I'm BACK

Ok - so I've been shoddy but I got a new computer and I didn't motivate to upload the blog address. But I'm here now!! I don't have time to talk now but I just want to say that I HATE Vicky. I hate her so much that I think she can't possibly be for real. Nobody can be that awful. I predict she will be FAT again SOON. Dammit.

I am so shoddy

Ok - so I know I have been absent for a while. Things have been a bit crazy at work - my company was acquired and I have to work with my old lesbian boss (old in both ways) and you would think she would like me but I think she actually doesn't like that I'm an "accepted" lesbian because she is old and had to be a lesbian in the workplace the hard way. Although, I think she is less old than she looks, but that is besides the point.

ANYWAY, it's Halloween and I just have to say that I HATE when people use Halloween to dress up like a slut. It's not about that!! It's about my best ever costume, when J & I were Monica Seles and Steffi Graf and I had a knife sticking out of my back. It's about the Jimmy Kimmel show I saw tonight with "half-and-half" costumes which were hilarious such as, "Cinna-Bono" and "BarAquaman". I loved it!! Not "I'm going to dress up like Little Red Riding Hood so I can look like a slut." I hate that.

I also HATE Vicki and Brady on BL. HATE them. For crying out loud, you are on a FAT loss show and you intentionally didn't lose weight when you still weigh over 300 lbs and you have Bob to help you lose weight and your JOB is to lose weight and all you care about is voting off that sweet mom of the autistic son because her husband is annoying?? I HATE them. I only take solace in the fact that they will be fat again. I have mixed feelings about Heba - I sort of hate her for being friends with those awfuls but she is so damn fat and at least she continues to lose weight.

I especially hate how all of these people are so damn stupid. Like, for example, Heba - she needs to break up her little alliance because the husband-wife team is going to screw her in the end. And the stupid black team voting off the only man was just plain DUMB and they, too, should have split up the mother-daughter team because Colleen, who is already skinny (ok, maybe I'm pushing it) is SO next.

I also want to say that I am at a Science show in Dallas right now and today, in the booth across from me, was a man who was dressed up as a cow. And it was RIDICULOUS. But, I loved it.

I also took everybody out for a ridiculous dinner last night because that is part of my role now and I order bottles of wine from the sommalier (which I can't even spell) and I am just RIDICULOUS.

That's all.... Sorry for the lapse - I am dosing you. Because I dose people. And that makes people wish they had friends like me :)

BL is BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK

I am NOT a fruitist! I love fruit. I even like peaches - I just can't stand the fuzz. I'm not too sure about the pahk the cahs - every time I talk to my friend in Upton and somebody is visiting her house, I hear a pahk-the-cah in the background. Maybe it's a "suburban" thing. But you are right - it is a minority group.

I LOVE Top Chef. Not quite as much as I love Hell's Kitchen, but I do love it. And I think the two lesbians hurt themselves - the one (the one who COULD close her mouth) was such a better chef than her partner, Zoe (but totally not spelled that way). And, unlike other food reality shows like The Next Food Network Star, they seem to pick the correct winner, regardless of whether a man or woman has ever won.

Anyway, I am very into red and yellow, I decided, on BL. I LOVED the "black" son (pahk-the-cah) but the dad was a bit scary. I especially loved his comment on getting voted out, "I came onto a FAT-loss show and GAINED weight. How would you feel if you went on a makeover show and got uglier?" That could be one of the greatest comments all-time.

I love the yellow girl and her dad who is wearing fucking oxygen on the treadmill - perhaps this isn't the best show for him? I love how his daughter, who I thought wasn't fat until I saw her in her sports bra, is carrying the load even though he outweighs her by 200 lbs.

I love the red team and their autistic son, who insisted on them calling him Charlie Brown. And I now hate orange, also, after the orange lady was more emotional talking to her father than the reds talking to their kids. They also totally shafted pahk-the-cah although the logic that he "saved" them with his 2 votes is ridiculous since everyone else voted for the blacks, too. Why do the blacks always get voted off so early?

Which brings me to another point. I was forced to watch Dancing with the Stars last night and I made a realization. There have been so many football players who do well or win the show (Emmitt, Jason Taylor and now Warren Sapp). Hmmmmmm....what do these people have in common besides being football players?? OOOOOOOHHHHHHH yes, they're black!! They have rhythm!! This explains the saying...once you go black, you never go back, unless you go J :)

A Quickie From Portland

Ok - I just read some comments which are hysterical so I thought I should briefly chime in but I don't have much time...

First of all, I don't like banana ANYTHING. I hate the way bananas ruin everything they touch (sort of like grapefruits). I hate the way bananas permeate every smoothie on the face of the earth. I hate the way you automatically KNOW if there is banana in anything. Mostly, Ihate the way bananas sound and look when people are eating them. Mushy and squishy and always causing pastiness. I HATE BANANAS. If I had to eat banana anything, it would be the runt, I guess, but it's not happening.

I did watch the first episode of BL and I did catch the end of GoRam inspiring some tearful letters. I was definitely crying. I didn't even know the story and I was touched. I was flipping between that and Intervention so I didn't really catch the whole thing.

As far as BL goes, once again, they have some people who just aren't fat enough. Are they racist on BL? The blacks are always the first to go! I am happy they didn't put the black people in the brown outfits this time. I love the girl who isn't that fat and her huge, unhealthy dad. They are such a better choice than last season's Archie bunker. And why does there ALWAYS have to be a "Paahk the caaaah"? Can we avoid that for one season, dammit??

The jury is still out on brown. I don't like the "I worked really hard and I don't have to ask anyone for anything" although I'm sure his wife was behind the scenes making alliances, but there is something about the chick that I like. I like father and son but what is up with the people who are so unhealthy they can't even exercise this year?? I mean, COME ON. If this is the case, they should start letting on "half ton man", etc.

Will comment more when I see more. I am SO SIKED TV is back. Gotta go bathe and give someone a "performance warning". I'm THRILLED.

The Hora

The Hora is a ridiculous Jewish dance that involves circling, arm-linking, chair lifting and apparently, in my brother's world, violent spinning. It occurs at Jewish weddings and Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. We have a picture of my mother at every Jewish event, in the chair, with her mouth in a big O, having s schtortz (Jewish for fit) at being up in the chair.

It is some sort of a macho thing for the guys at the wedding to be chair lifters. I can't see, however, how it is possible that my 6'4" brother was lifting a chair with a 5'4" guy (typical Jewish height) and not getting the raw end of the deal. On the other hand, I think my other (littler) brother was single-handedly lifting me and my father, so height may not be an issue.

There was MUCH circling going on and, at one point, a snake winding through the tables - I'm not sure where you were at that point, Mer, but I am positive that I was in a circle, swirling around, kicking my feet and twirling. And it was NOT a big dance floor so this was a bit of a feat! I also would like to say that as in most other walks of her life, my mother is a bossy Hora dancer!!

Another interesting wedding twist - the photographer forcing us to recreate "moments". A quick kiss (which is the way we like it - we are not very showy when it comes to our kissing...) and she is in our face with the camera, demanding, "DO IT AGAIN'. The videographer missed the cake cutting and we had to recreate the whole thing. Which was ok, because the cake was quite delicious.

Perhaps one of the best moments of the honeymoon was when J found a bobby pin in her sneaker. LOVED that.

In other news, is anybody watching Tabatha's salon makeover? I got sucked into this after watching a "Shear Genius" marathon on my honeymoon, which was a fanTAStic show. The makeover (or is it takeover) is like Kitchen Nightmares for beauty salons. I LOVE it.

More to come...

Still love my wife - can you believe it?

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack

I love starting my entries that way!! There are SO many things to discuss. First of all, who came up with the absurd idea of lifting newleyweds up in a chair on the slippery dance floor during Jewish weddings? Not that I don't LOVE it or LOVE being a newleywed but still, it's a bit ridiculous!!

And I have another issue - why do they make any Starburst besides the pink? Everyone likes the pink best. And while a few people like the yellow (including myself) and I think some people inexplicably like the orange, everybody agrees that the red tastes like soap. And while we're talking about red, we may as well ask - why do they make Swedish fish of any other color? Why is it so easy to find the PEACH Diet Snapple (which everyone likes the least) but really hard to find the raspberry or pomegranate? I think licorice really got it right - either red or black. I know black licorice has a cult following and people like the red AND, you can buy them separately. Can you imagine how Starburst sales would improve if the just separated the flavors??

That's all for now.... I loved my wedding and I love my wife!!!

Holy Shit

Am I really getting MAAAAAAWIED to a woman in 3 days?? We are both in a bit of shock that this is actually happening. We are now in CT and there are like 9000 people coming to celebrate us?? I am in shock.

In other news, I am really glad gymnastics is finally over. I am SO sick of Bella (isn't that a character on Days of Our Lives?) and the little girl with her chest puffed out and the men with Popeye arms.

