay CHI who does drug trials. He referred me to the current CHI who I think is gay, mostly because she has adopted kids and she came from a double-network contact. Is the network ridiculous or what??

I was at Wash U last week (in St. Louis) giving a ridiculous presentation about something I knew nothing about and one of my customers came up to me afterward to "talk". She was very pregnant. So....we started to talk. And she was saying that she will go on maternity leave and then her "other half" is going to quit law school to take care of the kid. My antennae went off. Then, she amended "other half" to partner. But, I still didn't believe it - she doesn't LOOK gay and she's pregnant and believe me, THAT is not easy. Especially on a lab tech salary. She finally drove home her point by saying, "SHE doesn't like law school anyway". I'm hoping to start a new network!!!

And I will NOT invite anyone from that awful Christmas party to MY network. Although, the one guy is a lawyer and it's nice to have a good gay lawyer when you live in VA, the state that treats the "gays" like 2nd class citizens...

I was sooooooooo right

The women didn't stand a CHANCE on biggest loser. Altough, I do have to say that Isabeau (biggest woman EVER on biggest loser) stood a chance if she didn't end up still fat. She was almost 300!! She just needed to get down to 160 - but her ass weighs 160 in and of itself (still). Those twins were ridiculous. And the HUGE guy who has the hot girlfriend?? Do you think she is psychic? He's cute now!! Now - the girl who was 5 foot - nuthin - even tho she was VERY fat to start, there was NO WAY she was going to make it - she would have needed to break 100 to win.

And, can we address the fact that Sammi is the host? I think they should put a picture of her up at the beginning of the show from the "Days" days when she was like 18 and chubby (for soap). And she should bust through it to start every show!! How great would that be?

As for Biggest Loser "couples" - at first, I wanted to root for the mother/son who are CLEARLY mother/daughter or will be once he realizes he was born to be a woman. BUT, that was before I saw the couple say, "We want to lose the weight before our son realizes we're fat." Now I am SO them. I have no idea who they are but I'm rooting for them.

In other news....

This is just too good...

http://www.tmz.com/2007/12/18/did-survivor-lunch-lady-lie-to-swipe-50k/

Apparently, lunch lady was PROMOTED to janitor. Which sounds ridiculous but think about it - garbage men make WAY more money than say, cleaning ladies. Bad analogy. Garbage men make way more money than waitresses. Servers??

I am SHAWKED at the behavior of lunch lady. Just SHAWKED.

I hate the lunch lady

I had to prove to J that she was from Bawston or at least the area so I looked her up on the website. I now know that she lost her job as a lunch lady which just makes me hate Bawston all the more. But, the real reason I hate her is the explanation for the mullet. She has to have short hair as a lunch lady but she wants to make her fat husband (who does God knows what to make her earn her $7/hour as a janitor) happy by having long hair. And, "older-than-lunch-lady" Jeff Probst was beaming at the answer. Um, Lunch Lady - have you ever heard of a PONYTAIL??? Or even a hairnet? She also apparently owns her own karate school (or something to that effect).

I am now firmly a fan of "the package", who, as a gravedigger is making people happy by taking pictures with them after digging the grave of their loved ones. I also love the blonde who was in the final 3 (not enough to remember her name) because of the comment about Jean-Robert, "He's like Susan Lucci. His name is always on the ballot but he never gets the vote." Or, something like that.

I also hate the wrestler, just because and "Chicken" because his name is Chicken when it should be "I-look-70-with-clothes-on-but-not-a-day-over-50-with-my-shirt-off".

Survivor

I can't say I've watched it all season - (sorry C, but it's not as much fun without you) - but I have to make a few comments. How could you not vote out lunch lady? If you're jury, how could you NOT vote FOR lunch lady. Not only is she lunch lady making SEVEN dollars an hour, but she has a mullet AND she pahks her cah in hahvad yahd. I think - I'm assuming because she voted for TAWD.