I'm not so into track and field - the poor chick who hit the hurdle and lost the gold at the last second. Meanwhile, the irony of Costas...they interviewed "hurdle" - I believe her name is LoLo after the race and she was very gracious. A few minutes later, they showed her in the "tunnel" beneath the stadium. Costas' comment, "Lolo, under the stadium and away from the cameras, now lets her emotions go" - yes, he is saying this as we are blatantly watching her on tv, clearly UNDER the watchful eye of the camera. Ridiculous.

Imagine training for 4 years (or 24 years) for an event that lasts 15 seconds and losing the gold medal because you trip over a hurdle in your excitement. That SUCKS!! Ah, the heartbreak of sports....

Still APPALLED

I'm just not done being appalled by gymnastics. Which is worse, gymnastics or ice skating?? How is it possible that there was not ONE person who could have medaled in the damn vault who didn't land on HER KNEES or out of bounds?? Are you kidding me? This sport SUCKS. I think everyone should just go and in the end, the judges should decide who wins. Just first, second, third - no scoring. OR, maybe the crowd should decide - they couldn't do worse than the damn judges!!

The "I miss Bella Karolj" comment (I have no idea how to spell his name). Have you not seen him as a broadcaster? Did you not see that they showed his reaction to the gold medal performace by Nastia? It was rididculous...

Michael Phelps is amazing, even if he does have bad teeth.

Airplane Unacceptable...

Hi. I'm sorry I can't finish what I wanted to say about the Olympics but Terrible pretty much said everything I wanted to say anyway. EXCEPT, the upsetting "dads" who are constantly present, hugging the 12-year-old daughters after they fall on their back, letting down the whole country. My problem with gymnastics - it doesn't look FUN. It looks like it hurts. Why would somebody want to ram their midsection against a wooden bar? Why would you want to "play" a sport that forces you to wear "wraps" around the arches and hands because it hurts so damn much every time you grip or land?? And let's be honest - on floor exercise, is it necessary for them to play the "soft" music when these "girls" look like ANYTHING but girls?? Let's not be girly - go for the gold and do some one-armed pushups like the "boys".

Why is it that in gymnastics, the girls look like boys and the boys (who are usually HOT until they talk) are so girly? And let's talk about men's gymnastics. First of all, I have to say I'm glad the Hamms are out, although we did dress up as them for Halloween 3 years ago. It allows the huge-armed Indian-American to shine on the rings. But I do have to say, I love their outfits. J has decided that all male athletes should have to wear speedos or the gymnastic outfits when they "play".

For example, why do the male swimmers now wear women's bathing suits? And why do the beach volleyball "women" have to wear bikinis and the men get to wear JAMS? They should wear Speedos or the gymnastic outfits, right? Do you remember JAMS? Hehehehehe.

I haven't even GOTTEN to my airplane unacceptable yet. I had to stop talking because my employee (it's ridiculous that I have employees) arrived in the midst of my gymnastics rant. Ok - I am not a fat-discriminator but, in the past 2 weeks, I have been sat ON by 2 women on small planes and I just don't think it's fair to anyone. I feel badly for them because they can't even put the tray down and I feel bad for me because I can't put the armrest down and I only get half of a seat and it's VERY uncomfortable. Can't they have handicapped seats or something for the seatbelt extender people??

Ok - so I am flying to Seattle, on a 6 hour flight and about halfway through, I am whacked by the stench of fish. It REEKS. I can't figure out what the hell is going on but I know somebody is somehow eating fish on the plane, 3 hours into the flight. How is that possible?? After we land, I get up and the guy behind me is proudly holding up his little vacuum-sealed packet of salmon, like LOX salmon, which he must have opened up during the flight. UNACCEPTABLE. Seriously, even a fart dissipates - FISH on a plane?? I was pissed.

Ok - enough for today. Except....last night, while we were driving from Portland, OR to Seattle, we had to stop at a rest stop. SO...I picked up a couple of bottles of Smart Water for my co-worker and myself. As I was walking toward the cash register, I saw a bunch of bearded Washingtonian-looking people milling around the hot dog situation. I didn't pay much attention. BUT, as I was leaving the store, I heard the cashier say, "ELEVEN hot dogs??" I was somewhat in shock so I snuck a peak at the crew in line. All I can say is that there were, indeed, 11 hot dogs amongst the 4 people, they were all smothered with something (I think I saw some sauerkraut) and I may never eat a hot dog again.

And oh by the way - I am getting MAAAAAWIED in less than 2 weeks!!

Thank You Olympics!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't have much time - getting ready to board a flight to Seattle and on to Portland which SUCKS since I'm coming home tomorrow but I have two things to say.

Women's gymnastics is the most unacceptable thing I have ever seen. And Michael Phelps is ugly.

I'll get back to that.....got to board my plane.

The Two Coreys

OK.......I have been getting flack from fans although only one fan has actually responded to my fabulous blogging skills. I have to warn you, I am angry these days. Besides the fact that my diet includes a regular dose of Vicodin (which wouldn't be a bad thing if I were taking it for PLEASURE), I had to put my dog to sleep. I can't get over it. And, I am so sick of the fucking people who think I should be over it in 2 seconds. It's "just" a dog but frankly, I like my dogs better than most people. They don't talk back, they love unconditionally and they never remember why they are mad at you. And they are REALLY cute. And no matter how much time you may want to spend in bed, they don't give you shit - just lay in the bed with you.

On a different note, I caught a couple episodes of "The Two Coreys" the other night. While I am impressed that these two have managed to capitalize again on a career that ended 20 years ago, I am appalled by the Coreys. I am also even more impressed by the child stars who have managed to become adult TV stars. Like "Rick" Schroeder. Or Jason Bateman. Even the Olsen twins have pulled off something. On the other hand, Boner never made it anywhere. BONER...how did they get away with that?? And what ever happened to the Double Trouble twins? Of course, Clooney was on that show and he certainly made it!

Back to the Coreys. First of all, what exactly did Corey Feldman ever do besides be one of the Coreys and get addicted to drugs? Stand By Me?? At least Haim had Lucas to his credit. Feldman has truly made the most of his shoddy child film career by taking advantage of Haim. And with that being said, what the hell happened to Haim?? He is a MESS and Feldman is the most acceptable former child star ever (now that he is off the drugs). Haim has turned into Puck! Has anyone seen this show? Haim is SO Puck.

Ok - I guess I should work a little....from bed. It's almost time for a Vicodin.

One more thing - I have decided from watching Intervention that drug addicts are much more entertaining than alcoholics. The alcoholics are sloppy and mean and it hurts to watch them drink a half gallon of alcohol. Drug addicts, on the other hand, are MUCH more entertaining. They even sell their bodies for drugs!

You Know What I Think???

Country music SUCKS.

Inspiration from Terrible

Ok - so I got SUCKED in to The Bachelorette a couple of weeks ago - the week BEFORE the hometown visits. No, the week of the hometown visits. Anyway, the chick was SO into Graham(?), and so NOT into the others, it was ridiculous. There was no way she was picking, "My parents died when I was young, I cried at Dodgers stadium and now I'm an open book" OR "I'm hot and nice but I already have a kid whose mother dumped me".

She was REALLY into "I'm hot but I can't open up" who turned into "I'm hot but I can't open up until you dump me and I give you a letter that tells you how I feel". As with HK, that episode turned out to be the best, because who really gave a shit after that? And how could they never tell us what the letter said - or did they? And why wasn't he on "After the final Rose???" We knew she was going to pick "I snowboard, wore some weird pink outfit on day one and am SO DIFFERENT from every guy Deanna has ever dated including Jason and Jeremy". And her choice seemed very right after Jeremy went psycho and then trailed them to the Bahamas for some bizarre final plea which I didn't see.

I do have to say, though, that Jason sort of won me over and I will be SHOCKED if he is not the next bachelor. And if he isn't, it is SO because he has a kid. He is hot and took the dumping so graciously (after getting down on a knee and being picked back up) and he kept wishing Deanna and surfer-dude the best blah blah blah. Plus, his heart has been re-opened... I love these reality shows.

As for HK, I was pretty disappointed in the finale but could I have been more right about Christina (who looks an awful lot like our Christina) winning? First of all, he needed to pick a young and GoRam would NEVER pick a short, fat, sloppy old guy, no matter how good of a cook he is. I do have to give some credit to Petrozza for picking Jen over Matt - it was VERY mature. Jen may be a selfish bitch (loved when she asked GoRam for a reference) but she is not a PSYCHO. Matt is absolutely ridiculous and the fact that Tina completed a service with him as a team member is very impressive. I LOVED how she manipulated him with the risotto bit. He totally went for it.

I'm not so sure GoRam will be siked when he realizes that Tina was only working hard for the HK episodes and plans to skate by at "London". Something tells me the expectations will be high. I am so bummed that the show is over, though. At least I can look forward to Kitchen Nightmares. I LOVE these British opinionated assholes who are really softies underneath. Did you see GoRam give Petrozza a big hug behind the locked door while Christina was out celebrating with her "troubled mother"?

Terrible - I can't believe you were sharing photo booth pics with Susan Fine and the other honest old Jews at the shower. And True92 - TRUE that I was talking about you. Do you remember your comment about somebody's mother at the shower? Something to the effect of,
"Has she stopped eating since the last time I saw her??" POLITE. She was a damn good photographer, I must say...

Hell

I am SO disappointed in the HK "finale" which wasn't even the finale. For crying out loud - is it THAT much of a cliffhanger as to whether Petrozza chooses Matt or Jen as his last team member? Am I mistaken or did last season's HK finale have a bitter black chick who was trying to sabotage one of the finalists?

Christina has gotten WAY too big for her britches. She hates the stripes, has the challenge "in the bag", blah blah blah. I realize TV is trying to make her look bad since she does have the HK competition "in the bag" but still, she IS saying this stuff. And the executive chef/tasters were ridiculous! Seasoning sucks, meat isn't cooked right, risotto is too chewy...I pick, hard choice, Petrozza. The fact that I know how to spell Petrozza is ridiculous. And how is it even remotely acceptable that GoRam isn't a judge??

Anyway, the reward for winning the challenge sucked. Of course Petrozza is going to pick "The General" and of course Christina is going to pick Corey. Am I mistaken or did Christina and Corey HATE each other in the beginning. Now they're all about teamwork and beating Petrozza. It just has a feeling of unreality, doesn't it? And what about the 9 hour recap in the beginning of EVERY SINGLE EPISODE? Ridiculous.

I'm pissed but of course, I will watch finale, part 2, next week... Hopefully, it is more entertaining than part 1.

Rekindling the Blog

Ok - so I got a lot of flack for shoddy blogging and here I am. Luckily, I have a LOT of material after my bridal shower AND a new episode of Hell's Kitchen.

Bridal showers are RIDICULOUS. A bunch of women pigging out while gaping at the bride (or in this case, brides) as they open gifts. Granted - it's great to be the bride but also a lot of pressure. I learned this weekend that a "commitment shower", which is what we GAYS have, is less pressure on the bride because there are two of us. I learned that alcohol helps quite a lot to get through the shower. And I learned that being watched is much more difficult when you don't have a Powerpoint presentation to hide behind.

I also learned that "wedding Christmas" is awesome. You are never too old to open gifts. NEVER. And, even though we registered for the gifts, we still LOVED opening every one of them.

The best comment at the shower and I SWEAR this is true. One of the "ladies" said to me, "I just farted in somebody's face." My mouth dropped open as I replied, "On purpose?" No, she replied, "It just slipped out." I asked, "Did she know??" "Yes...I said excuse me." I LOVE IT.

Ok - we also had a lot of fun writing some thank you notes. Just a few...

"Thank you so much for the wooden bowl we DIDN'T register for. Oh wait - it's a cheaper version of the one we wanted. Thanks!!"

"Thank you for coming to celebrate with us. I haven't seen you in a while - you look like shit!!" (polite)

"Thank you so much for the wonderful gift. How much did you shrink since the last time I saw you?"

POLITE.

LOVE Hell

I haven't written in a while - been very busy with work, which SUCKS. Anyway, I am still loving Hell's Kitchen. I'm a little sad that Jen is gone - she was very entertaining. I love "I'm the best even though I never win the challenges". And "I cook good risotto the first time and crappy risotto 2 seconds later". Does anyone even like risotto? It's such a staple of this place!

I can't believe Petroza has managed to make it this far. He's fat and filthy but apparently a very good chef. There is NO way he is going to win this thing. I think it has to be Christina but I think maybe Petroza is the best cook. Can you imagine him as your boss in the kitchen? RIDICULOUS.

Ok - short and sweet. Can't wait for Hell this week.

Where Have I Been??

You know what's nice about blogging - I actually have a chance to miss myself... I need to delve into AI a little bit before I start on my new favorite show, "Hell's Kitchen". I must say that my little dred-lock guy HAD to go this week. Not only was his rendition of Bob Marley TERRIBLE, but he was a mess on the elimination show and was relieved he didn't have to come back because he wouldn't have to memorize THREE songs. Dumb as a rock - meanwhile, little lip-licker is belting out Elvis songs and while he is extraordinarily annoying, at least he can memorize his songs.

Why isn't Syesha getting any credit for
A - being good?
B - being beautiful?

Granted - she looked a bit whorish in her Tina Turner outfit but she PULLED it off. Meanwhile, the "tight pants boys brigade" is looking ridiculous with their chapped lips, yellow teeth and mysterious hairdos. This chick is bringing the beauty AND the voice every time. All that said, David Cook should win because he really is the only one with a future. Archuletta needs to go Disney (and gay), Syesha should go Broadway or TV, and Dred-lock needs to go to college and smoke pot 8 times per day.

On a new note, does anyone watch Hell's Kitchen?? I love this show. I don't even know where to begin. My favorite line this week about tall blond in reference to the little Vietnamese dude, "I mean he's barely 4 feet tall and I'm 6 feet tall. It's NOT happening." I LOVE the way Gordon Ramsey says Fuck Off instead of Goodnight. And I am supremely entertained by the number of DUMBasses who can cook. First of all, what the hell kind of name is Petroza and why is he NEVER on the chopping block? If I saw that man cooking my food, I would run for the exit. And Ben is dumb as a rock - none of them can speak and the little guy really IS 4 feet tall AND stupid.

My favorite/least favorite, though, without question, is Matt. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH. I do feel bad for those people who just can't close their mouths but this guy is going to immediately sign up for Extreme Makeover when he sees himself on TV. Now that Gordon Ramsey has joined Simon Cowell as one of the most accurate observers on TV, I think I may want to move to London. Or England, whatever - you HAVE to watch this show. It is priceless.

So, I play on a co-ed softball team and 3 of the guys have had babies in the last 2 years. 3 boys - the names....Jack (reasonable), Desmond (a bit odd) and Hugo (are you kidding me???). Now I realize people are going for original names and all but do these guys really not notice that they are blatantly picking the names of "LOST" characters? And if not after Jack which is a common name, how can you name your kid Hugo after the last announcement was of Desmond??? Ridiculous. But, I love it...

Back Bloggin'

Ok, so I've been quite busy the past couple of weeks - very busy catching up on tv but now ready to comment. Let's talk current, now. AI, first of all. I can't believe Brooke is not being voted off after that MESS last night. Who is voting for her?? And why does Syesha continue to get shafted? She's beautiful, great teeth, great skin and great voice and she always seems to be on the bottom. And I still love her for singing with no voice during the auditions. Ok, maybe she is a little lacking in the personality department but at least she's good!!

I'm a little sick of Carly and her terrible teeth and her awful black jeans which showcase her larger lower half. Yes - she has a good voice but the TEETH. And I'm sorry...I am all for immigration but should the AMERICAN Idol be American?? That's why I'm not too broken up about losing Michael Johns. I'm also a little sick of David little boy with the lip licking. I'd comment about the tight pants but what guy on this show doesn't wear tight pants?? Yes, he has a good voice but NO personality and the meek little "oh..oh...oh..." is getting old.

Ok - blogging during AI - now I'm liking Carly again for accepting her exit so gracefully. But the teeth are still terrible. I have to admit that David Cook should win - he is a great singer and he always pulls off the rocker thing no matter what. But, I like Syesha & Dred-lock - LOVE dred-lock singing Memories. Fabulous. He's a train wreck but he IS charming, as Simon says.

And I know I never "weighed in" on the BL finale. I think Ali will be anorexic within a year but I'm glad a chick finally won. That being said, America is STUPID for voting Maaaahk out (although it would have been a painful decision to vote FOR him) and Roger choked. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that Roger thought he would never be voted in by America but let's be honest - he's not that smaaaaaht. He choked. Plateau, my ass. He now needs a chin lift. And Jay needs his boob skin removed. And I wish marble-mouth had won - she's so sweet and cute and I can't believe her ex didn't show up. Definitely got fat again and not sick...

Finally, I am VERY glad that Maaahk lost to Bernie by ONE pound. And is it me, or did some of them lose almost NO weight?! At least they showed up, I guess...

"Belated" Birthday Wishes

Somehow, lately, I find myself saying, "Only in America" A LOT. In Sweden, almost every staircase is winding. One of my colleagues once said if there were a staircase like that in America, there would be a table at the bottom with lawyers seated, waiting for people to fall down the stairs and sue.

My inspiration for this? The "belated" birthday card. I might have missed a friend's birthday (ahem) so I was looking in the card section for LATE birthday wishes. Then, I remembered to look for "belated". Why so proper? It's RIDICULOUS!! At physical therapy, when they put heat on my back, they give me a little bell to ring if it gets too hot. Only in America. The extreme warnings on coffee cups - "BE CAREFUL OF HOT LIQUID". Only in America. The 9000 side effects of every drug during the commercials. You get the point...