Anyway, I hope brown hair wins - it was so smaht of her to vote off lunch lady and go up against anorexic and scheming flight attendant who was probably at the Christmas pahty I was at last night. And I can't BELIEVE lunch lady is 40. That's ridiculous. She has to be at least 20 years older than us, right? The one thing I definitely don't like about brown hair (besides the fact that I don't know her name) is that they constantly have to blur out her camouflaged ass throughout the show.

And please, would somebody please give lunch lady a higher paying jawb??? Not only did she somehow make final four, which is RIDICULOUS, (although she definitely had the immunity challenge in her favor - how fair is it to have a plate stacking cawmpetition with a lunch lady in the game?), but she also traipsed around in an off-white sports braw with so much unacceptable jiggling going on, it was unbelievable. AND, she somehow missed the mullet memo... And even at $7 an hour, who doesn't know at this point that the survivors usually are forced to spend the game in their undergarments - could she have purchased a new, possibly black undergarment outfit (a la the black guy who sauntered around showing off his package all game)? I wouldn't have voted him out!!

Ok - let's see how it goes....

And keep this thought in mind - Jeff Probst (hot host) is definitely older than lunch lady.

I'm starting to hate Christmas...

What is the deal with Christmas parties?? Oh - I'm sorry...Holiday parties. We went to two parties last night - total opposite ends of the spectrum, both ridiculous, both SUCKED. I'm sorry but when we have a party, we have good booze, good drinks, good music and fun things to do. OH - and people are nice!!

So - we went to the first party, which we had heard about in the past as being the "it" Christmas party in Arlington. Don't ask how why we were invited - we are more "it" than you know!! Oh my God - this party SUCKED. First of all, the food sucked with the exception of the sushi which was mostly gone by the time we had arrived. AND, some woman had planted herself by the sushi tray, steadily eating as much as she could before the "help" could replenish the trays. Yes, there was "help". Which is ridiculous but necessary since there were 9000 people walking around the house, eating and drinking everything in sight. We fit in more with the help than the people. And, none of the people spoke to us! Granted, we didn't know anyone but aren't you supposed to reach out at parties, especially when somebody clearly doesn't know anyone there?? Little did they know, we were fresh off of a Canyon Ranch vacation....SO it. The booze was free-flowing, which was nice, but not as much fun when you are sitting in the corner. SO...we left, and headed off to the gay-boy party in DC.

You would think a gay party in DC would be fun but, well, not for women! First of all, what is the deal with Christmas parties and quiche? Kind of ironic at the gay boy party, since "real men don't eat quiche" but believe me, these boys don't eat ANYTHING. Of course, nobody talked to us at this party, either, with us being 2 of 5 women at the party and clearly having nothing to offer the boys at this particular party. The poeple watching was good, at least. I am SO glad I am not a gay boy. They must have SO much pressure to stay thin - everyone at this party was at least 10 lbs. underweight (except me). Nobody at this party had any intention of eating the quiche or anything else but the great irony was, all they had to eat at this party was cookies, brownies and quiche. Did I mention how gross quiche is?? Which left a lot of cookies and brownies for us to eat! But the poor gay boys - in addition to the fact that they all have to weigh between 80-90 lbs, they also have to attend parties with "teaser" cookies and brownies everywhere you turn. I guess the good news is, once you have reached the target weight of 80 lbs, you can wear whatever you want, whether it be a full suit, "cream" corduroys with a cream sweater over a poofy tie, or jeans and a tight t-shirt. No dresses, though I bet they all would have looked better in one than me!! Ugh - I thought the only thing I hated about Christmas was constant playing of Christmas music on my favorite "soft-listening" stations.

Looooooooooove

Ok - can I be cheesy for a second? I think I realized what real love is. No, it's not about flowers and candy or sex or even knowing that your mate is a good parent. I remember when I first moved to DC, I would fly home to Connecticut for holidays, etc., on my breaks from school. And one time, after living in DC for a while, I was picked up at the airport. While driving home from the airport, I started to get this feeling while I was driving over the Potomac and I saw the Lincoln and Washington monuments (or was that Jefferson and the White House?). I couldn't place it for a few minutes, but then I realized - I was home. It was the first time I realized DC to be home.