I am so glad that Maaaahk and Dan fell below the yellow line. But, once again, Dan fucked up. A smarter person would have lobbied with the girls - don't vote me off and I'll team up with you two. But noooooo, PRIDE ON THREE had to win out. And the big fat guy, Roger, also stupid. Vote off a brother!! Now, if he falls below with a brother, he's screwed. AND, don't think the brothers won't turn on Roger in a heartbeat if he falls below. He's the only one who can beat them. These guys are IDIOTS. PRIDE ON THREE.

Hamantashen and Circumcision...

Ok - is that how you spell circumcision? Tough one. I have the MOST bizarre experiences in my job. Being in the science field, the majority of my meetings are with Asians and Jews (in one network, not the other). So, I was meeting with this guy from Moffitt Cancer Center (one of the biggest cancer centers in the U.S.) and he was hurting my brain with all of his scientific questions so I decided to change the subject. Please picture this man - typical Jewish-looking guy. A bit pasty, glasses (Ray-bans, interestingly), yellow teeth, short and pretty big hair. ANYWAY, I was meeting with him on Good Friday and my head hurt from all of the science so I steered the conversation to Judaism, not knowing it was Purim.

First, we talked a bit about Hamantashen (the fruit-filled triangular cookies we Jews eat on Purim). Then, he told me that his wife is more religious than he is and that she converted. SOMEHOW, the conversation moved to circumcision. He was talking about his wife being pregnant and she is having a girl and I said something like, "At least you don't have to have a bris!" These little conversations, by the way, keep me sane in my line of work while leaving me with a story to tell my friends and also, help me to be successful - who wants to ONLY talk about DNA, right?

So, I was telling him (please don't forget what he looks like) about my conversation with my Swedish friends and how the Swedes don't circumcise. My friend couldn't understand WHY we circumcise in the U.S (it's a very hard word to write, by the way) and she just wasn't buying the "sanitary" explanation. So finally, her husband explained that the kids who aren't circumcised get laughed at in the locker room. She COMPLETELY understood this! Yes, I told this story to this man :)

His reaction? Well, he laughed and told me that he remembers the one kid growing up from the locker room and how weird he looked with his uncircumcised penis. RIDICULOUS. The next day, I got an e-mail from him....some of it was about science but a good 3 paragraphs were devoted to the various hamantashen flavors and the fact that his convert wife didn't do such a good job of cooking them! These moments are just priceless and I need a hidden camera or something!!

Ugh how could I forget...

CHIKEZE. He should NOT be on this show. Gay-boy should have beaten him out. Even when he is "good", he is still sweaty, gummy and awful. And I will NEVER get over the orange suit.

I have to say that I agree with Simon about almost everything. I HATE Brooke - she is so damn pasty. She does look better than she did at the beginning of the show but the yellow dress for "Here Comes The Sun" and the horrific dancing just makes me hate her more. AWFUL.

I wish the little Asian would just belt it out. And, I can't help but love dredlock. He is adorable. Was tonight the night for tight pants, or what??

TV

I'm not sure how I feel about Monica Seles on Dancing With The Stars although I do have to say, that I may actually watch it. She looks ridiculous. And "deaf" is on it, too. Polite. So, she has advanced her career to DWTS and The L Word. Deaf has made some interesting moves!! And when did she win an Academy Award?? Oy. I don't know if I can watch this, even with Monica Seles. Do you think one of her competitors on the dance floor will stab her if she gets too close to winning?? J has asked me to tape this show for her. So, as it is getting ready to tape, the tv tells me that 2 shows will be taping at the same time which is ok, as long as I don't want to watch anything else at the same time. So I figured the conflict was with "Intervention" and it would be no problem because I could watch it while taping DWTS. But noooooo...the recording program was Little People, Big World. I am embarassed as to what our taping has become.

So, more importantly, shall I begin with BL or AI? I have yet to address AI at all, I think. I am SO glad "Skunk" was voted off as well as "hot but boring as all hell". I'm a little pissed that Stripper was voted off instead of that blonde chick (hard to tell all of the blondes apart). Is this the year of the bad hair or what?? The "rocker" boy has the worst hair ever and the gay guy who was voted off - what was up with his hair? And I am NOT including dred-lock in this synapsis because I kind of like his hair. I'm also not too pleased with some of the teeth, most notably "I'm Irish and I already recorded an album".

Anyway, I AM a fan of "I'm two but I had the best voice ever until I forgot the words last week. I must have blown my load on Imagine a few weeks ago". I'm also a fan of "dred-lock" who is adorable. And I like the black chick with the big hair who lost her voice during auditions but found her voice in time to belt out her final audition. And that's my take on AI, for now...

As for BL...I am SO pissed off that they let Maaaaaaahk back on the show. And, I can't believe those shoddy girls voted off Bernie, once again, ruining their SLIM chance to get rid of the boys. And Dan is such a moron - if he had any brains at all, he would have flipped over to the girls' side - if he ends up in the final four with those chicks, he could win the whole thing. But noooooo, he's siding with Maaahk and the Alabama guy who just turned into a DICK when his buddy was voted off. It's BS that they didn't tell us who was voted off last week so I guess we'll see what happens during the intro... All I can say is, despite Jillian's best efforts, black is HURTIN'.

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaaaackkkk from Sveden

Ok - I've been trying to "catch up" since my return from Sweden. I have a lot to catching up to do - especially on TV!! But, I'll get to that in a second. First, I would like to discuss the "lie-down" room in Sweden, which I love (and used). It is a LAW that on every floor, there is a little room containing a cot - I think it's officially called a "first-aid" room, but I call it the "lie-down" room and I LOVE it.

I think it's somewhat unacceptable that employees are expected to travel 6000 miles (not exaggerating), lose 6 hours and somehow manage to work 10-hour days for the following week. It's especially difficult because the food (other than chocolate) in Sweden is terrible so, in addition to being exhausted and working ridiculous hours, we are malnourished. Which brings me to the toilet paper, or should I say SAND paper. The Swedish TP has one bumpy side and one smooth side. I have to say, I'm using the word "smooth" rather lightly, considering the smooth side is the sand paper side.

Other Swedish ridiculosities - the bathroom contains a shower with no "lip". In other words, the entire bathroom is a shower. There is a little bit of a "slope" in the shower area but it simply doesn't cut it. So, in some hotels, they provide a squeegee (sp?) for obvious reasons. In other hotels, like the one I was in this time, they just expect you not to enter the bathroom for a few hours after showering, I guess. Ridiculous.

I love the Swedes, though. The people are great and the chocolate is great and even though it's FREEZING, it's nice to visit a country so blatantly different from ours. And I'm not just talking about uncircumsized penises :)

Blogging in Copenhagen

Wow - this airport is HUUUUUUUUGE. But, I managed to find a Starbucks. I think the milk tastes a little strange but I'm going to pretend not to notice that. When I tried to log-in to blog, everything was in Danish. I was flabbergasted. But alas, here I am!! If you ever fly through Copenhagen and you like to shop, schedule yourself a long layover. This place is ridiculous! I still don't get what is local here, though. I just want to get to my Swedish chocolate and gas-water.

I can't believe how much discussion I am having about water. For those of you who think my water-drinking ways are "wasteful", try coming to Sweden! Not only does everyone drink water from glass bottles (is that better or worse than plastic - I am SO not green...), but they drink water "with-gas" out of bottles that require a bottle opener. I LOVE the gas-water here. And the chocolate. And nothing else edible.

For the record....in my approximately 12 hours on "the road" so far, I have been addressed in roughly 9 languages, none of them English. I think Danish? Swedish? Who knows? I'm sooooo Nordic.

What a bunch of babies!!!!

OH MY GOD. What a bunch of fucking babies!! First of all, I love the promo, making it look like one of the "brothers" cheated on his wife in Vegas. NOOOOOOO....not them - they went to bed early, ate nothing, drank nothing and then proceeded to lose no weight. Well, at least Maaaaaaahk didn't. And Dan totally screwed them by getting BL of the week - they absolutely would have voted him off in a haaaaht-beat if he wasn't. CRY CRY CRY.

I can't believe how much crying was going on! I just don't want to leave my brother... How old are you? TWO? You are a grown man. Zit tits is 31?? He's YOUNGER than me?? Oh jeez - he's crying again. Why didn't he just vote for Roger and let black decide?

Oh - why didn't they take their shirts off this week? Did somebody notice the zit tits? Just a thought. Later, Maaaaaaahk. I think somebody forgot to tell him it is NOT a Soap Opera.

Um - did anyone tell them that the "Pride" tattoos might be misconstrued as GAY PRIDE? I love that these boys are leaving campus with "pride" tattoos - and only one of them is clearly gay!!

Water Snob

When did it become so difficult to find an "acceptable" bottle of water? When I was a kid, I just used to drink from the water fountain. Now, it's too "tinny". After college, I was Britta. Now, I'm too lazy. I switched almost exclusively to bottled when I moved to DC, which you HAVE to do in DC. Even the boiled water tastes bad. But now...

For some reason, DC doesn't really have Poland Spring, which is definitely the best bottled water. Incidentally, for those of you who think I have nothing good to say about Mass, it is SO Poland Spring and I love that. Plus, you can drink tap in Mass. So, in DC, I'm almost strictly Smart (Smaaaaaht) or Ethos (Starbucks) water with the occasional influx of Deer Park, only IF NECESSARY.

What's annoying is that the Starbucks in the airport doesn't carry Ethos, they are almost strictly Vasa. And Vasa is UNacceptable. Some airports, in a more than acceptable move (especially since I'm generally not paying), are now carrying Smart water. Besides the fact that Smart was invented by a Colgate grad, it just tastes better. And, Ethos is "green" - or at least I think it is from reading the bottle once, a year ago.

I HATE Evian. That's what started the water snobbery. It tastes "thick". Gross. Ever try to drink "no gas" water in Europe? WUH. So, I'm also Perrier or any other "with gas" water I can get my hands on. I tried Fiji, which is expensive, but still pretty gross. Dasani, which isn't really bottled water, is actually pretty good. Zephrillis - WUH.

What started all this? I'm in the airport, thirsty in North Carolina, and all they have is VASA. And I was so discouraged, that I ordered myself a latte instead (iced). Then, when I walked past another store which had Deer Park, I couldn't accept it. I am ONLY Ethos or Smart water today, apparently. And what's even more ridiculous? I drink the tap water at restaurants. Why does that taste ok?

I can't discuss BL because I am SO pissed off that they voted off Paul, who is BY FAR the heaviest black team member. And does his EX-wife have marbles in her mouth or what? I used to be a Brittany "fan" until I saw the smug look on her face when she voted off Paul. Um - you are an IDIOT. You should have voted off Fat Camp who has the most annoying "face" I have ever seen and who has never lost more than 6 lbs. Why would you vote off Paul. Do you WANT to lose to zit tits and his brother, who now weighs LESS than Fat Camp?? Ugh...

Travelin' again

Is it bad that I go back and read my own blog from time to time? Mostly, I am checking to see if anybody makes comments, but I also have to make sure I am not making any grammatical or spelling errors and maybe, just MAYBE, I crack myself up a little.

I am so tired. I have been sleeping even worse lately. I know, it's hard to believe, but I have been switching medications and since I can't go off of ANYTHING without experiencing the equivalent of heroin withdrawal, I have to take both for a little while. When I take new and old at the same time, I get too "activated" and I really can't sleep. As opposed to before, when I could sleep a couple of hours here and there. Anyway, it SUCKS and I'm exhausted, causing me to do ridiculous things.

First of all, why do scientists have such bad breath? They can chew gum just as well as the rest of the world. And usually, we are leaning over each other in close proximity - CHEW SOME GUM. Bad breath is awful.

So today, I was in the airport, getting ready to fly to NC, and I had a bite to eat at the airport restuarant. As I was eating, I had my computer on (no, not blogging...sorry). I finished up, left the restaurant and boarded the plane. When I got on the plane, I realized I didn't have my computer. SMART. I had left it sitting on the bar at the restaurant. So, I went up to the flight attendant on the tiny plane and told her I had left my computer at the restuarant, could I run out and get it? She looked alarmed and said, "Of course!" So I started sprinting off the plane when I hear, "We can't hold the plane for you!" POLITE. The airport is small - the furthest I possibly could have gone is about 20 feet. The flight is about 14 minutes long, itself and I was already alarmed. I paused, turned back in disgust, and then continued running to the restaurant, leaving all of my stuff on the plane for her to contemplate when she slammed the boarding door in my face.

Of course, none of that happened. I returned to the restaurant to find my computer calmly sitting where I had left it, in between the 2 guys who were sitting beside me when I left. My plate still had not been cleared - maybe they thought I was coming back since I had left my computer there! I grabbed the computer and ran back onto the plane, making it with roughly 4 hours to spare before the door closed. Ok - I'm exaggerating a little but jeez, couldn't the flight attendant have been a little nicer??

Ready to Re-visit BL

Having Xinaeve back to commenting has encouraged me to get back to active blogging. First of all, Orange mother/son (now son only) are not from Mass - they are SO midwest. And I completely agree about the +3 lbs. It should NOT count against the weigh-in the following week. Ridiculous. I have a few more things to say.

First of all, how is it that Jillian is still kicking Bob's ass when she has the WORST team ever assembled in BL history? Bob SUCKS. And, Bob is an asshole and a sore loser. If Bob were smart, he would have encouraged Dan (motherless son) to team up with Alabama football and get rid of the Masshole brothers. And, I hate to address this but, has anyone noticed that, in addition to carrying his weight SO much worse that his asshole, stress fracture older brother, Maaaahk's younger brother (whose name is escaping me) has ZITS on his TITS. Or, his tube boobs. Even Trent, who weighs about 100 lbs more than zit tits, carries his weight better. WUH.

I can't believe they voted off Trent - he was so cute and BY FAR my favorite and there for all the right reasons. And, I can't believe Maggie (Fat Camp survivor whose hair is way too long) lucked out with immunity. I KNEW she would "pull" a small number because she is the opposite of Trent - she doesn't give a SHIT about losing weight, she's all about the game. Did you see those giant earrings she wore to the weigh-in? They could have been the difference!

As much as I love Jillian, I have to say that I am a little put off by the excessive counseling occuring on this show. You are a TRAINER, not a therapist, for crying out loud. The show is about fat people losing weight - we don't need to hear about their issues. Perhaps they could focus more on how getting fat can cause you to have ZITS on your man TITS instead of how your parents' divorce can lead you "straight to the fridge". I really did not need to see these people having their therapy sessions, either. While I was glad that Jillian finally brought in a professional, it's none of our damn business that bald ex-husband had "sessions" with his dad. It's awful. I'd rather see him cry about his ex-wife's boyfriend sending her kisses.

Finally, can you believe how obnoxious Maaahk and his excessively taped shin was to Sami tonight? Ok - we know the rest of the contestants think he's an asshole (which makes it completely baffling that they didn't vote him off tonight and shows Dan and Alabama's stupidity) but for him to snap at Sami for trying to appropriately host the show?? He is SUCH a Masshole. Although, I do have to give him credit for "pulling" the numbers when he needs them... As opposed to his little brother, you know, ZIT TITS.

OOPS Missed My Flight

It's a shame when I am late for my flights because I don't get to "blog from airport" and there is SO much material in airports. For example, I was behind this guy in the security line who was such a "belly cincher". Now...what is the proper method of pant maintenance for a man with a gut? Over, under or smack in the middle? Over makes him look like he has a "pussy-Joe", under makes him look pregnant. But, in my opinion...right smack in the middle is by FAR the least acceptable. It just leaves nothing to the imagination and it looks so damn uncomfortable!! I am a fan of "below" - sorry, boys, but pregnant is the way to go.

What a day. I am in Atlanta, which is such a hustle-bustle of activity. This airport has way too much hustle-bustle. And angry travelers, but I'll get to that later. This morning, I met with a guy from Africa who is doing research on (shocking!) Malaria. He had roughly 5 teeth. But, he is very nice. On the other hand, he had terrible breath. Oh, and 3 of the 5 teeth were buck. NOT a good combination.

My "big" part of the day was the meeting I had with 2 people who had traveled 3 hours to Atlanta to see an instrument in action before they buy their own (hopefully). They are now in the process of driving to Nashville, where they want to see another instrument. They are driving. I am flying. Polite. But, I missed my flight so it should even out. And, they were two of the most uninteresting people I have ever met - I am thrilled that I won't have to sit in a car wtih them!!

One of the people is this lady whose last name is "Peace-something". I have been calling her "Peace-on-Earth". I also checked out her picture on their website and I thought she had short hair. It turns out that her hair was "up" in the picture I saw and it was just the bangs that I thought were her entire head of hair. Essentially, she is the lunch lady reincarnated. "Business in front, party in the back". In other words, she did not have a good look going...

SO, my flight was at 5:11. I got stuck in traffic and didn't make it to Avis until about 430. But, I was able to check in at 440. Then, I went through security (where I saw "cinch-man") and raced through the airport to make it to my gate. Of course, I had eaten NOTHING since my bagel at 9 this morning so I was pretty hungry. The entire "run", I was debating whether or not to stop for food and risk missing the flight. In the end, the latte won!! When I arrived at the gate, of course the LAST gate in the terminal, I looked up to discover I had been upgraded. Then, I looked down to see that the boarding door had been closed. OOPS! It was within the 10 minute window but clearly they jumped the gun a little and we missed the flight. They gave our (me and the other 2 ANGRY flight-missers) seats away - apparently, Nashville is quite a popular place to go today.