The other night, I was flying home from Memphis and I was exhausted. I was mad at my dumbass boss and frustrated with not knowing whether or not my bluebird would come in. I was in pain - the knees really start to hurt after a few days of walking through airports and squishing into a small seat, undoubtedly next to a heavy breather who needs a seatbelt extender.

Anyway, as we started to approach DC, I found myself peering out the window like a 6-year-old with a shit-eating grin on my face. I couldn't wait for the plane to touch down! (Usually, I close my eyes in fear and wait for the guh-guh, not to be confused with the beating of Patrick Swayze's heart, indicating landing). Anyway, I realized at that moment, that I have true love. Yes, I was happy to be coming home from an exhausting work trip but really, I was happy to be coming home to my "other half". I even had this feeling when I came home from spa. I always get this feeling when I am coming home from a trip. It never gets old. And, I know that I have true love.

And to pay back that love, I will now put on some clothes and go shopping with her for Christmas gifts for her family. And my family. SHOPPING. I hate it. But....I love her.

Holy shit I made it home

It feels a little funny not blogging from the airport. But, I am happy to say that I am caught up on "The Biggest Loser". And....it's not fair to the women. If I were a woman potentially coming on the show, I would REALLY fatten up before taping. Think about it - if a guy weighs over 400 lbs, he only needs to get to 200 in order to be at 50%. And at 200 lbs., he is probably still fat. A woman, on the other hand, needs to basically become a STICK (as Poppy? did last year) and she STILL won't win. It's just not fair, dammit.

So, for those of you who followed my week and think I work too hard, here's what I did today. I woke up around 8 and talked to my dumbass boss for an hour, shamelessly throwing my colleagues under the bus for their shoddy work throughout the week. Then, I went out to help my friend move some televisions (long story). Then, I quickly took a trip to the gym for an abs class (why are they so damn hard??) and a quick run on the elliptical.

I showered at the gym. YUK. How do people do that? Let me tell you -it is NO spa experience. Needless to say, there ARE the occasional people like TERRIBLE traipsing around naked at the spa (and she looks TERRIBLE naked), but at least they give the option of a soft, soothing bathrobe and flip-flops! At this gym, the towels are able to cover perhaps one boob and why don't they use soap in these places? Since when did "body wash" become an acceptable replacement for soap?? It smells good, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't clean. Ridiculous.

Anyway, my time at the gym was short because......nooooooo, not because I had to work!! Because I had booked a massage!! I decided to lengthen my 1 hour massage to an hour and a half, because she really couldn't address all of my pains in just a mere hour. Then, she lets you lie on this table with body pillows and heating pads and just marinate in the massage aftermath for as long as you want (in my case, roughly 45 minutes). Even at the spa, they don't let you marinate!!

Anyway, that was pretty much my workday - I mean, I did stop off for a cappucino on my way home which suggests I was an exhausted working woman (which I am) but, all in all, a pretty good Friday!!

See -everyone wins when I go to Oklahoma, St Louis and Memphis for 3 days. I get to blow off Friday and blog in the airport and you guys get to hear about the ridiculosities that exist in these little-discussed cities I get to visit.

You will be happy to know that next week, I have plans with "I'm-74-but-I-don't-look-a-day-over-60". She may not be at home when I arrive but has invited me to use her gym, yes HER gym, while I wait for her. She is planning to leave her door unlocked. Stay tuned...

made it to memphis

i am SO blog these days. i love that blog inspired me to become wifi in airports. not work, or quotes, or 2 ridiculous diseases of which i now have INTIMATE knowledge along with the word "iatrogenic".