I was ok with the whole situation as Nashville is less than an hour from Atlanta (by plane) but the angry businessmen were NOT ok with the situation. They were PISSED. Both of them were on their phones to Delta, demanding that a "redcoat" be sent to the desk. What the hell is a redcoat? Then, the poor woman who had slammed the door in their faces came back out to face their wrath directly. They GLARED at her nametag and both reported her to the person on the other end of the phone while she stood there, impasssively typing away on the computer (what DO they type, anyway?). Finally, they were rebooked on the flight that was one hour later and then I approached the "redcoat" who was, in fact, a huge black man NOT wearing a red coat. He booked me (not angry) on the same flight and all was well. Until I boarded the flight to find one of the angry men seated next to me. I commented that we only had to wait an hour and he said, "Yeah, but I was in first class on the other flight" to which I replied, "So was I but it was only an hour - how much could you drink in an hour?" to which he replied, "It wasn't about that...my legs don't fit in these seats". PULEEEEEEEEEEEEZ. It's a freakin' hour. ADJUST. Do you think my 10+ surgically repaired knees are comfortable in the seats?? Of course, Vicodin is extremely helpful in such a situation.

I also had another quite enjoyable moment today with my customer who is a Network member. She is not the pregnant Network member, but the "fine line between Southern and Network" variety. Anyway, we started discussing "Peace-on-Earth" and she said to me, "I thought she was family". WUH!! She is SO "family-who-doesn't-admit-to-being-family-so-mentions-her-husband-every-other-word-and-wears-her-hair-in-mullet". Just an aside.

I'm in Nashville now. I definitely deserve overpriced room service in my overpriced hotel!!

Insomnia SUCKS

I'm not sure if you can check the time of this entry but believe me, it is an unacceptable hour to be awake. Is there anything worse than sleep deprivation? Before you answer this question, think about 2 things. First, the Nazis and other war "prisoner-holders" used sleep deprivation to torture their prisoners. Second, think back to the movie, "A Clockwork Orange" and remember when they prodded the guy's eyelids open with toothpicks for torture? It tortured me just to watch it. In fact, I'm thinking that movie might have led to my insomnia!

Those of you who may wonder how I have time to write this blog, work and have a life...well, it's not just about extreme efficiency. Not sleeping leaves a person with a lot of time on her hands. And what better thing to do with that time than make my friends (and some people I don't even know) laugh a little.

You know what I really hate? I hate when people try to advise me on how to treat the insomnia. I have been to every doctor in the book, had acupuncture, biofeedback, hypnosis and probably other shit I don't even remember. I have tried every sleeping pill in the book. The best one BY FAR, by the way, is Ambien. But, sleeping pills don't really work. They help you fall asleep because they cut back on the anxiety associated with knowing you have insomnia AND, they affect your short-term memory. SO, you will fall asleep and when you wake up, even though you may have woken during the night, you won't remember that you did, so you think you slept. That would explain why people wake up with a "hangover" after taking a sleeping pill.

Also, have you heard about the people who "sleep-eat"? It's ridiculous. Basically, they wake up in the middle of the night after taking a sleeping pill and go down to the kitchen and pig out. The next day, they find the evidence of the sleep-eating but don't remember anything. Ringing endorsement for sleeping pills, isn't it?

I HATE the commercials (yes, I know we've been through this before). Rozerem, the one with Abe Lincoln and other weird historical people sitting at the guy's kitchen table - I don't even get it. But I do know one thing. Rozerem SUCKS as sleeping pills go. The worst.

I also hate the people who suggest things like a warm bath or a warm glass of milk (YUK) or soft, soothing music. My latest regimen consists of listening to my hypnotist's cd made the last time I saw her followed by (if I make it, which I usually do) a cd of waves crashing on the shore of the beach. I usually fall asleep to the waves but not tonight!! Tonight, I made it through both and then took a sleeping pill before coming downstairs to write this. As you can tell, the sleeping pill is working wonders!!

Sleep deprivation SUCKS. Tomorrow is going to SUCK. Oops, I mean today.

The Airplane Bathroom

Yes, I know I will not be the first to write about the TERRIBLE bathrooms on airplanes but I was on a flight last week and I noticed some new "nuances". Of course, the bathrooms are miniscule and it is AWFUL if there is any turbulence when you are trying to pee and the "sink" is ridiculous and somehow you have to hold the lever down while you are washing your hands (yes, I know too much about airplane bathrooms). I also feel like the flushing of the toilet is going to suck me right through the toilet and out the bottom of the plane into oblivion. Where DOES it go, really??

But, I was noticing a whole new situation last week. I got onto the plane and was seated beside a woman who had been traveling for work (as most people on planes on the weekdays are). There is much to say about this woman who was very nice but just seemed a little edgy. She reeked of alcohol and actually bought a Heineken on the plane ride which I definitely respected. She was attractive, well-dressed, well-spoken, etc. but she just seemed a bit out-of-sorts. Maybe she doesn't like to fly. Or, maybe she doesn't like Tampa. Maybe it was just a bad day. But, she went to the bathroom immediately after the seat belt sign was turned off (I always wonder about those people - I am always trying very hard NOT to use the bathroom and they seem to be thrilled for the opportunity). She also went again later in the flight, after her beer...

After she returned, I realized the impossible. Now, I am not a big skirt-wearer in general although a skirt has been known to grace my body when I am in warm weather and can wear some sort of open-toe shoe, but I definitely would not wear a skirt on the plane because it is just too damn cold on the plane and too much walking in the airports and I REFUSE to be skirt/sneaker in an airport. So, I always wear pants on the plane. Now this lady was not only wearing a skirt, but she was wearing STOCKINGS. I never wear stockings. I haven't worn a pair since I went to a wedding with my parents and my dad told me I had a run in my stocking. It was actually one of the scars on my knee (TERRIBLE, I know, but a great excuse to never wear stockings again). I'm pretty sure stockings are OUT these days, anyway, so my not wearing them is actually quite acceptable.

Now, please imagine this poor woman in the airplane bathroom. First, she has to pull (roll?) down her stockings below her knee. This has to occur while she is standing up, but not bending over far enough to allow ANYTHING to touch that disgusting toilet "seat". Then, she has to lift up her skirt and, while holding up her skirt with one hand, she must hold the sink or that bar in the bathroom (yes, I know too much about airplane bathrooms) so she can effectively perch/hover above the toilet seat. Once she is done, does she stand up to wipe, risking drippage into aforementioned stockings? Or, does she let go of the "bar" and risk losing her hover status - she HAS to stand up. Then, she somehow has to pull up the stockings with the skirt still pulled up but avoid letting the skrit hit anything in the bathroom, especially the toilet seat to which she has now undoubtedly added some of her pee. And pulling up stockings in an acceptable bathroom is hard enough without getting a run or having the top part roll over or so many other possible scenarios. The fact that this woman returned to the seat within an hour is amazing. The fact that she went to the bathroom twice?! I'm thinking she is either a masochist or a smoker. Or a compulsive lipstick applier?

Tennis

Well - since the football situation is AWFUL, I am completely dedicated to tennis now. I can't believe Favre choked as much as Romo did. And I REFUSE to root for the Patriots but I can't stand the thought of Eli winning a Super Bowl or that awful, mean coach that yelled at the kicker for missing a kick when it was about 90 degrees below zero and he probably couldn't feel his toes. SUCH a dilemma. I think I have to root Giants because if I have to see deadbeat dad Brady win more accolades, I think I will puke. Or his coach. On the other hand, I can't bear to see cry baby Eli win. FOOTBALL IS AWFUL.

On the other hand, while watching the Australian Open today, I realized that I am SO Williams/Williams now unless Davenport actually achieves her revival. Although she has always been slow and I can't imagine the "mom" is going to GAIN a step. I HATE Henin who looks like man (a very skinny man) and I'm not a Sharapova fan, mostly because of the dad, I think. So, that brings me back to the Williams sisters. Venus is much more humble these days and I think I love Serena being a beast with huge muscles, a huge ass and somehow managing to win majors while being out-of-shape. I think the best part is that Richard Williams is no longer the face of their matches. I did prefer Serena in her catsuit but I guess I'll have to live with purple biker shorts.

I won't discuss the men since Federer is blatantly better than everyone out there (except, perhaps, Nadal in the knickers on clay and anybody whose name ends in "vic"). But, really, I never thought for a second that he would lose.

It is SO baseball season now. I don't think I can even watch the Super Bowl.

Celebrity Addiction

I think I have a new favorite show. AND, along with it, a new favorite "celebrity" and DEFINITELY a new least favorite "celebrity". I have to put celebrity in quotes because Jessica Sierra and Fat Baldwin don't count as celebrities. If you have seen this show, you might be wondering why I am not picking "Jeff" as the least favorite celebrity, but to me, he is just a poor man's Ozzy Ozborne. Fat Baldwin, on the other hand, is SO annoying. Listen, dumbass, you are in the treatment facility because you are an addict. Stop trying to be treating everybody!! And claiming that you have some metabolized cocaine in your system for some obscure reason other than the fact that you used cocaine...

Has anyone seen this show? It's on VH1 and it's Dr. "Drew" - why can't he use his last name like other doctors? It's not like he's treating children. Anyway, it's him and a bunch of obscure celebrities who are trying to survive rehab. I love Jessica Sierra (of American Idol fame) and I'll tell you why. I liked her during Idol and I remember Simon saying she had no heart in her music (or something to that effect). But, she has a great voice. Turns out, her mother was an addict and had killed herself during the taping of American Idol. SO, not only does she have heart, but she was going through an insanely traumatic experience while trying to win a stupid (tho very entertaining) singing contest. Not to be confused with Fantasia, who used every bit of her "hard life" aka "I got pregnant as a teenager and became a teenage mom" to further her success on the show. HATE Fantasia, LOVE Sierra.

I also am APPALLED by Mary Carey (sp?), the porn star who not only insists on wearing provocative clothes and hitting on almost every man in the place (with the exception of Jeff who can't stand up or speak), but also finds it necessary to rip farts on television and then blame it on "rehab food". Although I do have to say that the fart sort of endeared her to me. The flashing of the ass to "Seth", whoever that is, was not a good moment for her.

Ok - check out this show - it's hilarious...

I'm baaaaaaaaaack

Ok - it's been a rough few days. I was sick but don't worry, I was still able to watch Biggest Loser and some initial episodes of American Idol. I hate the auditions and I don't understand why they accepted some dorky guy with glasses and let the chick with the hot husband and a reasonably good voice go. And I am NOT ready to address William Hung II aka "You are my BROOOOOOOOOOOOTHER". Ridiculous.

So, let's move on to BL - I am sooooooooo glad Neill is gone. First of all, he spells his name wrong. Secondly, his wife is WAY too thin to be on this show. She is only 190!! It's ridiculous. I love how Jillian adds time for everyone when Neill grabs the sides of the treadmill. It's a tactic I use with our softball kids. Yep - I am soooo Jillian.

I LOVE mother/son - I was not a fan in the beginning since he looks more like daughter than son but they are so good, only want to beat black paahk the caaaah and they aren't carrying around the baggage of Bette Sue and daughter. And Fat Camp just keeps squeaking by but I know it's because, as 2 women, they are NO threat. I'd keep them, too. And how blind is Neill's wife? She is SO supportive, it's disgusting. Jillian should have used some therapy on them - why is she sooooo supportive no matter how shoddy he is? And, on that note, Jillian is getting a little out of control with the role of therapist. Does she have any qualifications to get to the bottom of Bette Sue's shoddy mothering of her bitter daughter? I still love Jillian, but the therapy has GOT to go.

I also love orange son because he was SO into luxury. And 2 votes SUCKED - adding weight would have been so much better. And the poor mom could have had a day with her husband but I love how she just blew it off for the sake of the game. Bette Sue and her unacceptable stomach would have cried about it. Neill never would have made it to the top of the mountain. Alabama football (my favorite except for maybe orange) would have used teamwork to make it to the top. And I love them for still losing weight (much needed weight) despite having immunity. I would have pigged out so I would have more to lose the following week, in the name of strategy. They are so nice and harmless that they don't get any airtime. And...I am starting to become a fan of ex-husband/ex-wife. I hate him SLASH love him. I love that went from almost getting voted off to being "biggest losers of the week". But his CHINS. Will they ever go away???

STILL HATE usair

Ok - I have made the move to gate - I am now listening to a conversation of a very small man (who apparently is in the army) flirting with a Brazilian who is on the verge of boarding her flight back to Brazil (what is the POINT???) AND, what the hell is she doing in Raleigh-Durham??

But, really, now I've moved because they called my name and changed my seat which is why I don't hate UNITED. So now, I'm listening to two more strangers talk - the guy is telling the girl about his job in "fiber-optics" and she has already admitted she has NO idea what he is talking about but he continues to use the fiber-optic lingo while she sits there, bored out of her skull, thinking, I have to listen to my HUSBAND talk about this shit at home and now I have to listen to a stranger!! Ugh - I want this damn flight to take off!!

Ut oh - Gotta go - I think I'm first class...

I HATE USAIR

I have soooo much to say and I don't know where to begin. It's a funny thing about traveling...I'm sitting in the airport bar, FINALLY. It's 630 PM, my flight was at 455, I was hoping to get the 140 into Reagan and now I'm on the 454 to Dulles (yes, I did say that it is 630). The 454 is not taking off until 7. Supposedly. And it's a United flight even though I was originally on USAIR. I thought I was being a savvy traveler (which I was accused of being by the usair chick, they are now lower-case) but I ended up getting screwed. And I want to talk about it but I won't forget about it while I will forget about the Asian chick sitting beside me with the blatantly gay guy across from her who just mentioned his "wife" and is shamelessly kissing her (Joyce the Asian) ass. This just came out of his mouth (please insert gay man voice), "Don't burn your bridges(th)...." I also just noticed, as if I had any doubt in my mind, that he is drinking white wine (not that there's anything wrong with that). Joyce, on the other hand, is drinking some sort of dark beer. I love it.

She also has a trace of an accent which suggests she wasn't born in America. Now, being in the science world, I see lots of "not from America" people. In fact, some of them speak their own language. For example, my Swedish colleagues speak "Swenglish". My former Chinese coworker speaks "Liyinglish". Which, by the way, is my favorite!! This chick beside me is Liying gone right. (I can use Liying's full name because it is the name of approximately 97% of Chinese women - polite). Anyway, Liying moved to America, has a couple of sons, worked in a lab but now has started her own company and somehow STILL has managed not to speak acceptable English and has used her American status to put on a few pounds. In addition, she still plays the role of Chinese wife to her husband, doing all of the cooking and cleaning and raising of kids while still playing the role of American wife, starting her own business. In other words, she has embraced the worst of both worlds...

Joyce (my neighbor here at the bar), on the other hand, has the best of both worlds. Her English has but a trace of a Chinese accent. She obviously has changed her name. I have heard enough of her conversation with the flaming ass kisser to know that she is the VP of whatever company she basically runs. She has held on to her slim frame, is wearing sneakers (another appropriate American embrace or is it a Chinese carryover?) and is drinking a dark beer. I LOVE her.

usair (lowercase), on the other hand, SUCKS. But, I'll have to discuss that later because I have to leave and pretend that I'm boarding my UNITED flight to Dulles.

RTP is soooo normal

Hi everyone -

I haven't had the patience to sit down and address the latest BL but I do have to say that my favorite BY FAR (well, except Betty Sue who fell off the treadmill but got back on and finished her workout) is the black Alabama football player. I have a love/hate relationship with Paul whi has this "matter-of-fact" attitude about eating his 900 calories of corndog and STILL not winning the 5K. I also LOVE Jillian even more - "You ate it for $5000??? If you need $5000 so badly, why did you leave work for 4 months?? Go back to work!!!"

I also can't believe they don't let the people call their kids every night. I really do respect the sacrifice these people are making. They essentially go to "spa", but they aren't allowed to talk to any spa outsiders while they are pampered into losing a shitload of weight.

I am in North Carolina today and it is RAINING. You guys wouldn't believe these hospital "complexes" I visit. It's ridiculous. But, I do have to say as I walk around these places, that I am earning my $$ and I do deserve spa after watching sick kids, cancer patients, veterans and every other sad person who doesn't deserve to be sick walk around these places. I am currently listening to a screaming kid - I don't know if it's because she is sick or just a screaming kid but, being in a hospital, I just assume sick.

It's a lot easier to be funny blog in the FAT memphis airport than the confines of UNC Children's hospital. Tonight, I will have dinner with the CHI who is actually a customer. He doesn't work on my kind of head disease but he is sooo unnerving. He is one of those people who looks at you with these eyes that I swear can see directly into my soul. I might as well give him a copy of the chart from my CHI's office AND my CHOL's office - it will save him the trouble of having to look through my eyes to get to my soul. OY.

Crazy People

Does anyone remember that movie with "Arthur" and "Splash"? I was just thinking about it - why didn't "honest advertising" stick? The movie was hilarious and everyone loved the ads. I also can't discuss the movie without mentioning the "hello" guy. Hello I'm glad you like my movie. I'm hungry Hello How Are You. LOVED him.

What commercials are the best these days? I can think of a few I love - has anyone seen the Budweiser ad where the guy comes into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, and gets all excited to walk up to her and buy her a beer? BUT, when he does - she gives him a huge smile and is missing a front tooth. I love that commercial. I believe the slogan is "Things aren't always what they seem". I do have to say, as a dog owner, that the "BAAAAAAAAAAAAACON, BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON" commercial for Beggin' Strips is the most accurate commercial I have ever seen. Our boys are SO that when they see the bag of Beggin' come out!

You know what commercials I hate? Well, there are many. Besides every Peyton Manning commercial, I hate the commercials for drugs. "Who does depression hurt"? The worst part about that one is the poor dog who is being neglected because its owner is depressed. Or the erectile dysfunction commercials. First of all, who would DO these commercials? It's appalling and ridiculous. Or the sleeping pill (Rozerem, I know very well because I have tried it and it SUCKS) with Abe Lincoln and some other random historical figures. What the hell does that commercial mean?

I wish the Crazy People commercials had stuck. Instead of "Who does depression hurt" with the 9 hour list (quietly) about the side effects, maybe something like, "I tried Prozac and it sort of worked but it made me fat. I also tried Lexapro but for some reason, it gave me hives. Some of the other meds make it difficult for me to pee. But, with my chemistry, I have found that I feel better when I take 'Debatril', and I don't get fat!! Debatril, the anti-depressant that doesn't make ME fat".