so i made it to memphis where, in addition to elvis, there are many LOUD people. it's so loud. it's hard to blog through the noise. and lately, i don't like it when it's hard to blog. everything on the menu in the city might as well be fat deep fried in fat with a side of fat. and even tho i'm not fat-FREE, i have my limits. besides, i am a recent graduate of Spa - i can't be eating deep-fried fat.

so, i was thinking....did the ken doll i met with today who might provide me with a "blue-bird" have another personality like i do? like, would he buy from me if he knew i was a shameless pothead in my youth or that "crack-the-door" occurred in the midst of an acid trip?? or even better, would he buy from me if he knew that just a mere week ago at spa, my 70-year-old friends and i were shamelessly performing in a class called "fit-strip" which involved very high heels (not on me), fishnet stockings (also not on me) and a chair (straddled, humped and kicked over by me)??

Almost time to leave Memphis!!!

leaving okc behind

OK - (and i don't mean oklahoma) - well, yes i do. so, here i am in the airport, getting ready to fly home through memphis (at least they have elvis), and instead of calling my boss back (i'll get to that), i've decided to be blog.

well, maybe i can't wait on the boss thing. so, i've been working for the man for 6 months. is there ANY acceptable reason why this man would need to leave his cell phone number and his FULL name every time he calls me? I mean, i know we have a staff of 7 in the US and i have a boss of one, but just in case i can't identify him by the distinct "UH" he begins each sentence with, he leaves his first and last name along with his cell phone number.

anyway - apparently, my flight is boarding and i am leaving okc, where it is VERY cold. so i told my customer to invite me back in the summertime. and he said, "then it would be VERY hot". so i said, "ok, springtime..." and he said, "Nope, then it would be tornado season." i thought he might be joking until i came to the airport to discover that the women's room is also a "tornado shelter". WHY would anyone live here????

a letter to my travel agent from OK

And I don't mean Oklahoma. Well, yes I do.

First of all - THANK you. I feel like I entered some sort of alternate universe when I came here. And, the thermostat on the plane wasn't working so it was 9000 degrees on the plane and 20 degrees off. THEN, I walked out to the garage to try to get into my car only to realize that here in OKC, you HAVE to check in at the desk. Back in, back out, and into a giant ashtray, I mean car.

So anyway - somehow you managed to find the nicest hotel in this city, I think, and they serve food until all hours and they are very nice and, thanks to you, the alternate universe is slightly ok...

Except they just arrived at my door with a glass of scotch I didn’t order which is a little odd, isn't it?? Had it been a glass of vodka, I may have partaken, but I'm just not a "glenlivet" kind of girl...

I will shut up BUT - how is it possible that I have 29.5 segments on United? How does one achieve HALF of a segment?? And, if that is the case, should I get credit for an extra segment (or at least half) since we were diverted to Nashville the other day on our way to St Louis? You can see where I am headed with this, right? Don't want to take another flight before the end of the year just to achieve status....

Returning from the Spa

Here's what i have to say.canyon ranch was fucking awesome. i hate that i had to leave and i loved every minute of being there and dammit, if we have to have a fundraiser, my friends and i WILL go there as a TEAM someday. ok???

Because, my experiences at the "captain's table" with my new friends, crack, terrible, i'm-70-but-i-don't-look-a-day-over-50, 40-days and my-kids-were-so-hard-on-me-i-look-80-but-i-can't-be-a-day-over-60 were great, but i would rather have been dining with my best friends. and now, i am back to "work", which currently means i am in st louis and i have a seminar tomorrow, and my speaker fucking cancelled on me and i have to give his talk and i know NOTHING about iatrogenic AML and MDS (well, a little something now) and i feel like i am in college studying for an organic chemistry test when all i want to do is get high. in other ranch news, "terrible", (who i will describe to those of you who have not yet heard about her) apparently entered the pool and announced that she had left the water on in the shower in the locker room to"prove" that canyon ranch DOES run out of hot water. when somebody informed her that arizona is in the midst of a drought and went to turn the water off, she snapped, "if you turn it off, i'm just going to go turn it back on". TERRIBLE.