Or, "You may wonder why ANYONE would do this commercial. Well, quite frankly, since I started taking 'BONagra', I need the extra money to pay for the prostitutes I am visiting to meet my insatiable sexual needs. I sometimes get headaches but I don't care about the headaches because I can get it up again!! And can you believe this?? My doctor says it's a BAD thing that my penis was hard for 36 straight hours..."

Just a thought - maybe not in life, but in commercials, honesty really IS the best policy...

No Bluebird :(

The amazing thing is that Ken Doll actually e-mailed me, himself, to tell me that they are going to "hold off" for a while on purchasing our wonderful product. Even more amazing (or maybe not, maybe explains how he ended up in OK) is that he said they have alot going on. TWO WORDS, KEN. A LOT. Oy. The only thing worse is a person who confuses to, too and two. Or uses "should have went". But the director of blah-blah-blah who looks like a Ken doll and pulls the strings on big-money instrumentation?? He should OF went back to school for grammar lessons (even worse than should HAVE went). Oy - biotech is a tough industry for former English majors.

The Phlebotomist

Is it ridiculous that I can spell phlebotomist but not Jillian? It's not that I can't spell Jillian but it's like Chanuka, Hannukah, Channukah, Hannuka....many different possible spellings. Could be Gillian, or Jilian (ok, maybe not) - anyway - it still looks funny.

I am such a selfish blogger. I just realized that, when I go to write a new entry, there is at LEAST a page worth of bloggage items I can do on the login page. I have never (still haven't) even scanned the items - I just click on "post new blog" or "new post" - see, I don't even know what it says!! Anyway, back to MY life...

So, I had blood drawn today. This world is so ridiculous. People get paid a shitload of money to run some ridiculous business (McDonalds) or to write a godawful book (Harry Potter) and yet, people like teachers, nurses and yes, phlebotomists are underpaid. NOW...while I do think teachers should make much more money, I am even more disturbed by nurses and phlebotomists being underpaid and under-trained. Because they stick needles in you!!

So today, I go to the blood-letting lab to get blood drawn. I am greeted by 2 under-qualified phlebotomists who also work the desk. Apparently, it's normal to be a receptionist SLASH phlebotomist. SO, I sit and wait as the 3 or 4 people who were there when I arrived were taken back to have their blood drawn. Then, the 3 or 4 people who arrived AFTER me are called back. While I am sitting there, noon comes and goes.

Apparently, the lab is closed from 12-1 for lunch. But, they aren't bright enough to put up a sign to this effect and, since this place is a "walk-in" type of a place, people come up to the door and try to open it. And, it's locked. And then they start knocking. And most normal people in a waiting room (which is clearly visible to the knocker) will get up and open the door. Until...the phlebotomist/receptionist shouts, "DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR". But, it's too late and she explains to the lady with the 2 babies in a stroller that the place is closed for lunch and she'll have to come back at 1. When she kicks her out the door, I politely tell her, "You should put a sign on the door". Brilliant, isn't it?? Although, maybe not brilliant in this case, since this was the woman who would be drawing my blood.

SO, I think I hear ON THE SPEAKER PHONE, my doctor's voicemail. Then I hear the receptionist butchering my doctor's name to somebody on the phone. And it's not a hard name to pronounce. So, I walk up to the desk and ask if there is a problem (like one that would cause me to sit here for over an hour, and watch everyone else go back to get their blood drawn, including the screaming 2-year-old but I'll get to her in a minute). She says she needs my doctor's account number - I'm thinking this is so they can get paid but no, just so they have somewhere to send the results. They don't get in touch with her (surprise surprise) but I convince them to draw my blood anyway. Maybe not the best move.

Meanwhile, the 2-year-old is still in the back. She is this cute little asian girl (of course, most Asian girls are little, with the exception of the one on Biggest Loser last season although she is little now...) and she is waddling around because all 2-year-olds waddle and why??? Because they wear diapers!! This is a painfully obvious fact to most, but apparently not to phlebotomist/receptionist. So she says to the dad, "Do you need to take her to the bathroom?" And the dad says, "I don't know". And she says, "Well, does she need to empty her bladder?" And the guy looks at her incredulously and points to her butt and says, "SHE WEARS DIAPERS". Smart.

She was still back there, SCREAMING, when I went back to have my blood drawn. The phlebotomist/receptionist (this is an exhausting title to write over and over) starts tapping my left arm and then jams the needle in and sits there for about 5 hours. Ok, 5 minutes. And then she starts wiggling the needle and massaging my arm around the needle (I am about to throw up writing this) and then asks me if I have had any water today. I tell her NO, since I wasn't sure if I was supposed to fast or not. She then informs me that my blood is coming REALLY slow and she may have to stick me again. About 3 hours later, (ok, 3 seconds), she disgustedly removes the needle from my arm and tosses the quarter-full tube off to the side while she prepares another syringe. Keep in mind, this lady is a BL candidate and it is lunchtime - she is NOT happy.

So, I suggest she try the other arm. She says no, I'll just go further back on this one. Then, she decides to take a look at my other arm (2-year old still screaming) and realizes I have a much better vein in this one. So, she "sticks" the other arm, fills up the tube in about 4 seconds and is done. I say, "WELL, that hurt a lot less". And she replies with, "Sorry...I should have used a smaller needle".

I am going to throw up now... I left, with the baby no longer screaming, but still in the "back room".

Biggest Loser is BACK

Ok - first of all, how did Archie Bunker make it onto Biggest Loser and not age a day since All In The Family was on? I was very disappointed with his effort but he was so right about the fact that his daughter is the one who blew it for them. I was thinking they were going to vote out "I'm-a-fat-Fat-Camp-counselor-but-I'm-still-fat" because they have some fight in them and they're young enough to win some challenges but they aren't much of a threat as 2 women who aren't particularly large. On the other hand, Archie Bunker could have developed into a threat.

I definitely have to amend my initial choice of favorite from, "We-want-to-lose-weight-before-our-son-realizes-we're-fat" for a couple of reasons. First of all, she's not even that fat. She also bitches a lot about how lazy the husband is, and then he carried them at the first weigh-in. I am definitely against the brothers since the brothers were so successful on the last show. And I love the Alabama football players, especially the black guy who was thrilled by everybody's weight loss and also pulled off a huge number for himself.

I can't believe I'm taking this long to reveal the obvious favorite, Betty Sue and daughter. Is her name even Betty Sue? I LOVE that she SUCKED in the first challenge and gave up, ended up with flaming Bob when any halfway intelligent person would pick the chick (whose name I refuse to write because I don't know how to spell it), and then lost a shitload of weight and DIDN'T lose in the challenge with the hot air balloons (or whatever the hell they were). But, her assessments of Flaming Bob are amazing - something about squashing him like a little gnat and I love that he loves her and does not yet know that the only reason he has her is because she SUCKED in the opening challenge and got STUCK with him.

Anyway, as I was watching the Biggest Loser tonight, I was thinking how much thinner these people are than the solo contenstants. I couldn't figure out what it was because at the first weigh-in, they really didn't weigh much less than the other contestants (except I-have-a-lazy-husband-and-I'm-too-thin-to-be-on-this-show). Then, when I flipped back to "I Eat 33,000 Calories Per Day" on Discovery Health and watched them remove some guy who hadn't left his bed in 10 years by removing his wall (and NO, I was not watching Jerry Springer), I realized why the contestants looked so thin.

So, I have to shift gears because I watched a good number of "Big Medicine", "The Half-Ton Man" and whatever other show was on DH with morbidly obese poeple and after catching the end of the "Intervention" marathon yesterday, I have to say that the enablers of the morbidly obese are MUCH worse than the enablers of the drug addicts. First of all, the drug addicts can walk and breathe. They are stealing laptops out of cars to pay for their crystal meth habits or prostituting themselves to pay for their crack. The obese people can't get out of bed!! SOMEBODY IS FEEDING THEM.

And I don't buy the excuse of the guy who feeds a bucket out the window with money in it (in Harlem, no less) to pay the delivery person who then deposits 9000 orders of ribs into the bucket. Because, who is giving him the money? He CLEARLY isn't working. And he isn't going to the bank to cash his check. This one guy has about 10 people cooking for him around the clock although I was impressed that he did get up out of bed (for the first time in 10 years except for Thanksgiving) when his niece wouldn't bring him his food. He then proceeded to sit down at the table of the "food he eats in a day" which was APPALLING and, according to the announcer, waited approximately 2 minutes before he dug in. It was pretty gross. BUT, this guy had lost 200 lbs and was down to 700 so he is a bit more mobile than he used to be.

I do believe that food is an addiction and the obese people can't control themselves from eating and I feel for them - they are clearly miserable. BUT, once they reach the point where they can't get out of bed, the enablers need to cut them off!! Somebody needs to start "Intervention 2: The Food Addiction".